Ghosted?

[amatista]

I met a single dad at my son’s football. We’ve chatted a lot online over the past 7 months - mostly general chat, sometimes intimate. Also I would see him sometimes at my son’s football. I felt that as a minimum we had become friends, even if things were a bit blurred sometimes. There’s never been any suggestion of actually getting together though, but I’d have liked to. (But my situation is complicated as I’ve just come out of a long term relationship, but am still in the house with my ex and kids until it’s sold.)

It was his birthday recently and I said I’d like to get him a little something. This really came from knowing that he’d been feeling low ( he is depressed) and wanting to do something nice. He said we’d find out when we were both available (for me to give him his gift). I suggested a specific week. He said he’d find a day and get back to me. Other messages in that chat were jokey and fun. And then nothing from him, and that was 2.5 weeks ago. We’d usually chat often - from same day to every few days or so, to long chats in real time. So this is a very noticeable silence.

I worried if he was ok, but I’ve seen he’s been online so he’s engaging in something / communicating. Just not with me. And it hurts like hell.

Part of me says to ignore him right back. But I will have to see him at some point at the football. Also, to me, saying nothing says that silence is ok and is a suitable way to deal with things.

I know I can’t second guess why he’s disappeared, but I wondered if he felt awkward about the gift (despite saying it was a nice thing). So do I send a breezy message, asking if he’s ok, and just saying it’s a shame I’ve not managed to give him his gift? Saying how the idea came from a place of friendship and care - that’s all.

Don’t want to be be accusatory or tell him how much he’s hurt me. (Though initially I wanted to). Maybe he doesn’t deserve anything from me. Maybe he’s actually been breadcrumbing, disappearing when things might move beyond messaging. Whatever I said I’d be saying it for me, not him.

My alternative is to keep my silence and when I see him, it will likely be in public, He usually stands with a friend of mine at football so unless I don’t stand with her, I’ll have to stand with him too and just pretend like nothing happened???

Feel so confused and hurt.

Any thoughts please?

I don't think mucky chat and friendship & care go together well, would you do that with any other bloke friend? It's allowed him to manipulate and be a player and muck you around.

It’s only when I describe it that it seems like that. It didn’t at the time. It was nice - he’s interesting and funny - and seemed to get me. Saying something and someone replying ‘that comment is so you’ - when it’s true, it was - is really something. And the sexy stuff just seemed like a bit of added fun.

I think that all that's happened here is you aren't on the same page about this connection.

When you suggested the gift, he interpreted that as meaning that you are perhaps after a deeper type of relationship than he is prepared to offer, so stopped engaging to give you that message.

It's hurtful and disappointing but all you can do is front it out and move on in your mind and try and revert back to a friendly casual acquaintance type relationship when you next see him. It needn't be awkward. Neither of you have done anything wrong.

No, I wouldn’t do that with any other male friends. I guess I was interested in more from the outset and couldn’t quite believe my luck when things went in that direction.

It sounds like he has freaked out and doesn’t want to tell you. Ghosting is an easy way out sadly but a cowards way out too. I would leave him to it, he knows you have messaged him and knows where you are. Just show up say hi when you see him and leave it like that. I am sorry this has happened to you, it is tough when you really like someone and even tougher when you have to see them at times. Often they come back so be prepared for that down the line. Would you really like a partner who treats you like this? I wouldn’t.

If you haven’t progressed anything beyond messaging in 7 months it’s not going to happen.
Cut your losses now, you are way more invested in this than he is. You’re not even dating, he doesn’t have to meet you or even respond to you. Move on.

I know I need to acknowledge to myself that the connection meant far more to me than it did him. I guess I just always wanted to believe he liked me.

as it stands, I absolutely dread seeing him.

We've all been there. Remember it's not a crime to like someone! He should be flattered. And he liked you enough to flirt a bit, just not enough to do birthday gifts! That's more a reflection on him and his behaviour than on you. You did nothing wrong! There is no need for shame. You were interpreting the signals he was putting out there.

The first time will feel horrible but once you get past the initial hello, it will be become fine and in time you will forget what the attraction ever was.

You dont need to feel any shame that you made a move on a man. Chin up and head high but remember you dont need this particular man in order to be happy.

This is probably stress and emotion from your other longer term relationship ending

Dont message I think he was just being kind in accepting the gift initially but then thought no he shouldn't. He clearly enjoyed having some banter with you and maybe now he wants to stop so just leave it be. Hold you're head up high if you see him and just be polite and thats it. Ps don't let him back in because I've a feeling he'll do it again when he's bored.

