Fed up of DH after 20+ years - he is so aggressive and shows no interest

[JohnDenver]

Not sure what I am looking for this evening but am feeling out of sorts.

over 20 years together and his behaviour makes me want to walk away and never come back. But we have kids….

DC1 has recently said they don’t feel safe with him about and it breaks my heart.

we have had one incident earlier this year
which took me by surprise. I was left covered in bruises from being thrown (yes thrown) about because I told him to stop having a go at DC1. DC1 was awake and witnessed this. There had been some alcohol. But the look in DH eyes made me think he wanted to kill one of us.

DH refused to discuss it. And it’s as if he has decided it did not happen.

I have told a good friend (sadly not local to me) and she has reminded me there have been some unpleasant incidents before with me (not as violent) and his behaviour towards the kids has been called out by her to his face. Derogatory remarks. Picking up the kid in an aggressive manner. That sort of stuff.

so there is some form albeit not black n blue stuff.

I have had some time to think and I do not want this for me or for my kids.

however I don’t want to bring this up over the summer break because the kids are here and have no where else to go to get away to if it all gets too much. And also no one to speak with easily.

his language is aggressive and he talks down to me and to the kids.

DC1 has said DH has hit him when I’ve not been around.

last week when he told me I said to DH, in front of the DC, that if this happens again then it will mean instant divorce. This is the first time I have said the D word to DH.

he did not react.

the thing is that his behaviour has been off for a while. It’s like he has no interest in me.

we have no sex life. After the bruises I’m not interested anyway. And in any case he thinks he can get drunk and we can get it on. However he doesn’t speak to me. He doesn’t show interest in me or my life or my interests.

I love birthdays and typical British celebrations - Christmas, Mother’s Day, Easter, wedding anniversaries . my family always do cards and a small gift.

he used to do this. But in the last couple of years seems to have made less of an effort. It sounds stupid but for a number of years I mentioned I loved a certain type of mug (think stripey) and would love one. I bought him a daddy one. Various festivals passed by and no Mummy mug arrived. I sent him a link after 2 years. Still no mummy mug. In fact 2 christmases ago he bought mugs I hated. F-ing loads of them in various colours.

Around Mother’s Day I bought him another of those stripey Daddy mugs and 1 each for the kids with their names on. Easter Gifts from me. I was going to buy one for myself but thought it might antagonise him.

a few weeks later I finally received the stripey mummy mug. But it feels too late. 4 years too late!!! Bitter sweet.

in addition at Christmas we do stockings. I always end up doing both the kids as well as his and have always enjoyed picking out little gifts and keeping the magic alive….. A couple of years ago he told me very clearly he could sort mine out and didn’t need me to get matching gifts with the other stockings.

lo and behold he spent a week in bed before last Christmas. I stuffed the 3 stockings on Christmas Eve but At 1am I realised he wasn’t going to stuff mine. So I had to stuff blardy soap and shampoo into mine so the kids would not think Father Christmas had not been to me.

DC1 noticed.

DH got me nothing for Christmas. He wasn’t dying. We didn’t call the dr. He could have Amazoned the shit out of Christmas from his sick bed. He was well enough to watch TV ffs.

so adding it all up and it feels over to me. I’m not sure what to do.

i am the main bread winner and have been out earning him for a number of years. However he is currently unemployed and I feel like I need him to have a job before I make any moves.

I have the number of a lawyer who I plan to consult in September when the kids are back to school.

what else can I do?

I spoke to my sibling over the weekend. They were pretty shocked and of course DH is seen as a decent man so they came up with some reasons - is he suffering with depression , is working from home not good for him etc and suggesting talking to see if DH would react to being told we don’t feel safe here.

I just think this has been an issue for so long that I don’t have the capacity to see it working out now.

sorry just ranting and venting here on a hot summer evening …..

Thank you @PermanentTemporarythis is a fear of mine.

DC2 is in a world of their own and is possibly not old enough to be listened to.

I do not want DC2 on their own with DH for any length of time. He is not particularly gentle with DC2. Worse with DC1.

he is always trying to control them but they are not controllable.

however. At what age does the system listen to children and what they want?

DC2 is Y4. I don’t think I can wait 2-3 years.

Have you left? Or has your DH left?

Thank you.

