Struggling with loneliness

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

I am really struggling at the moment. I left my Ex-H about two years ago and we divorced. At the end the marriage was abusive. Whilst my life is better in so many ways, and everyone says how happy I look now, if you look under the surface, I am actually very lonely. I thought about dating and tried OLD, but it was awful. Part of me does not want to get back into a relationship again, but another part of me misses the companionship, being someone's person, and to have a person I can care for and support.

I have a group of wonderful friends, but I am the only single one. I don't mind my own company, but there are times, when I am on my own, that I feel like I cease to exist in the world. I thought about a pet, but I don't have the kind of job which really allows that. I have next week off work, and whilst I have plans for trips out etc, they will all be on my own. I am feeling very sad about that.

Has anyone else found any coping strategies? I know I can't have it both ways, so I need to learn to manage these feelings.

I am feeling this way too. My son has recently left home and I'm on my own. I'm filling the days looking for work and getting nothing back. I would like to start my own business it would give me something to do

What about getting back into a relationship that suits you? I have a friend who is in her 50s and her boyfriend lives a two hour drive away in a different county, they only see each other at weekends but they go off walking together, neither of them really want to progress the relationship beyond that and it suits them.

Or what about joining a community online that has similar interests to you? I've recently discovered Love her Wild, which is for women who love the outdoors and want someone to do outdoorsy things with.

@Ashley911 - It's awful isn't it? The physical and emotional silence is deafening. What sort of business would you start?

@thisisnthappeningreally - I would love a relationship like that, but I'm going to be lucky to find a partner. OLD was terrible, and I just don't meet any single me. It doesn't help that I have a 2 hour commute, so weekday activities are really hard to get to.

Love Her Wild sounds right up my street. I will take a look at that.

Coukd you join a meet up type walking group for something to do at the weekends? Or cycling or something?

@Myfansbroken - I do already do some of these things, I belong to a hobby group which meets once per week, and also see friends. Somehow it's deeper than that. It's coming home to an empty house, knowing that I am not the most important person to anyone else. Once the activity is over, I have no one to share the experience with, or someone who wants to share their day with me.

I know it sounds odd, I am struggling to explain what I mean... sorry :(

@Itisallgoingtobeok it is yes. I do have a kitten and he has helped me feel less alone to an extent but I think not living with someone just does feel so empty, and you end up getting bored just when there isn't anyone to talk to at all.

I am thinking of opening a school uniform shop on ebay, because when my son was young it was sometimes difficult to find what he needed in the right size. And I would also sell pre- used high quality and branded clothing. It would give me a reason to get out and about to the charity shops trying to find bargains

@Ashley911 your business idea sounds great. I listen to the radio a lot, for company. It doesn't come close to coming home to someone who is pleased to see me though. I really miss hugs too. I woke up in the night recently to find I was hugging myself. That's pretty sad isn't it?

@Itisallgoingtobeok I get it. It’s a peculiar thing to feel. On the surface I am very busy, I work six days a week, and belong to several groups outside of work, volunteer and have a lot of things to do meeting up with colleagues and friends either in a group, one to one or with their families. But there isn’t that special someone to have a coffee with, with whom it’s never too late or too early to have a chat, no one at home to share your day with, share the chores with, who just makes you a mug a tea because they think you need it. It really is being the most important person to one other person, rather than an “oh I wonder how she is, I suppose I’d better text at some point this week” person.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over the coming home and not being able to talk to dh about our respective days.

I take my hat off to you at being able to date - I wouldn’t know where to start!

