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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this normal behaviour from mother in law?

32 replies

EvePearl · 12/08/2025 04:40

We live round the corner from my in laws. We have 3 young boys. Husbands brother from few hours away with their 2 kids came to stay with in laws. I didn't have a single message or call from mil the whole time they were here.
husbands brother and his wife and kids came to ours to meet new baby and to catch up but wouldn't eat anything at ours because husbands mother was making brunch . We hadn't been invited, they'd done dinners and caught up with other sister at their parents- we weren't invited to a single thing.
as soon as they're gone mil messages me to ask me if I need any help with the boys this week. Do I just reply and say thank you and be glad of help or do I say something about not being invited to a anything?
thud happens whenever their up - dinners to Ivy we weren't invited to in the past etc
my family is very inclusive so not sure how to manage this
any help much appreciated

OP posts:

FluffyWabbit · 12/08/2025 04:47

You can just mention that it would have been nice to have a get together with everyone in the same spot, like a BBQ or something, and see how she responds.

There might have been a reason she didn't invite you like she wasn't sure you weren't busy yourself, too many people in her house all at once, wanted to spend time with them because you live so near and they don't...etc.

I always find it helps to give others the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions but asking the person so I don't create scenarios in my head to get mad about which might not even be true!

Squishymallows · 12/08/2025 04:49

I think it’s likely she wouldn’t have wanted that many people to cater for and finds it more comfortable to keep it to small numbers. Plus she knew you were seeing them at yours etc. And she sees you regularly whereas these family are from far away

Original poster

EvePearl · 12/08/2025 04:50

Yeah agree with all that but we're never invited round for brunch or dinner or anything. Once a year we are for husband birthday. Their house is very big they have lots of space.
mil will pop here for 20 mins to watch the baby monitor if he's sleeping whilst I've done school runs but then she's swiftly gone once in back- doesn't ever stay for a chat of cup of tea
never does anything with our boys
just not sure if any point even saying anything ? But find it fake to reply all friendly

OP posts:

FluffyWabbit · 12/08/2025 04:52

EvePearl · 12/08/2025 04:50

I don't think it's fake to reply to the question. It's separate to your question about being excluded and it's a good will gesture from her.

I think it's best to just casually mention you thought the weather was nice this week and, next time they're around, maybe you could all get together for a drink or BBQ or something and see if she offers a reason for not inviting you this time.

Nessiesfoodprovider · 12/08/2025 08:24

For some reason she's putting you in separate compartments. I'd not rock the boat, just be polite and friendly, don't suddenly change and let her know that she got to you.
If you need help this week, accept it, otherwise maybe just suggest going to the park one afternoon and leave it at that?

Dearg · 12/08/2025 08:29

What does your DH think? To be honest if anyone were to say anything to her it should be him.

I don’t suppose she means anything by it, she probably thought DH & his brother would make their own plans.

As to not eating at hers, do you invite her to yours?

MounjaroMounjaro · 12/08/2025 08:33

Is your husband hurt by her behaviour? If so I would have to tell her that.

RandomMess · 12/08/2025 08:35

Discuss it with your DH and leave it up to him to say something or not.

NewBlueNoteBook · 12/08/2025 08:39

My brother lives hundreds of miles away. I live round the corner from my parents.

When my brother and his family come to stay with my parents we mostly leave them in peace because their kids have a lot less time with their grandparents so deserve some one to one time.

We do usually invite everyone (brother, family and parents) over to ours at some point for a meal or organise a day out all together.

Original poster

EvePearl · 12/08/2025 09:09

Dh is used to it. At Xmas they all went for dinner at the Ivy and didn't ask us either. No never have them here to eat as they won't eat early with young kids and won't even have a glass of water of cup of tea In our house - I'm constantly offering! They're not the norm ! More of a run in and run out ! Only interested in going to fancy places 🤣
this is all so helpful though thank you all!

OP posts:

Original poster

EvePearl · 12/08/2025 09:13

Also we live round the corner and mil is constantly asking husband what she can buy our kids - he always says they don't need anything and would love to spend time with you- take them to playground or do some baking with them - anything ! Fil more interested in scrolling Facebook. But when the sister who lives a few hours away they plan child friendly days out etc - it's odd !

OP posts:

RandomMess · 12/08/2025 09:14

I think you will find DH sibling is the golden child and he is the scapegoat. It’s pure and simple favouritism.

ACatNamedRobin · 12/08/2025 09:16

Can you not invite them for dinner at a later time in the evening - after the kids have eaten and gone to bed?

Robertsmithsnan · 12/08/2025 09:19

You are too available, you live beside them. There is no novelty factor.

