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Original poster

If you bickered often with you partner before children- what was it like when children came along?

34 replies

Ketytab · 14/08/2025 09:57

Just that really.
me and my partner bicker a lot- over silly things like shopping, dinners, cleaning etc. it’s weekly at this stage but can run on for a few days.
I worry then if we have children will this only get worse, has anyone any experience of this?

OP posts:
JTAP · 14/08/2025 10:07

Honestly it’s going to get a lot worse especially when you start arguing over who is more tired, who does more, who is worse off etc.

Having a baby does place a huge strain on a relationship.

My husband and I have always bickered too. He has ADHD and so his memory is poor, he gets very distracted, he comes out with stupid things etc. This was all hugely magnified when we had a child and to be honest it was one of the reasons I only had one child! There were also times I wished I’d never had a child with him.

Things are much better now that ours is older. Obviously his ADHD still causes issues but we try and discuss things calmly or if we’re going to have an argument at least wait until our child isn’t around to hear it!

TY78910 · 14/08/2025 10:08

I can’t tell you exactly how it’ll be but you need to consider hormones, lack of time, exhaustion - just to name a few. Even the best relationships tend to suffer when babies come along because of those things. I think you need to work on your communication before considering children

Nosleepforthismum · 14/08/2025 10:09

We didn’t bicker before kids and we rarely bicker now even with two.

Can you give an example of what you argue over? And why does it run on for a few days? That’s probably the most concerning bit on your post. Having kids does not make relationships easier and problems you had before will be exacerbated once kids are in the mix.

Original poster
Ketytab · 14/08/2025 10:11

Nosleepforthismum · 14/08/2025 10:09

We didn’t bicker before kids and we rarely bicker now even with two.

Can you give an example of what you argue over? And why does it run on for a few days? That’s probably the most concerning bit on your post. Having kids does not make relationships easier and problems you had before will be exacerbated once kids are in the mix.

It could be something like they were late to something we had arranged, which annoyed me and then they got defensive and then stopped talking to me for a few days.
or I had to work a shift which meant I couldn’t go to a family event or something.
hard to think on the spot about what they are but they are often and I’d say we are really to blame

OP posts:
Original poster
Ketytab · 14/08/2025 10:12

Nosleepforthismum · 14/08/2025 10:09

We didn’t bicker before kids and we rarely bicker now even with two.

Can you give an example of what you argue over? And why does it run on for a few days? That’s probably the most concerning bit on your post. Having kids does not make relationships easier and problems you had before will be exacerbated once kids are in the mix.

It could be something like they were late to something we had arranged, which annoyed me and then they got defensive and then stopped talking to me for a few days.
or I had to work a shift which meant I couldn’t go to a family event or something.
hard to think on the spot about what they are but they are often and I’d say we are really to blame

OP posts:
DidIdotheritething · 14/08/2025 10:12

Don’t have children with this person.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/08/2025 10:13

If you’re constantly to bickering, probably time for a rethink.

FoxRedPuppy · 14/08/2025 10:14

Much, much worse. We are divorced now.

Children put huge strain on even the best of relationships.

R0ckandHardPlace · 14/08/2025 10:14

Honestly, if you’re in a relationship where you both bicker a lot, move on. Life is far too short. Don’t even think about having a baby together because it will get so much worse.

MsJen · 14/08/2025 10:18

My in-laws bicker a lot. It’s so awkward to be around. My parents also bickered constantly when I was growing up. Horrible environment to live in.
I have friends, a couple who I see much less of these days, they also bicker.
It’s a ridiculous way to behave with the one person you’re choosing to be with. I don’t get it.

YodasHairyButt · 14/08/2025 10:19

You will have way more to bicker about once you have kids.

Mewling · 14/08/2025 10:19

Him not talking to you for days is not a good sign IMO. That would be a fairly significant red flag for me.

Girlmom35 · 14/08/2025 10:21

The lack of constructive communication skills and conflict resolution skills in a relationship get amplified times 10 after having children.

The silly things you argue about now, won't be silly anymore. They will become massive and existential. And your willingness to compromise will shrink to nothing.

Are you happy in this relationship?
Are you happy staying in this relationship, even if nothing ever changes?
And most of all, are you happy knowing your future children would most likely end up in this kind of relationship themselves, because it's what they've grown up to perceive as normal?

