Fed up of DH after 20+ years - he is so aggressive and shows no interest

[JohnDenver]

Not sure what I am looking for this evening but am feeling out of sorts.

over 20 years together and his behaviour makes me want to walk away and never come back. But we have kids….

DC1 has recently said they don’t feel safe with him about and it breaks my heart.

we have had one incident earlier this year
which took me by surprise. I was left covered in bruises from being thrown (yes thrown) about because I told him to stop having a go at DC1. DC1 was awake and witnessed this. There had been some alcohol. But the look in DH eyes made me think he wanted to kill one of us.

DH refused to discuss it. And it’s as if he has decided it did not happen.

I have told a good friend (sadly not local to me) and she has reminded me there have been some unpleasant incidents before with me (not as violent) and his behaviour towards the kids has been called out by her to his face. Derogatory remarks. Picking up the kid in an aggressive manner. That sort of stuff.

so there is some form albeit not black n blue stuff.

I have had some time to think and I do not want this for me or for my kids.

however I don’t want to bring this up over the summer break because the kids are here and have no where else to go to get away to if it all gets too much. And also no one to speak with easily.

his language is aggressive and he talks down to me and to the kids.

DC1 has said DH has hit him when I’ve not been around.

last week when he told me I said to DH, in front of the DC, that if this happens again then it will mean instant divorce. This is the first time I have said the D word to DH.

he did not react.

the thing is that his behaviour has been off for a while. It’s like he has no interest in me.

we have no sex life. After the bruises I’m not interested anyway. And in any case he thinks he can get drunk and we can get it on. However he doesn’t speak to me. He doesn’t show interest in me or my life or my interests.

I love birthdays and typical British celebrations - Christmas, Mother’s Day, Easter, wedding anniversaries . my family always do cards and a small gift.

he used to do this. But in the last couple of years seems to have made less of an effort. It sounds stupid but for a number of years I mentioned I loved a certain type of mug (think stripey) and would love one. I bought him a daddy one. Various festivals passed by and no Mummy mug arrived. I sent him a link after 2 years. Still no mummy mug. In fact 2 christmases ago he bought mugs I hated. F-ing loads of them in various colours.

Around Mother’s Day I bought him another of those stripey Daddy mugs and 1 each for the kids with their names on. Easter Gifts from me. I was going to buy one for myself but thought it might antagonise him.

a few weeks later I finally received the stripey mummy mug. But it feels too late. 4 years too late!!! Bitter sweet.

in addition at Christmas we do stockings. I always end up doing both the kids as well as his and have always enjoyed picking out little gifts and keeping the magic alive….. A couple of years ago he told me very clearly he could sort mine out and didn’t need me to get matching gifts with the other stockings.

lo and behold he spent a week in bed before last Christmas. I stuffed the 3 stockings on Christmas Eve but At 1am I realised he wasn’t going to stuff mine. So I had to stuff blardy soap and shampoo into mine so the kids would not think Father Christmas had not been to me.

DC1 noticed.

DH got me nothing for Christmas. He wasn’t dying. We didn’t call the dr. He could have Amazoned the shit out of Christmas from his sick bed. He was well enough to watch TV ffs.

so adding it all up and it feels over to me. I’m not sure what to do.

i am the main bread winner and have been out earning him for a number of years. However he is currently unemployed and I feel like I need him to have a job before I make any moves.

I have the number of a lawyer who I plan to consult in September when the kids are back to school.

what else can I do?

I spoke to my sibling over the weekend. They were pretty shocked and of course DH is seen as a decent man so they came up with some reasons - is he suffering with depression , is working from home not good for him etc and suggesting talking to see if DH would react to being told we don’t feel safe here.

I just think this has been an issue for so long that I don’t have the capacity to see it working out now.

sorry just ranting and venting here on a hot summer evening …..

Birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day and Fathers Day are irrelevant.
Your child has disclosed that they don't feel safe with their father, because their father has assaulted them, and you.
Please re-read that sentence.
Protect your child.
Protect yourself.
Can you speak to the lawyer before September?
I know if feels unreal to contemplate disclosing his behaviour, but once you involve professionals, you create a network of support and protection.
Please remember that your friend has also seen awful behaviours as well.
Do you have any photos of the injuries? Can you speak to your GP?
If he is arrested and bailed away from the local area this will give you time and space to get the ball rolling and get legal advice and support from DV agencies.
All Boots pharmacies offer the Ask for ANI scheme- a trained worker will provide a private space and support you to make an initial phone call to the police or domestic abuse agencies.
https://www.boots-uk.com/newsroom/news/boots-to-offer-lifeline-to-domestic-abuse-victims-through-new-codeword-scheme/

How would he get arrested now? It was months ago & I am not sure I want to put DC through a police investigation now.

yes there are photos

can we move forward without the police?

What would I say to the GP?

1. Report his assaults to the police.
2. Educate yourself about the divorce process:
3. Wikivorce
4. Divorce for Dummies
5. Family Solicitor websites
6. Gather all financial documents: bank/investment statements, P60s, pensions, house deeds - everything
7. Consult with a family solicitor experienced in cases involving DV
8. File for divorce

What is it at the moment with mother's not putting their children first and nipping this shit in the bud?!?

Why would anyone want to wait around and see if their child got hurt again before acting on it??

No idea why you're going on about Christmas stockings when you're living with a man who covered you in bruises and hits your children.

Do you have evidence of the bruises? Did you tell anyone because evidence would work in your favour. Contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline which is available 24/7 and get out of there. Take your child and leave.

