DPs children have finally agreed to meet me - after over 3 years….

[Blushingm]

What’s the best way to make this as easy for all of us.

Eldest son has been very reluctant as he was afraid of he doesn’t like me then his dad will be upset or sad. He knows his dad is happy with me so thought if he didn’t met me then there wouldn’t be the problem of not liking me. But he’s agreed to at least meet me now.

DP’s youngest has always been open to meeting me but DP didn’t want one without the other.

He met my DS about 6 months ago and my DD about a year ago

Im really nervous as I really want him to like me - I want to make a good impression. Plus I don’t want it to be too awkward

DP has been divorced 4 years and I’ve been divorced for 9 years

How old are the children

How old are they?

I think you both need to take the stress out of the equation.

he doesn’t have to like you. Nor you him. At this stage it’s being civil, finding things in common, and building a relationship.

if you don’t get on it’s not the end of the world. You and your dp can do things separately. But hopefully the bond will grow.

unless they’re moving in with you and you have to get on take it slow, and accept that feelings are valid.

Keep it very short, neutral territory and ideally outside. No PDA between you and your partner. Hope it all goes well:)

Eldest is almost 16 and youngest almost 13

We’d like to live together but that’s a plan for at least 2 years time

My advice would be to meet them at an activity - like going to a zoo, or something. Then you're not all sitting round feeling weird.

@Charabancthats a good idea. At his house I think would be like invading.

Maybe bowling or food or something so there’s soMething to talk about - the food or my (genuinely) terrible bowling skills

I'd do a theme park... there's enough opportunities to chat between rides and doing something exciting that they really want to do might take the pressure off a bit because it's just a fun day out.

Bowling sounds good. Or mini golf. Low pressure and doesn’t last too long.

I was going to suggest theme park too.

Easy enough for them to go off and do their own thing as well if it gets too stifling (all kids together if they get on).

OP I went out for a meal recently and at the table next to us was a similar situation. Two pre/early teens meeting what appeared to be dad's new partner.

Honestly it was just so awkward that even we were cringing a little inside. They were obviously not too keen on tbe idea and she was trying to make small talk with them which was not going well.

So as others suggested, go out and do something. Don't sit at a restaurant or even the house where there isn't a good distraction. Go to a waterpark, theme park or the cinema even.

Do not try too hard to make them like you. Let it evolve organically. Meet, be nice and just see what happens. It feels like you’re putting way too much pressure on the meeting.

You may plan to live together in 2 years but it may not be the right time for the kids. It may be alevel/gcse years and you may just need to wait if that’s right for them.

good luck.

Think of it like introducing 2 new cats/dogs to each other. You do it for a short time only, on neutral territory, with plenty of other distracting stuff around. You manage expectations - after a first meeting no one is going to be best friends. At best, they just aren’t going to dislike you and would be open to doing it again. That would be an absolute win, so manage your thoughts/expectations and get to the second, third, fourth meetings, which is where better getting-to-know-you will happen.

Think also how you’d approach a first date - where you meet for a drink or a coffee for 30 mins. That’s what you are going for here. Too long together with new people is bound to go badly, so maximise chances of success by keeping it short.

So I’d suggest meeting at a short activity, better if it’s one they already love. Meeting for the movies and then an ice cream afterwards. A zoo or theme park (2 hours max - if they stay longer, say you have to go and leave them to it). The aim is to have a positive first impression, and pave the way for another meeting.

I’d say a theme park is too long and too extreme tbh. I’d agree with bowling - less pressure all round. The local bowling place has an all you can eat buffet place with it which I think would be perfect - short conversations about the food, always something to talk about, but not too many long patches at the table.

Just to say, I don’t think it’s as binary as liking you or not. Certainly not after 1 activity / meet up. It should be something that grows overtime - but agree with everyone. Do something fun, somewhere neutral. And I’d even say meet them there, and then leave them to go off for dinner with their dad afterwards. If they invite you for dinner (the children) then stay. But otherwise it might be nice for them to realise they can still have 121 time with their DF & that you are a bonus person in their life. Rather than replacing the relationship they had with their dad.

I would definitely suggest a "public" meeting like a theme park, bowling etc as lots less pressure! Easier for there to be gaps in the conversation without it being awkward like it could be if you are all sat in the living room in silence! Plus plenty of things about to be conversation starters.

Mainly though, just be yourself. Don't try too hard and if they say or do something that you don't agree with then dont just automatically let it slide so you can make a good impression. Obviously you don't go in hard and try and parent them but if you are for example against swearing then you need to decide if its something you just accept from them or gently nip in the bud that you don't like that behaviour around you/your children. Anything you let happen in the first few meets without saying anything is then much harder to deal with once you are over the initial trying to make a good impression, if you bring up I'd rather you didn't curse in front of me when they've been cursing in front of you for a couple of months it then just causes issues of hang on I thought this lady was cool why is she changing the goalposts?

I think crazy golf could be better than bowling. Something where you are slightly moving about. Bowling is quite a lot of sitting still.

Also like your zoo suggestion. You are on the move, new “thing” (animal) to talk about every so often. As you start walking off from each animal all your placements to each other will slightly change each time so you might get more chance talk with each child/your DP in a very natural way.

I think bowling’s a great shout.

or cinema as not much pressure to talk for long at the start, but an ice cream or fast food afterwards is low key and not too formal and the film would give everyone a shared topic to chat about.

I disagree about the theme park stuff, though agree about some sort of time limit. I think it is about having time to talk. Something like a picnic or barbecue, involving favourite food in a relaxing and/or beautiful spot.

I'd ask about school, hobbies, holidays etc. And yes, these are boring questions. But if the children aren't civil and reasonably well-behaved, there's a question about whether you want to have them in their future life.

Yes, the children may be ambivalent. But if you're nothing more than a target for their hostility and they can't be polite, it's better to know.

Crazy golf

They’re not going to meet you for the first time and magically fall in love with you and everything will be sunshine and rainbows. It will be a bumpy ride and will take time.

Don’t put pressure on it all. Meet them at a neutral place and somewhere they isn’t an intense sit down face to face situation like a meal. Do an activity where people can move and roam.

This relationship won’t form over night, give it time.

Run!

I would say that to a man or woman dating anybody with children.

You'll be expected to do pretty much everything the biological mother or father would do, and you'll get second best in return.

Not at that age surely?
My kids were similar ages when they met their Dad's girlfriend and she was never expected to do any sort of child care because they didn't need any from her.

That might be true. But you never know what you're getting into. So it's best not to lay yourself open to that risk in the first place.

There's a clear chance you'll be used. It's not worth a man or a woman taking that chance.

Unless all the children a grown up and fully independent. I am by that.I mean, they bought their own homes, my advice remains the same - run.

Personally I would have head for the hills two years ago.

The problem with the fact that they’ve only just agreed to meet you after three years and that you and your DP have gone along with it, is that they will forever be able to hold it over you. They know that if they don’t want to see you their father will support it. They’re old enough to make those choices, and you have no relationship with them.

Added to which your DP actively decided for three years to not introduce you to his youngest because of the eldest. Maybe if he’d agreed for the youngest to meet you when he was ready the eldest would have followed. But he didn’t. He’s left all the control up to his eldest, and IMO this will not end well.

Theme park is a terrible idea!