Dumped/ghosted by friends

[RH2025]

Hi All…after some friendly advice/hand holding please…

I’ve lived in the same area for 9 or so years. In that time made friends with the neighbours early on (kids same age and socialised), made a really great, close, I assumed life-long friend through DDs nursery, made mum friends through the school. I split with DH, stayed in the area and hosted parties for groups of the mums, Xmas do every year. Had Halloween dos and street-parties with new neighbours. Thought I had a great network and social life.

Met new DP about 3 years ago. He is delightful, kids adore him and love him to bits but he is, I strongly suspect, ND and v awkward socially. I’m not sure if that’s anything to do with the fact that (I hope not as he doesn’t deserve it) that I now have no-one around here to call a mate, aside from one person (and I’m excluded from a lot of things she does socially that I would have previously been invited to). The mums I thought were mates and all came to the parties - formed their own cliques and I don’t get any invites. Stopped trying to forge friendships with some that I thought I had connections with. The friend I thought was lifelong? Slow fade since Feb despite my trying, and heard nothing from her in the hols. I’m really hurt.

Whats worse - some of these mums have made really good friends with our new next-door neighbour (seems lovely, invited her for coffee and we were invited there a few times, tried to resurrect something but last invite she swerved and nothing since) and I hear them hanging out at hers - with their kids too, who are in the same class as my DD - life-longer is one of them. So I hear them all socialising and so does my DD, no invite for us.

No big fall out, I always try to be kind, been told I’m funny by lots, just seems I can’t keep a friendship. I must be in the wrong here, just don’t know what I’m doing. Feel lonely and sad, and sad for my kids too when she sees her friends mums organising dates and things for her classmates.

Compounded by my sister stopping contact with me with no explanation early this year (she’s always been a tricky one).

never felt so lonely. I don’t want a quiet alone life, but I’m so tired of trying and feel a bit useless and used. Feel a bit of a failure. I’ve a birthday coming up and I’m dreading the lack of celebration with friends like there used to be (not saying I deserve one!)

any advice on what I might be doing wrong would be welcome 🙂

I would rack my brains and maybe write out a timeline to see if I could spot clues. Check myself for annoying habits. Failing that, be brave and ask one of them, telling them you’re starting to feel really upset about it.

I could never leave someone out like that, especially when they’re over the fence. Maybe they’re just not very nice people. Are you a people pleaser?

Has someone been shit stirring? About you or do?

Is your DP local or has he lived there for a long time? He might have some kind of reputation that the others know about but you don’t. Or could your DD inadvertently done something to one of the kids?

I would have had to ask my friends what’s going on and I would tell them to be 100% honest. You have nothing to lose now.

That’s so upsetting. You almost don’t have much to lose so it’s worth being proactive to find out more to check if there has been a misunderstanding/ rumour you could address?

Does it link to the marriage break up? Were they couple friends? Have you pissed off a main person in the group? Do you listen? Do you ask people about themselves?

I observed this happen actually. Mum A went to an event with a sub group that mum B would have gone to but couldn’t as was doing something else. Mum A then kept the subgroup going separate WhatsApp invites for that sub group and other events. Mum B was firmly left out of it. Mum B was quite pissed off and hurt that the fact she missed one event meant she was now booted out of the class mum group.

But mum B is a lynch pin and very well liked. Mum B stopped inviting mum A to anything in return. Mum A subgroup fizzled out. I see mum A individually but mum B is somehow key and feels no obligation to invite mum A to anything so Mum A has sort of dropped off the radar. This has happened gradually over the course of years.

I found a great network of friends when I split with ex dh. I thought we were lifers. But when I meet dh I was gradually faded out. Some I think preferred me single. Others had also met people and made their social life around their dp.
i also found that the school mum group didn’t last once some went back to work. It broke off into smaller groups and I wasn’t apart of any with first dc. I made sure I was with second dc and stayed friends with a couple people.

Thanks for the responses so far all 🙂
New DP moved to this area from outside for me, so no rep or anything.

not sure if anyone stirring, I know it can all be a bit gossipy…I’ve reflected and not done anything I can think of, I am quite “bubbly” (or at least I used to be) and open - maybe I’m an oversharer? Too much? But I’m always happy to listen to and be there for others and always have been. Always actively involved in helping with school and class events etc. My DD has some ND issues and so perhaps it’s that? But all v mild and she’s done so well bless her.
when other mums have reported issues with their kids not fitting in or being picked on etc I’ve asked them and their kids round for wine/coffee and to play to offer support (hate the idea of a kid feeling left out). Just doesn’t come the other way.

im juggling work and kids being off at the moment, how id love a few mum mates/comrades to do childcare shifts with and all look out for each other 🙂

I did ask lifer if id done something to hurt or offend - was a very gentle message - she just said no just busy and let’s catch up soon but nothing further. Weird now I see/hear her out and about with others all the time 😔 she’s obviously every right to and need to respect that she’s done but it bladdy hurts.