Here's the survivor's handbook
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Here's a directory of dv services:
https://domesticviolenceuk.org/find-support-near-you/

You can report domestic abuse at any time
https://www.police.uk/ro/report/domestic-abuse/a1/report-domestic-abuse/ and if there is an incident and you can't speak you can dial 999 then press 55 to alert the call handler, using a landline.
Victim Support is really good, and helps you consider all your options-their Live Chat is open 24/7
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-and-support/get-help/support-near-you/live-chat/
Disclosing the abuse to the GP would allow you to speak freely away from your husband, and you could show the photos of your injuries.
If you do disclose, the GP has a duty to pass to the multi-agency safeguarding hub, who will use a risk matrix to determine what response is needed.
It is absolutely key that you can show you are protecting your children from further abuse-you have sought support from your friend, reached out here and are planning to seek legal advice.
By speaking to agencies, the GP and the police, you are logging what has happened, which is absolutely crucial as your husband will no doubt deny what he has done.

You speak more about the mugs than the fact your husband abused his child and that your son doesn't feel safe. I hate to say this to a domestic abuse victim but please grow up. Act like a parent to that child. Leave the stupid mugs and get the hell away from this angry man before he really hurts one of you.

There's so much irrelevant detail in your OP @JohnDenver

The only thing that has any significance is the fact the you and your child are being assaulted.

You need to leave, tell the police about the assaults, and get divorced.

He threw you around.

He hits your child

Your child says they dont feel safe

What are you waiting for?

And it is precisely because of the children that you should leave your, and in turn their, abuser. Enough with frankly stupid writings about stockings and mugs!. Do not wait for him to get a job before leaving either, that’s not your problem .

Stop kicking the can down the road as you have done and firm up divorce proceedings.

Their home is not the sanctuary it should be and it’s not their fault either their dad has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you think your dc are learning from you two about relationships now?.

Thus is no life for them or you for that matter. If he is unemployed that’s also not a reason to further or yet again delay leaving. You have become so inured to his abuses of you all that you don’t know which way is up. Hence also your delay in leaving .

Women’s aid and a local firm of solicitors will help but you need to be brave here and take that first step out which is often the hardest, on your own.

Don't wait. Take action now. Plenty of good advice above. Don't blame yourself for your husband's shitty, abusive behaviour. Protect yourself and your children. The first step is hardest, but it will lead to a better life. Focus on the end goal.

FFS woman protect your child and go to the police/ leave/ kick him out (with men present).

The fact that it was months ago doesn't mean police can't act. You will find things SO MUCH harder if you don't report it to police. Think about future contact with the children - you might try to tell the family court that he assaulted you and them but without a police report it will be considered your word against his essentially. You may also get legal aid if you report to police which will be a massive help. Police can arrest him and bail him not to return to the house for a fixed period and you can use that time to plan how to get away safely. Your DC will not thank you for staying.

I posted on here recently under a different name about my long marriage that has become unhappy. Lots of posters encouraging me to leave, and my problems are NOWHERE near as serious or dangerous as yours!!

Believe me, if my husband was ever physically violent to me or my child, that would be an immediate and irrevocable end. You need to report him and either make him leave or leave yourself - RIGHT NOW.

Bluntly, I am not sure you are thinking straight. You are wittering on about mugs when your child is in danger? Don’t leave this until September. Get out today.

He’s made it easy. He’s hit his own child and not told you. I’m not a fan of quick splits with children but the only reason to stay with him would be if the children arent old enough to have their views taken into account in court about time spent with him. Theres a lot of couples who are only together because the children would have to spend time alone with the unsafe partner.

Maybe he would be less violent if he had a job. He can work that one out away from the children and you.

OP, I say this gently but your post seems like you’re in shock or not processing things normally - the mugs, the stockings are all just teeny things meanwhile the man you’re with is assaulting you and your child/children.

You owe this man nothing, you don’t need to wait till he gets a job, you don’t need to wait till September and if he’s depressed, that’s his problem to work out, not yours.

It doesn’t matter if the latest assault was months ago, this man needs to be removed from your home - for yours and your children’s safety. Please call women’s aid or speak to your GP - all you have to say is, ‘my husband has assaulted me and my child’. That’s it. And from that point, services should hopefully swing into action.

When you don’t keep your child safe, you become complicit.
When your child comes to you for help and you do nothing, you are complicit.
Please stop procrastinating and get your child out of this situation before you become complicit in something even more unspeakable that you have to live with for the rest of your life.

He physically assaults you and your children. What the hell are you waiting for?! For him to put one of you in hospital or kill you? It is urgent for you to get away from this man. When your child doesn't feel safe, it's not enough to 'feel heartbroken'.

This is NOT your fault OP. You have taken a lot of flak on this thread. Emotional and psychological abuse it is very hard to express the impact this has on your self and your esteem.

Your husband is a a lazy abusive piece of shit and you need to leave him now. You are worth so much more than this.

Consult a solicitor today

Do you have anywhere to go?

Take two weeks of work to sort it out either sick leave or holiday.

the reason many children are in foster care is because of violent men and the women who fail to act when their children are not safe.'

You need to understand, that people might be being very harsh, but its because its very worrying to us that you are talking about mugs when he has hit your child. It is though you are in a trance. Its like someone has set fire to your house and you very obviously need to leave and your children are trapped in the flames, but you are getting annoyed he hasnt made you a cup of tea. We are standing on the street aghast that you havnt pulled your kids out. Your house is on fire, sweetheart. You need to leave, immediately.

Don't wait until your children are back at school to start the ball rolling OP. You owe it to them to end this as soon as possible.

Forget the mugs and Xmas Op. Your DC don’t feel safe around him, they’ve been hit when you are out and he battered you black and blue. It will most likely escalate - start getting things sorted to get out of this. Wishing you well .

Please contact Refuge. This is more serious than you seem to think.