Struggling with loneliness

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

I am really struggling at the moment. I left my Ex-H about two years ago and we divorced. At the end the marriage was abusive. Whilst my life is better in so many ways, and everyone says how happy I look now, if you look under the surface, I am actually very lonely. I thought about dating and tried OLD, but it was awful. Part of me does not want to get back into a relationship again, but another part of me misses the companionship, being someone's person, and to have a person I can care for and support.

I have a group of wonderful friends, but I am the only single one. I don't mind my own company, but there are times, when I am on my own, that I feel like I cease to exist in the world. I thought about a pet, but I don't have the kind of job which really allows that. I have next week off work, and whilst I have plans for trips out etc, they will all be on my own. I am feeling very sad about that.

Has anyone else found any coping strategies? I know I can't have it both ways, so I need to learn to manage these feelings.

Handhold op. I can relate to your post a lot. Also divorced with two teen DDs. Been on my own 6 years now and early 40s. Have had some relationships during that time, but nothing that has worked or being mutually right. When I left my marriage I was so confident and thought I’d meet someone and be happy. Now I look back and wonder how I could’ve been so naive! It feels very hopeless now and I’d like to find a way to accept just being alone, but like you say, some days it’s so painful and hard. We are human and it’s natural to want company and to need social interaction/ physical touch/ conversations. I wish I had the answers or a magic wand, but I just don’t. Sometimes it just seems like luck or chance that people find someone.

@Thegrassroots26- thank you. It’s a terrible feeling isn’t it? I desperately need a hug tonight and there is nobody here. I think I I need to come to terms with this somehow. I don’t know how though.

It’s pants. (Substitute pants for a world of your choice!).
you aren’t alone, collectively we are sending you hugs. Just know that you are enough for yourself if you will allow yourself to unkind to yourself.
Now, think hard, what small things could you do to improve your immediate situation? I would go for plumping up my pillows and making sure I was comfortable in bed - maybe an extra blanket? Or my personal favourite a hot water bottle. Maybe a mug of tea, or a hot chocolate. Perhaps a book, although I do like a silly sitcom from channel 4 or a light hearted episode of bake off as i feel part of it commentating at the screen! Remember all feeling do pass (eventually) and tomorrow is another day. If funds and time allow, try to plan something you want to do for the future to look forward to. Maybe it’s visiting a local place, a wood, a coffee shop or maybe it’s something you want to do like visiting a snow dome or trying a crafty workshop.
These are things that help me when loneliness hits hard. I try to think of it as a game of cricket - I have a big bat and by heck I’m going to knock that ball of loneliness out the pitch …..after I’ve allowed myself an bit of time to sit with that ‘ball’ and acknowledge that maybe it’s something I can work on, but I can’t fix immediately.

I often experience it as just such a sad/grief sort of feeling like a broken heart. I think I’ve come to terms a bit more with the lack of physical contact. But that empty feeling and feeling very disconnected from the world can be strong at times. It does help when my kids are here, when they aren’t it’s much harder. I find hugging a pillow in bed or something helps.

Lovely advice here. Sometimes I’m my own worse enemy and don’t take steps that will help ease things.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 - that’s a great post, thank you. I’ve just opened the window so I can hear the outside world and don’t feel quite so disconnected.

@Thegrassroots26 - grief is a good way of putting it. That’s exactly how I feel. I don’t have children either, so it’s just me. That feeling of disconnection is so hard.

Sending you a hug OP. I get it.

I found a somatic counsellor (so talking therapy) who really helped me find love and self sufficiency in myself. It’s really helped at times when I feel alone. I wonder if that might appeal to you? It also gives the opportunity to feel really seen and understood by someone.

Doing an online meditation might be helpful too… just one off YouTube.

Hope you feel less alone

@AnotherNaCha - I’m having therapy and it has helped, just tonight seems to be really difficult. Sometimes it hits you out of nowhere doesn’t it?

Hi OP, not sure I have any advice but just want you to know I understand and you are not alone in this.
I am recently divorced. I have Two young adult children at home, a job I enjoy and a few real friends but I am so very lonely.
I totally get how you feel, I have cried a few nights in bed this week. After 30 years I miss that soul mate so much.
I don’t feel like I want anyone else, I just can’t see it.
Sending you big hugs, I’m sure time will help us all. xx

If it’s any consolation my 42 year old son after the break down of a long relationship finds OLD impossible. There are times when he’s lonely.

@Itisallgoingtobeok lady grief is one sneaky bitch. Doesn’t matter what you are grieving for, past, present or future.

sorry @Thegrassroots26 all credit for my words should really go to my brilliant therapist.

@WhatWillMyFutureHold - my marriage was 30 years too. The last decade was awful so I don’t regret the divorce, it was the right thing. My life is better without him. But and it’s a big but… I miss being something special to someone and having someone who is special to me.

Handhold from me too. Loneliness is awful. I am fortunate to be in a happy marriage, but know because of health I am likely to be the one left on my own, and I know I will feel like you and am dreading it already. I hope you find your way through.

That’s what I miss too. Our marriage was good apart from the last couple of years. He was unfaithful (it’s a long story) I have had much anger towards him but now I just feel sad and I’m embarrassed to say I miss him. We’re trying to help each other get through it now (his remorse and a whole host of mental/emotional issues and my grief and an unpleasant health issue). I just think it’s bonkers that we’ve ended up where we are but still turn to each other for support. Just reminds me what we’ve both lost all because of a selfish, stupid choice he made. I’m so worried about a lonely future ahead.
I hope you get some peaceful sleep tonight. X

I feel your your pain @Itisallgoingtobeok

For me loneliness is definitely not my friend. My situation is that I lost my long term partner two years ago. I am man in his late fifties and have never been on my own before and do not have any children.

My way of coping was to keep myself busy and to go travelling. Also I did start OLD a few months after losing my partner. I am quite a pragmatic person and thought it was a good idea despite some people saying it was too soon.

Now I was very fortunate and met a beautiful and fun lady who I am still dating. Issue I have is my partner has a lot of family commitments plus there have been integrating with her family issues plus

It's not odd at all,the having no one to talk to once work/hobby is finished.being lonely can be very hard to cope with.
I used to find weekends the hardest even more so if it was bank holiday.

Morning everyone. Thanks for lovely messages. I’m feeling a little better this morning, but that emptiness is still there. Im going to have to learn to manage the feelings.

Sorry it is so hard. You have my sympathy. You are doing everything right.

I hope this isn't a completely pointless suggestion, but do you have the room for and would you consider a lodger, chosen for a common interest rather than income. My neighbour advertises on that basis and expressly says would suit someone interested in her particular hobby. They don't live in each other's pockets but she has someone else in the house and who will have a chat everyday and finds it a plus.

@Itisallgoingtobeok

I could have written your post and I totally get it. It’s exactly that isn’t it? You have your life sorted. Good friends etc but I really miss the companionship and being someone’s priority as you would make them. I always have a plan at the weekends but that’s because I make them as otherwise you l’d just be on your own wouldn’t you? You have to don’t you?

I’m not dismissing friends here of course but I don’t think friends in couples always understand quite how lonely it can be. I don’t have any solutions really -sorry. Mine is just keeping busy and seeing friends when they are free. One of the people that is now one of my closest friends came from joining a choir (which we both stopped going to after a couple of months). We now always text each other when we wake up on a Saturday and Sunday and see if we are up for a walk. It’s comforting. And yes I also tried OLD and it’s disheartening 😫