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Original poster

Stay with dependable secure boyfriend when I feel in my gut this is not the ‘big love’ for me?

39 replies

Greenwatch · 14/08/2025 07:19

I’ve had an awful divorce from my ex husband, multiple affairs came to light and he left out of nowhere. Very traumatic but it was 6 years ago and I feel I’ve worked hard to move on

I have a boyfriend now of 1.5 years. He is a lovely guy, kind, caring, loving, generous etc all the things you would want but I don’t have massive sparks or a completely ‘loved up’ feeling with him. I love him and have a strong attachment to him, enjoy his company and spending time with him. Is this enough? I’m early 30s so still young. I’ve done the online daring and it’s grim so I dread the thought of going back to that but I’m not sure if it’s right to him (or myself) to settle. I also wonder if I just feel very sceptical now about relationships and it’s maybe a me issue.

has anyone experienced this?

OP posts:
Onwardspeople · 14/08/2025 07:21

Only you can know the answer to this op, but sometimes people confuse that “loved up” feeling with drama and anxiety. If you’ve never had a safe, secure relationship, when you find one it can feel a bit…..boring and wrong?

CagneyNYPD1 · 14/08/2025 07:30

Agree with @Onwardspeople

Massive sparks and completely loved up - what does that actually mean? Sexual chemistry? Instant connection and attraction?

Only you know if you are happy in this relationship. But be very careful of ditching what could be a life long, loving, fulfilling relationship for a bit of fantasy.

Mumlaplomb · 14/08/2025 07:32

Agree with the comments above. If you came out of a relationship with big highs and lows and anxiety then a normal steady relationship may feel dull or like the spark of missing when really you just haven’t got the anxiety. If you fancy him and like him I would stick with it for now.

HermioneWeasley · 14/08/2025 07:32

I think you’ve watched too many films

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 14/08/2025 07:35

Also agree with @Onwardspeople, have you had any therapy?. Might be worth it to look into any issues you might be having before making a big mistake. The best love can be one that is calming, comfortable and safe- the worst love personally for me is one that gives you high and lows, dopamine thrills. Perhaps explore your feelings first with therapy.

dogcatkitten · 14/08/2025 07:36

The grand passion is over hyped and usually quickly fizzles out. Loving, comfortable, generous and dependable sounds like long term, enjoyable and relaxing. Was the nasty husband a grand passion?

Iwasphotoframed · 14/08/2025 07:39

Was just coming on to say something like @Onwardspeople said. That intense bond often seems to be a repeat of those things that feel close to the stuff that mirrors your childhood relationship with your parents and often it is the parts that didn’t work well for you as a child and you feeling comfortable with that dynamic.

Original poster
Greenwatch · 14/08/2025 07:39

My ex husband was the grand passion, I loved him with all my heart. The affairs completely blindsided me as I thought our marriage was good. It wasn’t a very fraught relationship at all so I have never had that drama or craziness

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/08/2025 07:40

Not enough info in your OP. Eg do you enjoy his company, laugh, have good sex, compatible to spend time together, resolve conflicts/problems etc?

Feeling ‘loved up’ and ‘sparks’ seems subjective. For example, do you actually mean you find him and/or sex with him dull?

TeaAndStrumpets · 14/08/2025 07:40

HermioneWeasley · 14/08/2025 07:32

I think you’ve watched too many films

Very true!

Lighteningstrikes · 14/08/2025 07:42

Also agree with @Onwardspeople

I’m presuming you had that ‘loved up’ feeling with your ex-husband and look what sort of character he was.

Maybe you’re just too young to settle down. Maybe play the field.

You should set your BF free so that he can meet the right one.

Original poster
Greenwatch · 14/08/2025 07:43

Dozer · 14/08/2025 07:40

Not enough info in your OP. Eg do you enjoy his company, laugh, have good sex, compatible to spend time together, resolve conflicts/problems etc?

Feeling ‘loved up’ and ‘sparks’ seems subjective. For example, do you actually mean you find him and/or sex with him dull?

Yes enjoy his company (although sometimes think he’s maybe a bit quiet/have a lot to say but don’t always mind that) we have a great sex life, enjoy spending time together. Conflicts etc become drawn out (probably on both our parts) and sometimes the issues seem very juvenile and insignificant to me

OP posts:
distinctpossibility · 14/08/2025 07:44

It's a bit like those Facebook posts when couples celebrate having been together for 2 years "through thick and thin". My husband and I have been together nearly 2 decades and there's been very little "thin" for us. We just rub along happily together without drama. I know it can refer to things outside of the relationship too but what I'm getting at is - don't confuse drama for love. It may not be a great love like the films but it could be a deep, nourishing one.

