Brother must hate me

[citygirl77]

A couple of years ago, my brother stopped talking to me. Literally just cut me out of his life. He talks to other family members, but not me. I was very close to him and I genuinely don’t know what I could have done. If he told me, we could discuss it. This causes me great pain. He doesn’t visit my Father, but chats on the phone. I on the other hand do a lot for my Father, which is quite a burden in some ways. My Dad says my brother wants to preserve his mental health. This suggests I have done something, but I honestly have not. My brother is in his fifties.

Have you asked him?

Do your life choices give him a nosebleed? I think my own brother judges me fairly harshly for past mistakes that didn't involve him at all.

For a moment there I thought you could be my SIL, although she knows exactly why we are no contact with her, but pretends not to.

Given his reasons are to “preserve his mental health” I wonder if whatever it is he thinks you’ve done has been long term and would appear low level or even petty to an outsider looking in, but it’s built up over years and he can’t tolerate it any more.

My SIL subjected my DH to years of constant snide passive aggressive remarks and often outright nastiness disguised as “banter”, along with a healthy dose of shitstirring involving us and DH’s divorced parents. I could list plenty of stuff she said and did and individually each thing would look really petty and silly but 20+ years of it wore thin and one day after the last thing she did, DH finally had a lightbulb moment that he just didn’t have to put up with her any more.

What's your dad said when you asked why brother cut you off? Or your brother? There has to have been a conversation or something

It must be very painful but you can’t force someone to have a relationship with you. All you can do is to tell your father that you miss your brother and that you love him and if you knew what the issue was, maybe you could resolve it with him.

You mention you do a lot for your father and that it can be a burden, it is not clear what that has todo with the situation but you mentioned it for a reason.

I have phoned, I have messaged him and he hasn’t answered me….

I really hope I haven’t, I honestly don’t think I have. He always phoned me for advice and I was his sounding board. I have tried to think if I said anything, but can’t think of anything. I have always been the one to walk on eggshells around him.

Unfortunately you cannot force him to talk to you. If he has decided to go no contact you have to respect that. I miss my own brother but with everything that has happened I had to just let him get on with things and realise he will never want to sit down with me and talk things through which has totally ripped our family apart leaving me and my child with no family around us but this is my brothers choice. My mother did have a hand in a lot of it, she spread lies, created dramas, triangulated us but by the same token he also knows she is a chronic liar but still chooses to believe what she has said. It is sad when a family member you love chooses to walk away from you but as I have learned over the years you cannot force them to be in your life you just have to move on no matter how painful.

I live near my father and so I am obviously the one who does things for him. I am starting to feel hurt that my Dad talks about my brother, knowing he doesn’t speak to me. It’s all starting to get to me, although I haven’t told anyone this. By the way my brother hasn’t visited my Dad in all this time. It’s all playing on my mind I guess. I am annoyed….

I'm sure this is very tough on you. But your brother has made his decision and if he won't be an adult and tell you what's happened you need to focus on you, maybe some counselling to deal with it all? If it were me and I had no clue id ask my dad directly if you've already tried asking brother and if he doesn't know I'd last ditch write a letter to my brother to ask for reasons, chance of reconciliation etc or even to just encourage him to visit your dad and you'll stay out of the way. You've not said anything about conversation you and your dad have had directly on it, dies he knows why?

Thanks for this. I need to try and accept his decision and move on, but like you say, it rips the family apart. I am sorry you have gone through similar, I understand.

My Dad was very reluctant to get involved, but eventually I asked if he would ask my brother why he was not speaking to me. My brother just said he didn’t want to talk about it and was protecting his mental health. Obviously my Father has decided he wants to maintain his own relationship with my brother, despite him not visiting. My guess is my brother knows he is in line for an inheritance and doesn’t want to rock the boat.
I know my father’s money is being split equally and that is the best way. But I wish my Dad would try and make him see sense!