Thank you. This is very helpful.

Thanka everyone.

I had not realised I was downplaying what had happened . My own parents were somewhat similar and are still together.

I don’t know when his behaviour escalated.
but it isn’t what I want for my kids.

I need to get my self in order.

thanks for the advice and the script

Your child has told you they don’t feel safe and have been assaulted by their father and you are asking the internet what to do ?

safeguard your child , remove them and you from harm.

you’ll have to look your adult child in the eye when they ask you years later “ why didn’t you safeguard me “

LTB and also RTBTTP ( report the bastard to the police)
ring your local women’s aid today .
you can do this - good luck .

The key words are bruises & unhappy
Escalating violence

Everything thing else is fluff eg Christmas stockings

File for divorce asap
You need to protect yourself & your children

Potentially you or your child will not have another Xmas

Contact Womens Aid for help

Contact local police about violence

Your kid doesn’t feel safe. That alone is reason enough. Given the rest of his behaviour, I can’t think of any reasons to stay.

You should have reported every incident to the police becsuse you need evidence. Do you want him to have 50% custody? There is no reported evidence to stop it.
You need to get your children out of this situation immediately.
He won't get a job so what are you waiting for? Your children need you to act now. They don't have anyone else to protect them.

No you can't. I tried that and the court didn't believe me.

I’d also second reporting to the police incase he gets any custody of them and would then be alone with them.
you've already said how he is with them and your child has told you as well.
You need to sort it for their sake it’s not fair on them.

That's a very long post to say your DH is an abuser. You need to leave him. You have a duty to protect your DC.

Thanks for sharing your personal insight.
So what did you do?

My mother called me downstairs one day when I was 4 and told me to go and get my two favourite toys. She had already packed a tartan shopping trolley with some clothes for both of us. We fled as my abusive alcoholic father was out and stayed in a safe house for six weeks. It was this time of year and I was almost due to start school.

School were brilliant and understood completely (I delayed starting school)
I was listened to and my feelings were taken into consideration (yes, even at just 4)
Police and social services helped protect us
My mothers solicitor was bloody amazing.

I recently thanked my mother for getting us the hell out of there all those years ago. To be honest, we wouldn't have a relationship now if she'd stayed

Plus, there's the possibility that myself or her would not be alive to tell this tale if she had stayed.

There is no benefit to staying. The risk isn't worth it. Pack and go, now, like we did. Mulling it over or leaving it till x, y, z isn't an option.

Believe me.

Do not wait for him to have a job. Let your children see you are trying to protect them from this vile man.
start making plans. See a solicitor.

I think the fact he’s making you miserable and displays unacceptable behaviour to your kids is enough OP - like you I kind of felt there had to be a definitive reason ( I’m still married) but have realised that if your marriage is 70% ok but 30% a bit shit it makes you unhappy - that’s not ok and he’s clearly not happy either or wouldn’t behave like this

@JohnDenver - hope you’re ok. In answer to your question, no I haven’t - because I’ve had a long and broadly happy marriage with a DH who in recent years has become more irritable and grumpy (sometimes).

That’s bad enough for me, and if he can’t change his own behaviour then in time it will be over.

To re-iterate, if he was ever physically aggressive to me or my kids, the marriage would be instantly over. Instantly. I could never, ever recover from that - and nor should you, nor should anyone.

Some couple can and do work through things that for many would be a line in the sand - infidelity, alcoholism, different politics. I’ve seen that among my friends - things I couldn’t recover from in a relationship personally, but we are all different. However, the ONE absolute line in the sand for any woman has to be physical violence.

Get out. Stop endangering your lives.

This isn’t going to get better.

Is this for real ?

get out and keep you and your kids safe - priority. Pull your socks up and leave.

women’s aid I believe will be able to advise

if he is ill the onus is then on him to get himself to the doctors and mended and until that happens your children are safe

Have you got any family anywhere. As soon as I found out if my daughter was in this situation I would do anything to get her out of that situation and then sort out everything afterwards.
You and your children are not safe.
Is your 4 year old at school yet.

My mum stayed with my step dad who assaulted me when I was a teenager. I wish I’d rung the police.
You need to protect your child.

LEAVE HIM! LEAVE HIM, LEAVE HIM, LEAVE HIM!