Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should my partner go away for a lads weekend?

36 replies

Mamashark96 · 11/08/2025 00:22

Hey,
I'm looking for some honest advice so I can make sure I'm not being unreasonable.
Just to quickly paint the picture, my partner and I have three kids. The oldest being 7 and the youngest is only 3 months old. I am on statutory mat leave. We are in the process of searching for a bigger house (buying our first property) which my parents are helping us afford. We are also planning a wedding for 2027.

My other half has a very active social life and I try to support this as much as possible.
Lately, he's being going about an hours drive away to watch his football team almost every week.
I by contrast only ever see "school mum friends" when at play dates.
My partner now wants to go abroad for three days at the end of the month to see his football team and because "all his friends are going."
Normally, this wouldn't be an issue to me.
Right now, however we are on a very tight budget. I don't allow me or the kids lunches out and we have worked hard to tighten our belts.
We have some very big commitments to plan for in the next few years.
I'm also anxious about being left for that amount of time unsupported with three kids, one who is a young baby.
I also fear this will look unreasonable to my parents who are helping us get on the property ladder and that this type of expense will seem reckless.
He is very disappointed and pleading with me as he says this is a rare opportunity.
What should I do?

OP posts:
Newname25 · 11/08/2025 00:26

He's being selfish and immature. When you are saving for a house sacrifices have to be made. Plenty ot time for matches abroad when you have your house and the kids are older!

MeganM3 · 11/08/2025 00:35

It’s not a good time for him to go. Unfortunately.
For some reason a lot of men think it’s their god given right to watch sport / go to matches / away for trips.
I don’t think it should be on you to say ‘no’ to something. Why should you be responsible for that decision and be the bad guy. Collected the financial info and the childcare info and suggest to him he looks at it all and makes an informed decision himself. You’re not there to police what he does and doesn’t do BUT respect must go both ways. How would he feel if you upped and went on a 3 day jolly with the family finances.

MyCatsAreFuckwits · 11/08/2025 00:42

Short term I would agree that he is being single minded regarding the away trip.

Long term this could work in your favour.
He will no doubt want his children to support his team and this may involve him taking all 3 to matches Giving you many years of peace on your own.

I say this as a female season ticket holder. 😁 My children are with me every home game!

Imbusytodaysorry · 11/08/2025 00:44

@Mamashark96 he is carrying on like he has no responsibilities.
You dont spend on you and the kids and he continues to spend like he is single . All the while your parents are helping buy a home for his kids .
Pretty much a piss take.
Id also start going out more yourself to equal his time away without kids .
Even just to spend time at your mums child free let him do bath and bed time and night feeds .

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 11/08/2025 00:48

I by contrast only ever see "school mum friends" when at play dates.

This needs to change. You can't just be a mum. You need an identity. He needs to rein in his socialising a bit so that you can also have a hobby.

99bottlesofkombucha · 11/08/2025 00:52

I would arrange to go out this week; I’d honestly have dinner and a movie on my own if that’s what it takes, and buy the kids lunch, then tell him how much you’ll be spending on doing this weekly since you can no longer be the only one making sacrifices and the net budget impact to the house purchase will be… tell him this has really brought it to a head and you are done making the sacrifices to care for your kids and save for a house when he doesn’t want to. Tell him your parents would still help you if you were single but they don’t want to throw money on a man who’s not actually that committed to this house buying lark.

99bottlesofkombucha · 11/08/2025 00:53

Sorry, I’d go out and leave him with the kids, and separately id buy them lunch to be clear: he’s a selfish dick.

Milliejacksonhouseforsale · 11/08/2025 01:07

I take its a European match so what happens if they go through to next round.

Athreedoorwardrobe · 11/08/2025 01:12

No. He's a twat.
That's ridiculous. Going abroad and leaving your wife with a 3 month old baby as well as other kids! Fuck that.
I'd be livid.

SunflowerTed · 11/08/2025 01:33

he will probably resent you if you put your foot down. He does seem like he is living a single life…. I don’t think I’d be happy about it given your current situation. I think I’d start getting a social life of your own too…

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/08/2025 01:38

I would be much more concerned re ' We are in the process of searching for a bigger house (buying our first property) which my parents are helping us afford.'

You and your parents need to make sure that every single penny they provide is accountable and protected if you break up - you are not even married yet.

So you need to involve a solicitor and perhaps an accountant ( re taxation implications etc. )

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2025 01:43

It’s all a mess. You already have three children without being married or owning a home. Which is insecure if you’re not on the same page financially. Your parents are helping you both buy your first home? Is their money ring-fenced?

Did you both sit down and make a budget, work out what your discretionary spending is, what everyone gets for free money and time? Or just muddle along.

There’s no point allowing or not allowing him. There is a point saying, ‘this has shown up a huge issue with time, money and commitment. We need to talk about joint goals’ and go from there.