Gosh female friendships can be gnarly! Maybe I’ve just never quite got the hang of them 😕

Not sure it’s just female friendships. If you don’t include someone then they won’t include you back.

If it’s not your partner and you haven’t changed then it’s your child. Their children don’t want to play with your child?

Do you think that’s a possible reason?

Try to pin point WHEN they all started to pull away

I think that's critical

Was it when your new neighbour arrived? When they got to know your new partner? When you had words with one of them? When your daughter had a bit of an argument with one of the children?

True. I’ve always tried to be really inclusive so il
not sure.

Yes me too. It’s the best policy.

Possibly.
Poor kid. All she wants is to be liked!

It seems to have been just a gradual fading over the past few years. Definitely with some it’s been new partner being on the scene. With others…not so sure.

Someone upthread suggested they may have preferred you single. Irrational yes, but it’s a possibility. Is there some jealousy?

Two things seem to be happening here.

As children grow older they become more vocal about friendships and quite rightly will choose who they want to see. It’s very likely the children in your groups have formed friendships and these get together are to facilitate their friendships, so not intended to leave you out. Whilst you say your dd just wants to be liked, what is preventing that? How is she with other children?

It might be that it has become hard work for other people, and most will choose the easier option.

One of my closest friends has a ND dd and I found it so hard as she grips on to my dd, and my dd hates it. In the end it caused an issue, as I wanted to see my friend alone, as I didn’t want to put my dd through the stress each time. Why not see if your friends are willing to meet without the children going forward? Then you will have your answer if they still want to see you - but the children have grown away from each other.

This happens naturally anyway op. With or without ND. Young dc all play together, but things do change as they become older.

In your place I would start to develop independent friendships that do not involve your dd. Join a book club and other clubs to meet new people. Help your dd develop her own networks and keep the two separate. Dd needs her own friends and tribe. You need yours. Keep it simple.

Thanks so much - the catch-ups suggested have definitely been both with and without children so I don’t think it’s just that. Think it’s me and just not my DD.

also, and this may be a stretch - if I had a really good friend with a ND child I would still make sure that we did child catch ups from time to time to ensure that both she and her little one felt included. It can be a really lonely place dealing with ND issues. But I know it’s not always easy on others 🙂

I will try re clubs etc but I’m a bit wary now of forming new friendships being honest, in case this happens again. I know I’m not helping myself with that attitude so I’ll do some work on that.

I’m not sure - I’d never even thought of that tbh.

I had to stop the child meet ups as she was hurting my dd, and my friend wasn’t able to stop it. It did cause tension and I obv can’t put my own dc through that to keep her happy. I am sure your situation is different.

Have you changed op? Have you stopped the parties? If your dp doesn’t like them. Have you dropped your contact? I doubt it’s you as a person, as I think the issues would have arisen before now. I wonder if you have adjusted your life to suit your dp?

Thanks for the follow up 🙂 I did stop the parties as I realised that there was nothing coming back the other way after years of it and the group seemed to be splintering… not that that’s the only reason I did it, to get invites back, but it became obvious that no one was really bothered so I stopped.
yes DP is really quiet and struggles socially which makes it harder 😕 he’s so nice though! Maybe people aren’t bothered by that and want someone outgoing. I feel sad at the thought that my choice of partner means that my life will be so much quieter now, that’s my fault I guess 😔

That could well be it I think if that is the only thing that has changed. People who are very quiet are often seen as stand-offish and unfriendly even when they don't mean to be. As unfair as it is, he might make people feel uncomfortable.

I've found this since new DP.

Part.of it is definitely down to changes in me. I used to be the one who was always available and now I sometimes prioritise things I'm doing with him.

I think also, since I don't "need" them in the same way, I'm less inclined to put up with things I don't even notice were off before, like plans always revolving around what they wanted to do.

This has happened to me so many times if we the year too. I just never seem to get to that stage where I’m integral in someone else’s life, so that they reach out and think to include me. I have tried over the years issuing invites but never gets reciprocated and you do give
up eventually. I think I’m just not as likeable or as fun as other people. People where we’ve been friends as a group are still close friends but without me and my family. You get to the point you just want to give up but I want my children to have friendships they value. It’s definitely me though, I’m socially awkward too, can’t change though - have tried many times and failed!

From what you say, it sounds clear enough.

You stopped organising parties and you're now in a couple with someone who 'struggles socially'.

People were used to you being the instigator, and then you stopped, and people instigated different things that didn't include you. And they don't want to be around your partner, if his social struggles are obvious to the point where he'd visibly rather be having a root canal with no anaesthetic than be socialising.

Try seeing if there are ND mum and children groups in your area. It could make all the difference for your child.

I'm ND too that's why I thought I'd mention it. I'm not sure if it's you but you sound pretty self aware so it might not be.

Could be one person badmouthing. That's all it take sometimes unfortunately. :(