Can my marriage be saved.

[hewswho]

Married 7 years, together 14, 2 kids (one high needs autism) we've grown apart so much it feels like we are in the 'housemates' phase. I think a lot of this is down to me, I've massively backed off over the last 18 months due to DH very high sex drive and due to birth injury after dc2 I've had absolutely no sex drive. I do still have sex etc with DH but it is usually always for him which I think he's picking up on.

Another big issue I have is how often he talks about sex, and the type of sex he wants..it's very 'porn' style with slapping, spitting etc really not my thing. He would never force it on me but when you hear someone constantly going on about it it's almost had the opposite effect on me and really turned me off! I honestly feel like a piece of meat sometimes as other than the sex chat he's very quiet and isn't really a talker, I've told him that perhaps if we chatted, laughed and just connected in that way it may lead to me feeling closer and wanting to have more of a physical relationship but he just says he's not really talkative (was when we first met but very stressful job has just zapped the life out of him) he also complains I put the kids before him and have become very 'mumsy' probably because I don't want wild sex but honestly I'm shattered dc2 is high needs, non verbal, doesn't sleep, specialist school, it's just been a lot and I feel like a shell of the person I used to be.

I feel like I know the answer but can we save this and get back to a good place? DH is a good fair man, he takes good care of us all and is reliable and honest but I don't know how much longer we can keep going. I think he would stick it out as long as I keep giving him sex although he says it's not enough as he needs more.

I don't want to break my family up over this but what can I do, it's all I think about.

Your ‘d’h is far far from a ‘good, fair man’
You deserve to be treated a million times better op, you really do.

Is this a new thing? The talk of spitting and slapping? Honestly, if it is I'd just be having a very frank conversation with him around how him talking like that makes your fanny want to shrivel up and is having the exactly opposite effect of turning you on (if that's what he's trying to do).

Sounds absolutely grim tbh.

What was the good place you want to return to?

Your husband sounds bizarre. He says very little but when he does talk it's about slapping and spitting? When you make it clear to someone that you're not interested in certain sexual activities, thats the end of it. They shouldn't bring it up at every opportunity hoping to wear you down.

I wouldn't want to be in the same room as him, never mind a bed.

Sounds pretty grim, but perhaps therapy would be a way forward. He’s normalising some gross attitudes though. Does he accept you find it off putting? I’m not sure there’s anyway back but maybe worth a try if you like him still.

Good fucking lord - please leave this disgusting, porn-ruined scumbag bastard immediately OP. He is utterly sick. Ugh.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wanted to spit on me during sex. I'd find it really degrading.

Would you want more sex if it was loving rather than porn-y? Did you enjoy sex with him prior to having children?

He sounds awful and not at all supportive, not sure I'd want to save this relationship

As an aside, this is the third time this week I've seen reference to spitting and sex. Is this a new thing? I assume it's male spitting on female, is that right?

Spitting? Slapping? This is not a good man OP, he’s porn addled. I know you are thinking about your family but he wants to spit on you and slap you to meets his sexual “needs”. Enough to turn most women off. He wants to be able to degrade you.

There does not seem to be any sense of we in your marriage at all. And why would you want to be with someone like this man at all?. Do not stay with him for the supposed sake of the children.

I’m so sorry @hewswho but that is one of the saddest posts I’ve ever read on here. When you said you feel like a piece of meat, that was enough for me. You don’t need this poor excuse for a human being in your life. 💐

Sorry for the late reply, these comments hit me like a ton of bricks and I've had a little cry. I get the feeling he's turned to porn a lot after the dcs births but particularly dc2, as it wasn't always this way, believe it or not we use to have a really happy and healthy sex life I can't quite work out where it went wrong, DH stopped talking to me also about 2/3 years ago, doesn't like having 'deep' chats, says he has nothing to talk about other than the sex, which he blames on the fact he's not getting it (he receives some form of it at least once a week which I wouldn't call sex starved)

I'd honestly be happy to never have sex again in my life.

Last weekend was particularly heavy with it and all week I've been on the verge of tears. I've tried to explain that what he sees on porn is not normal or healthy in a relationship but he's one of those men who always know best.