I had similar and like you it caused me pain and bewilderment. It changed my life and how I thought about myself. I never dared ask why though - so good for you. Just the commencement of a long era of shame with no answers.

Is it possible that, like me, you have been lied about to your brother. In my case I was supposed to have accused him of sexual abuse.

The person doing the lying was top dog in the family, I had been the target for lots of negative behaviour already, and sadly some ears were only too willing to listen.

No it can’t do. We are hard working, have never asked the family for anything. We always entertained them and were happy to do so . He is very privileged and has already retired, at the age of 52. If I had done anything I would want to put it right and talk about it…

I mean, my brother heard second hand that I had told others of abuse by him. I still get so fired up by it all me grammar goes.

The person doing the lying was absurdly jealous. Do you have anyone like that in your orbit?

The only person who might have encouraged anything is my sister in law, but I thought we got on well…

Now you have got me thinking, if there is anyone who could have lied, to hurt me. I hadn’t thought of that. Bloody families.

What does your brother do about Christmas? It's all very well him phoning his dad, but he's no practical help, is he? It's interesting that his major sulk gives him a lot more free time than you and the same amount of inheritance, isn't it?

If he wants to protect his mental health by not seeing you, then why can't he visit his dad when he knows you won't be there? Or would that be too much effort for him?

Could you speak to your sister in law? I wonder whether she's behind this lack of effort, too. I'm sure things would change for both of them if the inheritance was at risk.

He could easily visit my Dad. But he chooses not to. I obviously would not be there. My Dad is obviously not saying anything as he does not want to be hurt. So he avoids asking.
At Christmas we always have Dad, neither of my brothers entertain him. I clean his house every week and do his laundry, but I am happy to do that. We invite him to every special event. I would never leave him out, if we didn’t have him here, he would be on his own.

OP do not discuss this with your dad. Do not ask him to say anything to db. Tell your dad you do not want to talk about it. I’m wondering what benefit your dad gets from being the go between. It’s horrible to have to think about it but sometimes we get spun inside someone else’s narrative. You say you are stuck doing this and that for your dad, can he not use local cleaners? Who has told you that this is your role? And why would your dad feel hurt about your brothers reasoning? He’s an adult he must have heard all manner of stuff that isn’t great in his life? Or are you projecting and he just prefers to let things rumble along with you feeling confused and over functioning?

I think you have hit the nail on the head….
I need to do some thinking…..

My brother hates me. He has a huge chip on his shoulder and it has grown massively over the years, partly due to his wife but also one of my aunts, who was engaged in some passive aggressive fight with my mother and directed a lot of it at me.

Anyway, my dad died and though my parents left everything to both of us, he was the sole executor and he has used this to punish me. He got house cleaners in - he wouldn't go through their stuff, he cut off services, so I cant stay there for example.

So check out your situation.

My sister in law hated my Mum, but she died in covid. I wonder if she has caused some of the hatred, behind the scenes.
Sounds like you have had a terrible time too.
It actually makes me feel better that I am not the only one going through this.

My aunt originally had an ongoing battle with her mother in law, my grandmother. When my gran died she started on my mum and me, and she got her daughters, my cousins, involved too. I barely knew any of them as they live abroad and I was completely bewildered by what they were doing to me. My cousins are very friendly with my brother...it's like they split and always need an enemy.

You may find that your sister in law has turned her guns on you following your mother's death, sadly xx

I find it all really sad. Life is too short.

My guess is my brother knows he is in line for an inheritance and doesn’t want to rock the boat.

This sort of statement doesn’t imply a particularly good opinion of or sense of regard for your brother. It’s a bit of a shit thing to say about somebody else and their relationship with their parent, when you aren’t even in contact with them. Perhaps your brother is more aware than you think that you view him in this sort of way, and “preserving his mental health” is about not being around somebody who views him that way. Why, ultimately, are you so interested in a relationship with somebody you believe is only motivated to stay in touch with his father by an inheritance?