Are you sure he’s single? It seems odd that a single man would react like that to a small birthday gift.

Whatever his reasons, just stand where you normally stand, chat as you normally would and act like you’ve not been texting and he’s just another parent at the match. Hopefully that will make him feel a little of what you’ve been f.

Thanks for the comments.

I accept I was more invested that him, but I thought we at least had a friendship. Some ‘banter’, yes, but also other stuff, from families and backgrounds, to kids, music and politics. It was warm and funny. So the sudden silence hurts.

Did he ‘have to respond’? No, inasmuch as no-one really ‘has to’ do anything. But is this what I am to expect from people? That it’s ok to not actually say something but just leave someone hanging? Seems like a really low bar, not even hoping for basic manners and respect. And I keep my own silence because someone else didn’t have the guts to speak honestly? (And maybe misunderstood something which really just came from a place of friendship).

It is very low but at least you know now before you got involved with him. What are your thoughts on this? Will you just play him at his own game or ask what the issue is? Me personally I would leave him to it.

It sounds like you're a lot keener than him and your getting him a gift has freaked him out and he's backed off. If you're still living with your ex and he's struggling with depression, it doesn't sound like either of you are in a good place to start a relationship. Just smile and say hi when you see him at football, treat him like an acquaintance.

In my relationship with my ex, lots went unsaid for years. By him and me. I have been making an effort to communicate better and not leave things unsaid - doing the thing that gives me most peace. In this instance I don’t know what that is. Saying nothing to him is easier for now, but then I just have a pretence of nothing having happened when I do see him. Also thinking that I can show (to myself (and him, if he cares to see it)) that things can be addressed rather than avoided.

All I really want to say that the gift idea came from a place of friendship and care. No expectation of anything else, despite our blurred boundaries sometimes. And then just wish him well. Am wondering which approach gives me most peace with this.

I’m not sure I was looking for a relationship with him. Just to explore what could happen really. I know I was probably more into him than he was me, but now it feels like I just plugged a gap when he was feeling lonely, or horny. I can’t ignore him even if I wanted to. I replied to a message in our kids’ football WhatsApp yesterday and our replies were right next to one another. A reminder to him that I still exist anyway - not that he cares it seems….. I feel this in my stomach when I wake up in the night and again in the morning…. And much of the day 😩

It will get easier, can you have a break from the Whatsapp group for a bit? I would be inclined to block him to be honest. He has shown you little respect recently.

Can’t have a break from the group. It’s where the coaches post about training and fixtures etc. So I’m kind of stuck in it with him.

I suppose from his point of view, 7 months on and you’re still living with your ex, he probably doesn’t see you as a serious option, as hes single, he may be keeping his options open and found someone more available to date. Or just enjoyed a bit of flirting but doesn’t want to take it further and would feel uncomfortable accepting a gift.
I think just stand back from this, act approachable when you see him, but I wouldn’t engage in any more flirting as it’s confusing you. A guy would jump at the chance to meet you alone if he was seriously interested.

I'd assume either there's someone in his life and it was an inappropriate bit of flirting from him, or else he was flirting but he saw it as more of a possible fwb, rather than relationship? If you want to brush it away and not have any awkwardness at the football. I'd probably take the gift to football and hand it over with some banter about getting older.

Totally ignore on a personal level and wait to see what he does. Just my opinion...seems you are in 'different places' at the moment'. xx (Not to say nothing will ever happen - just back off & maybe see what happens??) x What would you say to a friend in the same position as yourself? 🌹

He's enjoyed the chit chat and flirting but it seems he doesn't want anything more from you. I would just turn up as usual, be polite but not address any of this drama. Time to cut this one free.

No, don’t be explaining that the gift came from a place of friendship! It doesn’t need saying.

I wouldn’t message him. I guess you need to take this as a big sign he isn’t interested. I feel for you as I have recently ended a casual thing with a guy I really like as he hardly ever replies to messages and I find it rude. As you said up thread, it’s basic manners. I’d just chat as normal if you see him and can’t avoid, but don’t message again on the personal chat.

Are you planning on moving out / ex moving out? It does make it really difficult to date. I wouldn’t want to date someone who still lives with their ex.

I had similar in the past, I got ghosted for weeks and it made me feel so worthless. I did the same to him and he got the hint and deleted me from social etc. Luckily we had not done the deed, lucky escape. No respect there :(