AnonAnonmystery · 11/08/2025 04:42

Why do you supportive your partner having an active social life when you have a very young family ? His priority should be his familiy and not going to a weekly football match. I find the idea that he’s begging you quite childish - there is a name for a man like yours - a man-baby!

daisychain01 · 11/08/2025 05:01

I think you need to read back your own OP and ask yourself how massively unfair it is that you have 3 children for which your partner seems oblivious to that massive responsibility and meanwhile (your words) My other half has a very active social life and I try to support this as much as possible.

if you continue to support him and getting no consideration or support in return, you're making a rod for your own back for decades to come. He doesn't respect you, he is using money from the family budget for him, him, him and doesn't appear to care less that he is going away from his family for a jolly with his mates. That's fine if he's single, early 20s and no responsibilities but he's anything but. It's yet another example of a man who procreates kids but whose life doesn't change an iota because he's opted out of family life, while the woman's life is turned upside done.

DorothyStorm · 11/08/2025 05:11

daisychain01 · 11/08/2025 05:01

I think you need to read back your own OP and ask yourself how massively unfair it is that you have 3 children for which your partner seems oblivious to that massive responsibility and meanwhile (your words) My other half has a very active social life and I try to support this as much as possible.

if you continue to support him and getting no consideration or support in return, you're making a rod for your own back for decades to come. He doesn't respect you, he is using money from the family budget for him, him, him and doesn't appear to care less that he is going away from his family for a jolly with his mates. That's fine if he's single, early 20s and no responsibilities but he's anything but. It's yet another example of a man who procreates kids but whose life doesn't change an iota because he's opted out of family life, while the woman's life is turned upside done.

All.
of.
this.

He is being selfish. Weekly.

how much actual parenting does he do daily? Without you? What is he in charge of?

because from the op alone it sounds like you have an extra, albeit older, child. Not an equal adult emotionally or financially.

autienotnaughty · 11/08/2025 05:21

No if he can’t see that the house, kids and wedding are more important then let him sulk.

silverspringer · 11/08/2025 05:25

The trip itself wouldn’t bother me too much. It will be tough with 3 kids but you’d manage. But then I would be making sure I had my own time to myself too.

I wonder if he’s ever actually cared for all 3 by himself?

Financially, it’s stickier. If all available money is going into the house purchase then maybe the funds aren’t available for him to go on a jolly.
Is he making sacrifices? Does he spend a lot on his social life already? What about you OP, what do you get if you don’t even allow yourself a lunch out.

How long until you have enough for the house? It’s a worthwhile sacrifice of course but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to do. I agree with others that you need to ring fence your/your parents’ contribution to keep that safe.

Flatandhappy · 11/08/2025 05:43

He can’t afford it, plain and simple. The fact that he hasn’t worked this out for himself is worrying. It would also be absolutely taking the piss to swan off on a boys’ trip then accept financial help from your parents. Time for a conversation about priorities and shared goals.

Original poster
Mamashark96 · 11/08/2025 08:24

Thank you for all the advice. It's given me lots to think about and confirmed what I have been feeling.
I'm so caught up in the every day struggles it's hard to see the big picture sometimes.

OP posts:
TombsofAtuan · 11/08/2025 08:28

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 11/08/2025 00:48

I by contrast only ever see "school mum friends" when at play dates.

This needs to change. You can't just be a mum. You need an identity. He needs to rein in his socialising a bit so that you can also have a hobby.

Yes. Martyrs get no prizes. Go out and have a life, both for your own sake and to accustom your husband to being solo in charge of his own children.

AgentJohnson · 11/08/2025 09:20

You can’t support a selfish and entitled man, you can only enable them. Your ‘partner’ has come to expect (not appreciate) you facilitating his commitment to his social life. That sense of entitlement now extends to your parents because he should be making more of a contribution/sacrifice with regards to a future house purchase but doesn’t have to because your parents are doing so.

I would not be marrying this man and I certainly wouldn’t let my parents enable his entitlement and selfishness by ‘helping’ financially, for a man whose priority is himself.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear op but someone needs to stop you continuing to sleepwalk into a situation where you are prioritising someone who sees you as an option.

You and this man are not on the same page, if you were, you wouldn’t have started this thread. I understand that because it’s been like this for so long that it feels to hard to turn around but as long as you keep hoping and not expecting him to be better, he won’t.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 11/08/2025 09:32

Sod 'planning' a wedding for 2027, you need to get married in a registry office now. This man has not got your back and you need the legal rights of marriage to protect you.

Mumlaplomb · 11/08/2025 09:58

he sounds very selfish OP and I would think carefully about marrying him when your parents are gifting money to a house, as that may entitle him to half of that money.
put your foot down now otherwise as others have said you will end up with someone who expects you to have to life while they swan a about doing as they please.

DorothyStorm · 11/08/2025 10:00

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 11/08/2025 09:32

Sod 'planning' a wedding for 2027, you need to get married in a registry office now. This man has not got your back and you need the legal rights of marriage to protect you.

Protect her in what way? They hVe no assets and are renting. It is het parents contributing to their deposite.

what you must do is protect your parents contribution when buying.

Omgblueskys · 11/08/2025 10:07

Nope op he doesn't go,
Conversation with his friends ' oh mates would love too but couldn't go right now as saving for our home in-laws putting in, and wouldn't leave wife at home with the 3 little ones, if I could afford it I would be taking the wife away for a few days ' but you go and enjoy yourselves, catch ya next time,

Thats it op, not guilt tripping you into going, if I was the in-laws I would be fuming honestly, what spare cash if any goes on you and kids, nice day out, but not a bloody lads weekend away,