Spitting? He spits on you? My god op, unless you are totally on board with that, run a fucking mile! He sounds like a porn addled moron 🤮

Even if you magically returned to having a good sex life and conversations, you wouldn't be able to overlook these years he's treated you like a malfunctioning sex toy, would you? He's coercing you into sex you definitely do not want. You can stop doing it today, you know.

This isn’t good.
Sorry you’re going through this, you must be exhausted. I think you’ve articulated well what you need to feel romantic towards him and sounds like he’s ignored that. I would lose my sex drive too.

This is exactly my worry, even if we fix the sex issue I think it runs much deeper now, I feel unheard and disrespected. I guess I know what the answer is but it's scary and I come from a religious family where leaving a marriage isn't really the done thing. I can guarantee if I asked family they would say get on with it, which is why I have for so long.

This isn’t good.
Sorry you’re going through this, you must be exhausted. I think you’ve articulated well what you need to feel romantic towards him and sounds like he’s ignored that. I would lose my sex drive too.

My heart bleeds for you this is not a normal or nice man. You deserve a loving nice partner and not to be degraded like this. You are a warrior, carried and birthed his child and he treats you like a slave of meat in a bad porn film with no love no affection no humanity.

No I think from your post he is a misogynistic abusive man who you need to escape from. He is not even a nice person.

If you told people he wants to have rough sex and slap and spit on you - they would say to stay? You need a whole new family my darling as if my daughter told me that I would go and get her and the children and wrap my arms around her and my husband would be having words about porn and abuse and assault.

Start a new trend in your family, OP. One where women expect respect, and the man has to keep up his side of the marital bargain - not just by earning money. Don't ask your family; if anything, tell them. You're going to get ill putting up with this treatment. The last time you had sex can be the last time. Really. Would be amazing, wouldn't it?

I think this is important OP.

From your first post I was going to suggest a frank talk with your husband: “Husband, I would like to talk about reinvigorating our sex life, however, I am an equal partner in that just like I am an equal partner in your life. I will not be degraded or used to fulfil some fantasy based on what you’ve seen in porn. If that is the kind of sex you want now you will be doing it without me.”

It sounds like you’re past that and he is bullying you into doing it the way he wants. Once a week with young children sounds plenty to me to be honest - when kids aren’t sleeping well we’ve easily gone weeks!

I absolutely hate this porn driven idea that women are happy to be disrespected and degraded during sex (the Bonnie Blue types aren’t helping that!) just because we don’t want to be choked, spat on or called names doesn’t mean we boring!

Be brave, OP. You deserve better.

You have a child with high needs. I absolutely empathise with you here as I have a child who has level 3 autism, global delay and non verbal. It takes every part of you all day every day to look after a child with high needs. Even when they are sleeping you cramps in your life into such a short time frame. They say it’s like being a soldier on active duty- it’s that kind of pressure.

and for him to say he’s jealous of the time you dedicate to your children! Maybe if he put in the same effort he would be too knackered to constantly think of sex fetishes!!

those fetishes to are using you like a doll, it could literally be with anyone.

my uncle came around to visit this week and mentioned that I spend all my time with my high needs child and ignore my other child. This hit me like an absolute fucking brick. I feel mum guilt every single fucking day (sorry for swearing but it got me that angry) I won’t go into the details of how I try to readdress the balance between my children but I absolutely do, and am hyper aware of this. This man sees us every blue moon and that comment devastated me. So if it’s your husband, the one who should be helping equally with your children and he clearly chooses not too, treats you like a slave, comments on your appearance, treats you like a sex doll. This man is not kind or fair you have normalised a very low bar (that’s not a judgement I e done this too in the past!) he has zero respect for you and doesn’t see you for who you are. An amazing person who is trying so hard to keep the plates spinning, he should be in awe of you!

don be frightened of being a single mum, you do it all already. Get your ducks in a row, and plan for a future where the people in your life are worthy of you x thinking of you x

This ^ with bells on.

If you’re not into what he wants to do, he should respect that. He shouldn’t keep going on about it. He should be having a conversation with you about why you don’t want sex, and if there is anything he can do to support and change it. It just sounds like he’s heaping the blame on you but won’t discuss his part. That doesn’t make him a partner in any sense of the word.