I’m a woman who recently turned 40. I’ve been in a relationship with a man for about 8 months. One thing that’s really important to mention is that I’m extremely sapiosexual, and that’s probably why this relationship has been confusing me from the very beginning. I’m 40 and he is 40. We are both divorced but want a family and kids, so we are looking for a partner to start a family with. This goal is mutual.
We met in the winter. Right away, the physical chemistry wasn’t there. He’s not my type physically. I’m more active, sporty, and social. He lives a much more sedentary life, is slightly overweight, and has some minor health complaints that are clearly related to lifestyle. But intellectually, he completely blew me away. I didn’t always agree with him, but he’s incredibly successful at work, runs a few businesses, just defended his PhD, and is well-traveled. His stories pulled me in. I could listen for hours.
My life is a little different. I have a stable, well-paid job, but I’m not a workaholic. I value presence and connection more than ambition or chasing success. I value calm living far more than chasing success. But around him, I’m drawn in. That intellectual stimulation hooked me. I think that’s what brought us together, despite all our differences.
The problem is that I now see more clearly that my emotional needs are not being met. I don’t think they ever will be. Our lifestyles are also incredibly different.
Since early on, I’ve felt a low-level anxiety around him—not butterflies or excitement, but confusion and tension I couldn’t name. Now I realize that anxiety was probably my unmet needs trying to make themselves heard.
There are things about him that really unsettle me. From the beginning, he told me he doesn’t have close friends and believes friendships only last while shared interests last. That was somewhat of a red flag for me. I understand that sometimes people have to cut certain family members off from their lives due to toxicity, but in his case, the relationships didn’t seem very toxic. I deeply value long-term relationships and feel that friendship is the root of love. He has lost touch with every friend over time. He doesn’t speak with his siblings and has a polite but distant relationship with his mother. He genuinely says he doesn’t need friends and that his partner should fulfill most of his needs. To be fair, he is not totally aloof. Due to his high-level status and job, he knows many people, is often recognized in the city when we walk, and meets with business acquaintances quite often. He also has acquaintances through his hobbies, which are military-related. He loves having intellectual discussions with these people, and they meet often.
But I feel very isolated sometimes in this relationship. He’s never made an effort to meet my friends or family. He rarely asks about them and seems to only care about what they do for work. He doesn’t join group dinners or any social events. It’s like the rest of my life doesn’t exist when we’re together. I’ve tried to mention several times that this is important to me, but I haven’t seen much effort to integrate it into his life. Also, due to our lifestyle differences, my life has become more sedentary than before. He rarely prefers walking even short distances over driving. Our mutual rest usually means renting a very expensive hotel and then literally spending almost the entire day there. He reads the news or a book, and I get incredibly bored. Sure, I could go for a walk by myself, but I feel like I’m also becoming a little lazier with him and would like to do mutual activities together.
Another issue is how sensitive he is to even the smallest suggestions. I’ve learned to walk on eggshells around him (I may be exaggerating a little, but I don’t know how to express myself better). I’m someone who values honesty and gentle communication, but even when I’m careful, he often feels criticized or insulted. Recently, he was planning to drive his pets to the vet and I saw there was roadwork on his route. I mentioned it and suggested a detour. He got upset and said I was treating him like a child. He said it made him feel like I don’t admire him or trust him to solve things on his own. He often talks about needing to feel admired and validated. I try to be supportive, but I also need to feel like I can speak honestly without tiptoeing every time I have an opinion.
Our sex life reflects some of these emotional patterns too. On the surface, our sex life is active and frequent, but to be honest, something has been feeling really off for me since quite early on. Every sexual encounter follows exactly the same routine. It’s incredibly predictable and has started to feel more draining than fulfilling. We start with some manual stimulation, I go down on him, then I’m on top, and then the cycle repeats. We’ve never tried any other positions, not even the most basic ones like missionary or from behind. One position in six months—me on top. He’s also never given me oral, although he loves it very much when I do it for him and expresses that clearly. Most of the time, he pleasures me with his hands and then I am able to orgasm, which interests him a lot. I’ve gently brought up the idea of trying new things or receiving oral from him, being kissed elsewhere than on the lips and nipples only, but nothing has changed. He says that, for instance, giving oral isn’t his thing, but he loves receiving it as a sign of admiration. He listens to what I say but nothing really changes. He responds with “yes, okay, you may like it, but it’s not my thing,” and our routine continues just the same. He struggles to finish and needs a lot of hand stimulation, which I suspect might be linked to his blood pressure medication (beta blockers). But we haven’t really had an open conversation about it and I’m now afraid to bring it up because he may feel criticized even more. He also seems more focused on the kinkier side of sex, such as handcuffs, nipple clamps, asking me to walk around naked, or driving with restraints. While I enjoy playful kink, it’s starting to feel one-sided and lacking the emotional element and playfulness. The emotional intimacy I crave just isn’t there. Neither is reciprocation in bed. It feels like the sex we have is more about the performance of kink than a mutual, connected experience. When I ask what turns him on, his answers are often about control or visual stimulation, never about closeness or emotional connection. While we sleep together, though, he always acts in cute ways and hugs me.
There are many other things that don’t match. Our approaches to cleaning or our ways of handling daily life. Normally, I am someone who tries to find joy in the simple things in life, but with him I find it hardly possible. Evening or morning walks aren’t there, cooking together isn’t there most of the time. He hates cleaning, so it’s usually me doing it. He doesn’t ask me, but he hires a house cleaner twice a week. Still, with two huge dogs, I can’t stand the mess in between cleaning days. He has a huge backyard with a terrace where we could spend evenings together romantically, but he allows his dogs to poop there, so it’s not possible. When I brought this up, he said the dogs are his everything and he doesn’t want to clean the backyard, so we shouldn’t spend time there together. Period.
And yet I stay. I also know my reasons.
I think I stay because of the intellectual stimulation. Those conversations make me feel alive. Therapy is also helping me realize how much of this dynamic is tied to my past. I grew up with emotional neglect, especially from my father. My parents were cold, and I was often shamed for how I looked. Now, even though I know better, I still feel deeply flattered when someone chooses me and compliments me. This man (accomplished and rich) validates me in a way that hits something old inside me. I also learned that I have a pattern of mistaking anxiety for chemistry. That emotional confusion feels familiar. It’s like I’ve been trained to associate that uncertainty with attraction. Even though I’m aware of it, it’s hard to break free. I grew up in a family that faced financial struggles. In this relationship, that’s not an issue. I am a working woman with a good job, but maybe it’s my childhood trauma speaking again.
Help me understand why I am struggling so much to leave and how to leave him sooner? What has helped you when you realized in a relationship that wasn't good for you? I’m starting to feel depressed about the whole situation. Many many thanks!