Dozer · 14/08/2025 07:47

Drawn out conflicts over what you think should be minor issues doesn’t sound great.

It’s fine to date someone but after X time or Y situation decide they’re not for you long term.

Worrying about your prospects being single isn’t good reason to stay in a meh relationship (not necessarily saying yours is)

Mumlaplomb · 14/08/2025 08:10

Yes OP maybe your doubts are due to having drawn out conflicts? If it’s an early stage relationship you wouldn’t normally expect much by way of conflict?

BlueRin5eBrigade · 14/08/2025 08:18

How do you communicate? How do you resolve issues? Is he supportive? Does he have your back? Do you have shared values/ beliefs? Do you agree on kids? How to split finances etc.

The thing is that loved up feeling fade. What's more important is mutual respect, communication and loyalty.

When I was young I had a love that was so passionate and so intense every relationship after was boring. The thing is it was part of his tactics. He would love me intensely. He would make me feel like I was his soul mate. He'd beat me. He'd cheat on me. He would abuse me. He would love bomb me. It took about 10 years to realise his love wasn't love or passion it was just a means to control me so he could continue to abuse me. Was your live really love or was it his guilt for cheating on you? His was of keeping control? I don't know but it's something you might want to explore.

aCatCalledFawkes · 14/08/2025 08:29

This is actually similar to how I’m feeing. I’ve been on a number of date with someone who is incredibly generous and caring. We message every day, it feels so easy. I’m away at the moment and he is due to go away tomorrow we admit we both miss each other. While I identify with the not feeling loved up feelings, I’ve had those before and each time the relationship turned in to a disaster. I’m really hoping that this will be more of a slow burn as we get closer.

Original poster
Greenwatch · 14/08/2025 08:31

I just have a gut feeling sometimes that this is not it, my feelings feel quite lukewarm at times and I know his are stronger than that.
I wonder if it’s a case of someone ticking all the boxes but the connection just not being quite right

OP posts:
MargoLivebetter · 14/08/2025 09:02

Having been through not dissimilar myself @Greenwatch I would say that if you don't really deeply love someone you will not fight for the relationship when it gets difficult. I think you need to feel very strongly about someone to push through the tough times. That's just my opinion though. Only you will know if you have it in you to either grow a really strong connection or not.

Original poster
Greenwatch · 14/08/2025 09:04

MargoLivebetter · 14/08/2025 09:02

Having been through not dissimilar myself @Greenwatch I would say that if you don't really deeply love someone you will not fight for the relationship when it gets difficult. I think you need to feel very strongly about someone to push through the tough times. That's just my opinion though. Only you will know if you have it in you to either grow a really strong connection or not.

How did that work out for you?

OP posts:
MargoLivebetter · 14/08/2025 09:14

It didn't. I tried really hard but when it got tough as all relationships do, I just didn't want to be with them enough. I loved them but I wasn't passionate enough about them. I think you need that bit of sparky passion about someone. It's what keeps the connection going.

Luxembourgmama · 14/08/2025 09:14

BlueRin5eBrigade · 14/08/2025 08:18

How do you communicate? How do you resolve issues? Is he supportive? Does he have your back? Do you have shared values/ beliefs? Do you agree on kids? How to split finances etc.

The thing is that loved up feeling fade. What's more important is mutual respect, communication and loyalty.

When I was young I had a love that was so passionate and so intense every relationship after was boring. The thing is it was part of his tactics. He would love me intensely. He would make me feel like I was his soul mate. He'd beat me. He'd cheat on me. He would abuse me. He would love bomb me. It took about 10 years to realise his love wasn't love or passion it was just a means to control me so he could continue to abuse me. Was your live really love or was it his guilt for cheating on you? His was of keeping control? I don't know but it's something you might want to explore.

Yes precisely this. Butterflies are just anxiety created by a dramatic relationship. Thats not "love" its drama.

Original poster
Greenwatch · 14/08/2025 09:17

MargoLivebetter · 14/08/2025 09:14

It didn't. I tried really hard but when it got tough as all relationships do, I just didn't want to be with them enough. I loved them but I wasn't passionate enough about them. I think you need that bit of sparky passion about someone. It's what keeps the connection going.

I’m not sure I’d be passionate enough about any relationship now after my marriage to keep it going during tough times….

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 14/08/2025 09:20

Maybe release this man and try some counselling sessions to work out what you really want and move on from ex husband trauma of his affairs in what you thought was great marriage .

MargoLivebetter · 14/08/2025 09:21

@Greenwatch perhaps you are not ready for a relationship then.