@Itisallgoingtobeok I listen to the radio a lot too. It must just be your subconscious mind giving you what you are lacking when you are sleeping, or perhaps you had a forgotten dream about a relationship

I've been single several years now. I haven't wanted a relationship I always just concentrated on bringing up my son but I think now with him living away it might be a good time to be open to one. I have no idea how it will happen though. I'm not really one for going out and I hardly know anyone anyway to go out with. I have been approached in pubs by men but I can't think of any other way it would come about for me other than online dating

Yes I see what you are saying. I don't know much about dating sites but I know relatives have met people on Hinge. I have two siblings who've met new people in their fifties. One just got out and about, attended lots of meet up type things. The other met someone recently divorced through friends. It's entirely possible. But I guess less likely if you can't get out much due to work.

@Itisallgoingtobeok hugging yourself to sleep is a form of self soothing and I refuse to believe it’s “sad”. I hug myself in the shower…. and I ask friends for a hug all the time! We need human contact physically, socially and mentally. It’s hard wired in our species genetics.

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Would you consider fostering a child? I could make a big difference to someone's life. However you would probably need to change jobs

Thanks for being positive about my business idea, I am feeling like it is just giving me something I can actually plan out while I'm at the mercy of companies who don't want to hire me lol

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 - you have articulated it much better than I did. It's exactly how I feel. I don't have children either, so I am really and truly alone. You have made me feel better about the hugs. It hadn't occurred to me that I was self soothing, but you are right.

@Ashley911 - I think you should give your idea a go. I know what you mean about how to make finding a relationship happen without OLD. It's so awful though that I really don't want to carry on with it. I am going to have to keep my fingers crossed I meet Prince Charming in the fruit and veg aisle in my local Sainsburys.

@Myfansbroken - I am glad you know what I mean, sometime I think people will think it is daft when I have so many lovely friends. I had a decades long marriage, and whichever way you cut it, even though it ended really badly, a relationship that long leaves a deep and lasting mark. It's good to hear that it is possible to find someone without OLD. Maybe my luck will turn.

@Kosenrufugirl - Fostering is completely impractical for me. I would also be terrible at it.

Is there any animal sanctuaries nearby, you could help out with the abandoned animals on the weekends.

I have been wanting to do this after seeing cats in these on the tv stuck in little cells all day

Once you've found the right person with the same wish list as you these kinds of relationships are easy.
Finding the right person is the difficult part. Infinite patience is needed. But one day.......

I think helping animals that are abandoned or abused helps us as much as them. They too are lonely and wanting love, stroking them is very therapeutic and you find likeminded people there who are wanting to make a difference.

I found my current lovely man through OLD so there are some decent men on there. I'm mid 50s. There's no other way given my circumstances atm that I would have met anyone organically.

Have you thought about joining a gym.I used to go before an injury and met a lot of friends I wouldn't of met otherwise.
I joined a small hotel gym as more social than big chains

Something that can make a huge difference is having a friend circle of single women.
You may have great friends, but if they're all married with families they have litteraly no idea what you're going through and they can't even imagine. It's great to have friends who are also single and who know exactly what the tough times are. They know when to call or text more, they offer to spend important holidays together, they travel together.
Whereas with married friends they don't tend to have a lot of free time in the evenings and weekends, or they have to make arrangements for their family, and they certainly won't go on holiday with anyone other than their family.
Of course there are exceptions, but you get the general idea.

I would suggest you invest heavily in singles activities, hobbies, clubs, travel groups, ...
If at some point another relationship happens, great. If not, you'll at least have that sense of companionship. Not from a partner, but from a partner in crime so to speak.

I was very blunt on online dating as to what I wanted.

Basically, someone who is happy with their own life but would perhaps like a part time relationship. I got quite a few replies to that and after sifting out the sex hunters, I have ended up with a man who does his own thing much of the time, likes living in his own house but who also likes going to the pub/cinema/gigs etc….

We meet up once/twice a week and do stuff together including sex. It’s almost more than a friends with benefits situation but less than a full relationship.

Not for everyone but I love it.

Can I have a handhold please? I’m not sure why, but the loneliness is kicking in hard tonight. I’m under a duvet just sobbing at how alone I feel. I know it will pass, but it just feels awful today.