HollyIvie · 14/08/2025 10:25

kids definitely won't make it easier if you already bicker. They will also bicker between themselves
I hate bickering and the atmosphere it creates, it's not good for you. Maybe try and work on the communication between yourselves for your own sanity before adding kids into the mix

yeesh · 14/08/2025 10:31

The not speaking for days is much more than bickering tbh. My parents bicker all the time, it’s draining to be around and ruins nearly every visit/occasion we have.

Daisyvodka · 14/08/2025 10:33

What are you both doing to work on the bickering?
Do your parents bicker a lot OP, because its not actually healthy or normal and im not sure if you realise that, its hard to know what's normal when its all you've ever known. Normally this level of bickering is a sign that the relationship is in deep trouble.

AgentJohnson · 14/08/2025 10:37

Come on OP, it sounds like you are clutching at straws. This is not a relationship for a child to be brought into.

TeenagersAngst · 14/08/2025 10:40

Bickering a lot is a sign that you are incompatible in quite a few areas of your life. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that for the long-term.

itsgivingenglishteacher · 14/08/2025 10:47

As others have said, it got much, much worse and ended in divorce when kids were under 10. Unbearable.

Definitelymaybenoyes · 14/08/2025 10:48

Yeah don't have children with this person... We never bickered before children. Now the children/tasks relating to the children is all we do bicker about.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 14/08/2025 11:42

Ketytab · 14/08/2025 10:12

It could be something like they were late to something we had arranged, which annoyed me and then they got defensive and then stopped talking to me for a few days.
or I had to work a shift which meant I couldn’t go to a family event or something.
hard to think on the spot about what they are but they are often and I’d say we are really to blame

Show quote history

Christ, please don't bring a kid into this relationship. They don't deserve parents who argue constantly and give each other the silent treatment

Original poster
Ketytab · 14/08/2025 12:46

itsgivingenglishteacher · 14/08/2025 10:47

As others have said, it got much, much worse and ended in divorce when kids were under 10. Unbearable.

Really? What way did it go for you?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 14/08/2025 13:02

You 1000% need to be able to argue/discuss things without it feeling like an actual fight. This will not get better after kids, it will get worse.

DH and I sound like we bicker a lot but it's affectionate, we aren't actually annoyed, we just talk like that. We never notice until we spent time with family over several days and they said we sounded like a pair of kids Grin

When there's a serious issue we talk about it. We've never given each other the silent treatment or gone off in a huff. My ex used to do that and it was so unhelpful because nothing ever got resolved.

Mrsttcno1 · 14/08/2025 13:07

If you’re already picking at each other now then it will be far far worse with children because you have less time, stress levels are higher, everyone is more tired, there’s also sooo many more things to bicker about:

  • I got up with X so you have to do Y
  • I did the midnight feed and the 3am feed so you need to do this
  • Competitive tiredness
  • I changed more nappies yesterday so you do them all today
  • Why didn’t you clean the bottles/highchair/clothing/bedding
  • Baby had a bad night/is poorly so we can’t do X plan as agreed
  • No you can’t do everything you want to do still we have kids

If every single little thing leads to a bicker which leads to a 3 day silent streak your poor kids will never hear you speak to each other.

Don’t have a child together, you can already see it doesn’t work.

CountryGirlInTheCity · 14/08/2025 13:24

This sounds tiresome and wearing, I would hate to live like that. What model would you be showing to any children you brought into this? That little irritations can’t go unspoken, that silence is a good way to manage a conflict…it sounds awful.

I accept that personalities are different and the way people conduct their relationships is different but quite honestly when I hear couples constantly bickering over insignificant things, I wonder if they actually like each other. Do DH and I annoy each other sometimes? Yes. Are we sometimes tired and irritable? Yes? But do we constantly take verbal lumps out of each other and pick away at little things? No, because it would make both of us miserable and conveys the message ‘Everything you do annoys me.’ My kids behaved like this with each other when they were small and I couldn’t wait until they’d understood the message that that’s not how we communicate in our house.

My ILs (married over 50 years) bicker all the time and it makes conversation with them
such hard work. FIL constantly correcting MIL over exact details of a story she’s telling or MIL telling off FIL for some minor misdemeanour like where he left the tool box last time he used it. We have to take a big deep breath before calling them - I’d hate to think my kids felt the same about calling us. Also DH says they weren’t half as bad when he was growing up so it seems these things only get worse with age. Please think twice about what atmosphere you would be bringing children into…and please think about how you and your DP conduct your relationship in general. Being caring towards each other and making allowances (on both sides) leads to a much happier life!