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RH2025 · 2025-08-12T03:52:04+00:00

Hi All…after some friendly advice/hand holding please… I’ve lived in the same area for 9 or so years. In that time made friends with the neighbours early on (kids same age and socialised), made a really great, close, I assumed life-long friend through DDs nursery, made mum friends through the school. I split with DH, stayed in the area and hosted parties for groups of the mums, Xmas do every year. Had Halloween dos and street-parties with new neighbours. Thought I had a great network and social life. Met new DP about 3 years ago. He is delightful, kids adore him and love him to bits but he is, I strongly suspect, ND and v awkward socially. I’m not sure if that’s anything to do with the fact that (I hope not as he doesn’t deserve it) that I now have no-one around here to call a mate, aside from one person (and I’m excluded from a lot of things she does socially that I would have previously been invited to). The mums I thought were mates and all came to the parties - formed their own cliques and I don’t get any invites. Stopped trying to forge friendships with some that I thought I had connections with. The friend I thought was lifelong? Slow fade since Feb despite my trying, and heard nothing from her in the hols. I’m really hurt. Whats worse - some of these mums have made really good friends with our new next-door neighbour (seems lovely, invited her for coffee and we were invited there a few times, tried to resurrect something but last invite she swerved and nothing since) and I hear them hanging out at hers - with their kids too, who are in the same class as my DD - life-longer is one of them. So I hear them all socialising and so does my DD, no invite for us. No big fall out, I always try to be kind, been told I’m funny by lots, just seems I can’t keep a friendship. I must be in the wrong here, just don’t know what I’m doing. Feel lonely and sad, and sad for my kids too when she sees her friends mums organising dates and things for her classmates. Compounded by my sister stopping contact with me with no explanation early this year (she’s always been a tricky one). never felt so lonely. I don’t want a quiet alone life, but I’m so tired of trying and feel a bit useless and used. Feel a bit of a failure. I’ve a birthday coming up and I’m dreading the lack of celebration with friends like there used to be (not saying I deserve one!) any advice on what I might be doing wrong would be welcome 🙂

Original poster

RH2025 · 12/08/2025 13:36

HeroicFailure · 12/08/2025 13:05

From what you say, it sounds clear enough.

You stopped organising parties and you're now in a couple with someone who 'struggles socially'.

People were used to you being the instigator, and then you stopped, and people instigated different things that didn't include you. And they don't want to be around your partner, if his social struggles are obvious to the point where he'd visibly rather be having a root canal with no anaesthetic than be socialising.

Thanks - I think that’s it isn’t it, as soon as I stopped instigating, I was left out 🙂 that stings a bit.
Feel sad if that’s it with my partner, he’s so kind and fun with us.

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Original poster

RH2025 · 12/08/2025 13:38

Facecream24 · 12/08/2025 12:55

This has happened to me so many times if we the year too. I just never seem to get to that stage where I’m integral in someone else’s life, so that they reach out and think to include me. I have tried over the years issuing invites but never gets reciprocated and you do give
up eventually. I think I’m just not as likeable or as fun as other people. People where we’ve been friends as a group are still close friends but without me and my family. You get to the point you just want to give up but I want my children to have friendships they value. It’s definitely me though, I’m socially awkward too, can’t change though - have tried many times and failed!

Thanks for taking the time to reply and I’m sorry you have experienced this.

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Melonjuice · 12/08/2025 13:56

Hi are u sure you didn’t assume u were all great friends from the start ? Often when you are really bubbly and into everyone u can often miss cues and assume everyone is really great friends with you and really they weren’t really great friends to begin with- and it was you milling around them rather than the other way round- and now everything has naturally fizzled out as you’ve must’ve been spending lots of time with your new partner when you met him. My best friend is extremely bubbly. She does over share and can be a bit manic at times, so sometimes I do hold back from seeing her as it can be a bit much but I would never ghost her and I’m there for her a lot, however these people aren’t your best friends they are neighbours and women from mum groups . Friends in Mum’s groups naturally fizzle out as the children get older anyway.
it could be that people were already in their cliques and already had their good friendships and you just didn’t notice it- and also the fact that you were single at the time -it does matter, some friendship groups don’t like the fact that someone has a partner, weird but true
I wouldn’t feel hurt by this although it’s a bit of a bummer why would you want to be friends with people like that anyway? Just do you socialise with your partner? Go out and have a nice dates and do things with your daughter. At first I was inclined to say why don’t you ask them what the issue is but I doubt anyone would say there is a specific issue. It’s just that things naturally fizzle out and people go into their own groups and I wouldn’t even worry about it draw a line underneath them move on and you’ll definitely make more friends
most people don’t have more than one or two good friends anyway, so it’s likely the groups you are seeing aren’t great friends in themselves so don’t look into it too much

HeroicFailure · 12/08/2025 14:01

RH2025 · 12/08/2025 13:36

Thanks - I think that’s it isn’t it, as soon as I stopped instigating, I was left out 🙂 that stings a bit.
Feel sad if that’s it with my partner, he’s so kind and fun with us.