FrenchandSaunders · 12/08/2025 09:22

Are your kids younger and still a bit feral, whereas the other grandkids are older? Did the other kids go to the Ivy?

user1492757084 · 12/08/2025 09:25

You could start having a meal later once a month and inviting inlaws over at adult times.
They would have been sparing you, with your new baby, this visit I think.
You could also ask one of your nieces or nephews over for a play date. Invite BIL and family over for tea and cake and a walk to local playground etc.

It should come from you that you would like more interaction.
Suggest to BIL that he arranges a BBQ with everyone together for one lunch time during his week long stay.

If it is just a weekend then I can see why they are just visiting each other. Could you invite BIL and family to your place for a weekend?
Maybe when your children are a little older the PIL will interact more in a way that you appreciate.

Rusalina · 12/08/2025 09:37

You have a MIL who lives close by and is happy to provide childcare? Definitely do not rock the boat!!

I lived a few hours away from one of my grandparents, and I always felt quite sad when we visited as all my cousins who lived nearby would be there and they clearly had a closer relationship with my grandmother than I did. I remember feeling very out of place. I wonder if your MIL is conscious of that kind of dynamic - I know I will be if I’m ever the grandmother in that type of situation.

Other explanations could be that she thought you’d find it stressful with a new baby? Or maybe she thinks you’re close enough that you’re almost above that type of thing. I know that the family members I’m closest to, both distance-wise and emotionally, we have much more of a “popping by” kind of relationship. The ones I’m not so close to, I would be more intentional and invite them for lunch or something. I value the “just calling by” relationships much more, but I see them so often it would feel odd and overly formal to invite them for lunch!

Alternatively maybe she’s just one of those people who is very one-track-minded, and just simply can’t focus on more than one thing or person at a time so has to compartmentalise. I’ve met many people like that.

My advice is pick a benign explanation and quietly accept it - you will feel happier for it and your life will be easier if you don’t rock your childcare boat.

Original poster

EvePearl · 12/08/2025 09:47

@RandomMessyes exactly this!! How do I manage it though as the daughter in law? If this was a "friend" we'd no longer be friends! I hate fake relationships- but how do I manage it with the mil? I currently just ask her for the odd bit of help here or there - but as 3rd baby gets older I won't even need the help. Husband so busy with running a business he doesn't care tbh!

@ACatNamedRobinmil has eating issues and would never eat a meal in our house ! She also looks at our house as it it's filthy and disgusting because it's a bit messy with 3 kids! We have cleaners twice a week - it's very clean ! Also my family live an hour away and are all happy to stay for the day and will have lunch with us all muck in very informal - in laws it's all very airs and graces 🤣🤣

@FrenchandSaundershaha hilar yes ours are totally feral - in a good way! Yes the other kids went to the ivy! Their youngest is the age of our eldest - so yeah all older

OP posts:

Original poster

EvePearl · 12/08/2025 09:47

This is all making me feel better getting it all out in the open to strangers on mumsnet! Thank you all!! Xx

OP posts:

Original poster

EvePearl · 12/08/2025 10:05

@RusalinaI wouldn't exactly say she provides childcare. Occasionally- once a week if the baby is napping she'll pop over for 20min whilst I've been doing school/camp pick up for the older two so I don't need to wake the baby up who loves to sleep! She then will literally see my other 2 kids for 2 mins and dash off ! She definitely prefers the further away grandkids ! She doesn't really like ours
but I like your way of looking at it ! Thank you ☺️

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2025 10:34

I wouldn't fall out with someone who will be very helpful with young kids, but it's ok to feel hurt

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2025 10:34

I also think squeezing in five extra people round the average dinner table
Is a bit difficult- your mil felt she had to feed the people she was hosting tho

Battels · 12/08/2025 10:40

I think you’re being a bit weird. You have an unproblematic relationship with PIL living close by who will step in when needed for childcare and not hang about. If your DH wants to see more of his parents, or for them to see more of the children, it’s up to him to arrange and facilitate.

Original poster

EvePearl · 12/08/2025 10:47

@Unexpectedlysinglemum mil has a massive house and dining table to seat 12 - she regularly hosts large dinner parties

@BattelsI wouldn't really call it childcare when it's the odd 20 mins here and there with 1 sleeping baby

OP posts:

NewBlueNoteBook · 12/08/2025 11:22

EvePearl · 12/08/2025 10:05

My brother and I were the less favoured grandchildren on one side. They weren’t unkind to us or anything but just not really that interested.

We have good relationships with our cousins who are lovely and tbh weren’t actually aware of the differences.

It didn’t really bother us but it did mean that we really value the relationship with our other grandparents.

I would advise staying civil and building separate relationships with your DH’s siblings and their children.

Meantime your parents will be the “favourite” grandparents.

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