Stay with dependable secure boyfriend when I feel in my gut this is not the ‘big love’ for me?

[Greenwatch]

I’ve had an awful divorce from my ex husband, multiple affairs came to light and he left out of nowhere. Very traumatic but it was 6 years ago and I feel I’ve worked hard to move on

I have a boyfriend now of 1.5 years. He is a lovely guy, kind, caring, loving, generous etc all the things you would want but I don’t have massive sparks or a completely ‘loved up’ feeling with him. I love him and have a strong attachment to him, enjoy his company and spending time with him. Is this enough? I’m early 30s so still young. I’ve done the online daring and it’s grim so I dread the thought of going back to that but I’m not sure if it’s right to him (or myself) to settle. I also wonder if I just feel very sceptical now about relationships and it’s maybe a me issue.

has anyone experienced this?

yes maybe not. Although I’d hope after all these years I would be. I’m maybe not ready for the ‘conventional’ relationship again.
my friends all say when it’s the right person you’ll know…but I’m not sure

and I appreciate all the posters saying that butterflies aren’t a good sign etc. I disagree. I don’t want a mad passionate love but I want to feel very much in love with the person rather than just a bit in love

yes maybe not. Although I’d hope after all these years I would be. I’m maybe not ready for the ‘conventional’ relationship again.
my friends all say when it’s the right person you’ll know…but I’m not sure

and I appreciate all the posters saying that butterflies aren’t a good sign etc. I disagree. I don’t want a mad passionate love but I want to feel very much in love with the person rather than just a bit in love

After my marriage ended I was in a very intense and dramatic relationship was devastated when we split even thought it was not comfortable. Don’t think I would meet anyone I would be so intensely attracted to again. And I didn’t, but did meet a massively better man who is kind, attentive, reliable, generous, funny and fantastic in bed and makes me feel cherished and secure. Messages just the right amount 😀 and has amazing emotional intelligence.
But wouldn’t have thought it when I met him and my friends were very surprised /he is quiet and unassuming/ a recent widower/left school with two GCSEs (I have post grad)/he doesn’t know the difference between there and their/your and you’re 😂.
It is not the roller coaster of passion and limerance it’s so much better to feel certain that this person will do what he says and his plans are not grandiose and come to nothing, but thoughtful and always happen…

I'm jaded by my recent experience of a 2 month car crash where there was intense chemistry and what I thought was love. It was with someone addicted as it turns out to alcohol and probably other things.

But I do have a fairly good 12 year marriage behind me until he left so I know what a safe relationship feels like.
My advice stick with this man if there is love and if the sex is good. Deep safe companionship and love is gold. Don't start again looking for the mythical love of your life especially if you want to have kids, and you're in your 30s. Ost men out there aren't as good as what you describe.

At your age, there are fewer and fewer good men out there. The good ones pair off in their late twenties, and stay paired. The inadequate ones come back onto the market in their thirties.

Your choice is not between this relationship and another one.
It is between this relationship and being single.

Plus possibly missing your fertility window. Do you hope to have children at some point? If so, choose the father wisely.

Are you happy? Because that's the only real question. Does being in this relationship, with this man, make you happy. Or is there something missing that if it were present would make you happier than you are now.

I never had the "big love" with DP. There were no butterflies when I first met her, I didn't think "This is the woman I'm going to spend the rest of my life with". No big swooping emotions. We just met, connected, and liked spending time together so spent more time together until one day something clicked and I just went "Oh, I love this person"

We're kind of in a unique situation because just under a year into our relationship a kid turned up, and the earliest warning we had was DP going into labour. That was really the moment we both jumped into the relationship with both feet. It had just been fairly casual until then, and suddenly we had a child and needed to work out whether we were actually doing this or not. I'd already clicked that I loved her by that point, it took DP a few more months.

We're nearly 20 years in now, and I can honestly say that every single moment of them, I've been happier because she's in my life, than if she wasn't.

I've done the "big love", and it didn't make me happy. Those rollercoasters of emotions have higher highs, but lower lows. Real love is just wanting someone in your life every day because their mere presence makes your day better. With or without the rollercoaster, that's the core of it.

See I think when you know you know. If you know he's not the one move on. You will never find your big love staying and neither will he

I was in a similar situation to you. Met me exH at the age of 19, were together 16 years, married for 10. Our relationship was intense and exciting... in other words, lots of drama. He too had multiple affairs and I was broken when our marriage ended. But... I had therapy for a good few years afterwards and learnt a lot about myself and relationships. My parents divorced when I was 10 and their marriage was not good so I don't have an example of what a happy relationship should look like. so when I met my current partner, I thought something was wrong. There's none of that wild, frantic, romance story passion, no worriesaboutkeeoinf things excitingso he doesnt cheat. It's comfortable and easy, and calm. I thought this meant I didn't love him like my exH. Anyway, what I've learnt is that this is what it is meant to be like. There is love, respect, little drama as we communicate like adults and resolve things quickly, the sex is great, we love each other's company and we share core values. I echo the above and suggest therapy. Cheating is a type of abuse and will have impacted you, especially if your parents' relationship wasn't great

If he disappeared out of your life tomorrow how would you feel? A bit meh? Sad /bereft? Miss having someone/anyone or actually miss HIM?

I would feel lonely at not having a partner I think

Listen to your gut feeling. Just the fact that you’ve started this thread and described it as “settling” tells you what you need to know.
It doesn’t need to be a “grand passion” like in the movies, but there does need to be a bit of a spark, a little something that makes you feel excited to be with him. If that’s missing and there’s no loved up feeling when you’re still in the honeymoon stage then it can only go downhill from here.

I’ve been in a similar situation and stayed with him for 3 years because I tried to do the sensible thing and talked myself into it in a similar way you’re doing, and it was a disaster in the end.
Later I met DH and just knew he was the one without having to agonise over it. More than 10 years later I still often feel the flutters when I see him come home or hear a song he likes. There’s no drama, anxiety or nights and lows, it’s very much a safe and calm relationship. You can have that as well as the loved up feeling, and I’m so glad I held out for it because it’s what’s kept our relationship going through the often monotonous and stressful years of juggling work and young kids. I can’t imagine doing that with someone I felt “meh” about.

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While, no, the right person isn't all sparks and passion, I don't think you'd be questioning this if you really thought he was the right person for you. You should feel completely content and at home.

A partner or him particularly? If “just” a partner, then yeah… you’re not that into him.