Show quote history

If that sounds right to you, I'd sit with it a bit and not blame other people too much. I'm not an instigator at all, for instance, and there are certainly friendships groups I'm a part of which would probably fall apart, or crumble into individuals who live close to one another continuing to see one another, were it not for a key instigator. I don't think it means that these friendships aren't real, only that people can fall into habits of instigating or not instigating, and someone switching roles can mean things stop.

I'd think in your shoes about whether throwing the odd party again would benefit you more than it would cost you.

Also, if your partner is the problem, see your friends without him? He presumably doesn't want to socialise with them...?

Original poster

RH2025 · 12/08/2025 18:53

HeroicFailure · 12/08/2025 14:01

If that sounds right to you, I'd sit with it a bit and not blame other people too much. I'm not an instigator at all, for instance, and there are certainly friendships groups I'm a part of which would probably fall apart, or crumble into individuals who live close to one another continuing to see one another, were it not for a key instigator. I don't think it means that these friendships aren't real, only that people can fall into habits of instigating or not instigating, and someone switching roles can mean things stop.

I'd think in your shoes about whether throwing the odd party again would benefit you more than it would cost you.

Also, if your partner is the problem, see your friends without him? He presumably doesn't want to socialise with them...?

Show quote history

Thanks for the advice.
yes socialising alone might be the go, rules us out of couple stuff though 😕
I do take the point re instigating but they clearly can instigate with others - just not me!
I’ll just have to adjust. I’m sure the sting will fade 🙂

OP posts:

Original poster

RH2025 · 12/08/2025 19:33

Melonjuice · 12/08/2025 13:56

Hi are u sure you didn’t assume u were all great friends from the start ? Often when you are really bubbly and into everyone u can often miss cues and assume everyone is really great friends with you and really they weren’t really great friends to begin with- and it was you milling around them rather than the other way round- and now everything has naturally fizzled out as you’ve must’ve been spending lots of time with your new partner when you met him. My best friend is extremely bubbly. She does over share and can be a bit manic at times, so sometimes I do hold back from seeing her as it can be a bit much but I would never ghost her and I’m there for her a lot, however these people aren’t your best friends they are neighbours and women from mum groups . Friends in Mum’s groups naturally fizzle out as the children get older anyway.
it could be that people were already in their cliques and already had their good friendships and you just didn’t notice it- and also the fact that you were single at the time -it does matter, some friendship groups don’t like the fact that someone has a partner, weird but true
I wouldn’t feel hurt by this although it’s a bit of a bummer why would you want to be friends with people like that anyway? Just do you socialise with your partner? Go out and have a nice dates and do things with your daughter. At first I was inclined to say why don’t you ask them what the issue is but I doubt anyone would say there is a specific issue. It’s just that things naturally fizzle out and people go into their own groups and I wouldn’t even worry about it draw a line underneath them move on and you’ll definitely make more friends
most people don’t have more than one or two good friends anyway, so it’s likely the groups you are seeing aren’t great friends in themselves so don’t look into it too much

Edited

Great advice - thank you ☺️

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StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 12/08/2025 20:11

Is there any chance you might be a bit Neuro spicy yourself? DD is ND, you describe DP as quiet and struggles socially but is fun and kind with you two. Quite often ND people flock together.

Original poster

RH2025 · 15/08/2025 01:10

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 12/08/2025 20:11

Is there any chance you might be a bit Neuro spicy yourself? DD is ND, you describe DP as quiet and struggles socially but is fun and kind with you two. Quite often ND people flock together.

Hey, I don’t know! Not diagnosed but maybe. Might be a reason why I find it hard to keep friends despite putting a lot of effort in.

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JimmyGiraffe · 15/08/2025 07:57

HeroicFailure · 12/08/2025 13:05

From what you say, it sounds clear enough.

You stopped organising parties and you're now in a couple with someone who 'struggles socially'.

People were used to you being the instigator, and then you stopped, and people instigated different things that didn't include you. And they don't want to be around your partner, if his social struggles are obvious to the point where he'd visibly rather be having a root canal with no anaesthetic than be socialising.

Sadly, I think this may be correct

VeryLightToast · 15/08/2025 08:27

RH2025 · 12/08/2025 18:53

Thanks for the advice.
yes socialising alone might be the go, rules us out of couple stuff though 😕
I do take the point re instigating but they clearly can instigate with others - just not me!
I’ll just have to adjust. I’m sure the sting will fade 🙂

Show quote history

But surely you wouldn’t want to drag your partner out to ‘couples stuff’ when he doesn’t enjoy it? Surely there’s no issue with you not being accompanied by a man?

Original poster

RH2025 · 15/08/2025 10:05

VeryLightToast · 15/08/2025 08:27

But surely you wouldn’t want to drag your partner out to ‘couples stuff’ when he doesn’t enjoy it? Surely there’s no issue with you not being accompanied by a man?

Show quote history

Hi there - no I wouldn’t drag him and I wouldn’t want him to feel uncomfortable, however the invites tend to be lesser for events where it’s only couples. I’ve found I don’t tend to be invited anymore.

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