Is anyone married to someone with executive dysfunction, and how do you manage?

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Dh and I have a slew of issues which I won't go into here, but one thing I am finding very tough is that he cannot manage instigating or seeing through any tasks that are not in his normal "groove" or routine.

He is a SAHD and I am out a lot at work, so most house stuff falls to him - well in term at least.

There are certain things he "can do" like sorting the kids' meals or putting laundry on regularly.

There are certain things that he "can't do" like cleaning the loo, mowing the lawns, washing the cars, etc

I mostly manage by picking up all the "can't do" stuff on the weekend, although it's stressful as it's a big list so I'm never quite on top.

But anything "extra" or one-off that requires initiative is very tough to get done. For example, right now we are sorting out something to do with our fence with the neighbours. They are friendly and happy to work with us, but have asked us to come round for a quick chat some weekday, any day, before 6pm. This basically means DH as I'm at work.

It's been weeks, literally weeks. He cannot seem to organise himself to do it. It is really stressful as might cost us £££ and neighbours are getting annoyed.

Much love if you read this far.... I do not know if DH has exec dysfunction but it has occurred to me that he does. So I am wondering: are there approaches you can use to work with someone who functions like that, so that the things that need to get done.... well, get done?!

How many and how old are the children?
What was his last job?

Oh op I remember your other threads

Thread and post after post about basically you are unhappy and unfulfilled.

Just checked out the OP’s other threads and yes it seems she’s been unhappy for years

Stop wasting your life on a man who doesn’t make you happy OP - this hadn’t got better and it won’t

Ah thanks guys. Yeah we are not happy and seeking counselling. Just trying to prioritise in my own mind, which bit is most stressful and how can I manage positively?

It all sounds shite

not just for you but for the children too

Make a typewritten list of all the things you need him to do, in large type - put it somewhere prominent like the fridge door or a kitchen/living room wall. Put check boxes next to every task.
Tell him that all the check boxes need to be ticked by the end of the week.
That's probably more stressful than his procrastinating, so might be the spur he needs.
Really feel for you - my husband has problems in that area, but at least he's willing to trick himself into workarounds for the sake of our marriage. There are methods people with executive function issues can use... but they have to be willing to change their ingrained patterns.

No advice, but my husband is similar and seems to struggle to complete jobs. His brother suggested it may be ADHD as he is currently being assessed for it. DH isn't so sure, but I can see how some of it fits his behaviours. I also work with my husband and he seems to struggle to see tasks through to completion at work as well, so it's not just him shirking the housework because he doesn't want to do it, I think.

It's tricky because I hate nagging people, but he seems to think it's not a big deal for me to remind him he's not finished a job he started. I don't understand why he can't make a list, or set a reminder on his phone. I told him I feel like I'm begging for his help if I have to constantly remind him, but he doesn't see it that way, so I think maybe I should try being more assertive. My husband's Dad passed away when he was very young and my parents we're always arguing over chores etc, so we don't really have a baseline to what's normal in a healthy relationship.

@RosaMundi27 I actually have started doing something quite similar! We have a family whiteboard in the kitchen and I made a list of "this is what needs doing every week" (clean loos, hoover upstairs etc) and "these are the next one-off jobs coming up" (put batteries in smoke alarm, window locks will need WD40ing soon etc) and try and use that. I don't tick stuff off but I'll say, look, I've hoovered the whole house and mopped this weekend so can you do x....

It hasn't made much difference tbh.

@CoolherShakeher I strongly suspect adhd too. DH was a very bright schoolboy but crashed his exams through lack of studying and has got through his working life, before he stayed at home, by repeatedly missing / near missing deadlines but then having a burst of inspiration and pulling it out of the bag at the last moment. It used to drive his manager crackers but he worked in a fundraising role and always hit targets so she couldn't performance manage him easily.

Sounds like he does what he doesn't mind doing and mysteriously can't manage what he doesn't want to do.

I only have empathy.

I have no solutions.

He doesn’t care enough to do it. You are his mummy now.

I have executive dysfunction (diagnosed ADHD).

I call utter bullshit that he "can't do" things like cleaning the toilet.

Yes I admit I am a bit sporadic in my toilet cleaning (but this applies to so many things including laundry TBF) but I would never be so bold as to claim I can't. What a load of rubbish!

@BertieBotts to be absolutely fair, can't is my word. He cannot seem to manage to keep in his head that it needs to be done. He only ever panic-cleans it when his mum comes to stay. As a (gross) experiment, I clean the main family bathroom and downstairs loo and asked him to be responsible for the en suite which only he uses. It is a state now 🤨

So Bertie what helps you, if I can ask? Is there something others can do to help you keep on top of stuff other than nagging? I hate nagging but spend my life doing it.

The key question is whether he sees this as a problem.

If he does there are techniques that he can use to help him plan better and transition between tasks. You could help him with this, work as a team to make things run more efficiently.

If he's happy doing very little and you picking up all the slack then it isn't ADHD/executive function that's the issue. You can't help, you're not a team.

i do, but mine does what he can. It’s frustrating at times. This does sound like there are other issues at play in the relationship. To me it sounds like you need more two way communication about the issues that are really bothering you. Have you looked at individual therapy? It might help clarify things for you

I couldn’t be with someone so incompetent.

Well I can sit here and type out a whole load of stuff but the problem is, if he doesn't think he has a problem, and doesn't want to engage with any of it, it will be a waste of my time and yours reading it, I'm afraid.

OK, on re-reading, with a bit more sympathy now I see the "can't" is an outside observation rather than a declaration by him - DOES he want to change? Does he feel embarrassed or upset about it? Is he looking for resources or ideas? I know the waiting lists for ADHD assessment are long and it took me a couple of years to get around to actually making the call myself, but is he open to this?

Does he have strengths you can play on? That is often helpful.

i find the blame on all things adhd a bit irksome.
i have 3 children now adults with adhd and all three are competent cleaners and although might priorities things differently than me or dh are fully 100% capable of day to day life and it's requirements (including work).
my dd's partner has add (not a hyper bone in his body) and might be leaning towards being on spectrum and would most likely chew his arm off before doing dishes or laundry...since leaving home he's hired out housecleaning but he earn well knows house stuff isn't his thing and contracts that out. quite likes yard work though.
is he competent to stay with the children?
and is his incompetence on purpose? learned helplessness?

Thanks Bertie :)

So no he is not looking - he cannot cope with anything medical and defers defers defers. But I am pretty sure he is ND and it is easier (for me) to treat it like that and try to cope, as right now leaving isn't an option and we need to make it work.

Yes he knows there is a problem. He just says "you are much better at planning than me" and it's down to inherent personality diffces. He also recognises the historic problems at work.

I am a bit stuck right now and just trying to make it work.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff not sure counselling will help

its extremely obvious he has adhd - my kid has it so l recognised straight away. Especially the lack of motivation and planning is a give away

if you go privately for assessment you can get this addressed very soon

@BreakingBroken yes fine with kids. One issue is, he hyperfocuses on specific stuff. So whereas the other day I was washing up whilst listening to DS do his reading.... or I'll get the kids to "help" me wash the car so I can mind them whilst doing a job.... DH cannot work like that. Which is fine, we don't all need to multitask

But one of his "special subjects" is taking care of the kids so that is okay. He will go into incredible amounts of detail planning days out, with specific itineraries, carefully packed bags, a schedule etc. It means lit nothing else happens but no, I have no worries about him with them.

The only thing he cannot ("cannot") do is plan ahead like ordering show costumes or presents ahead of time, but I can manage that.

Timers and doing thing first thing in the morning. So as soon as he gets back from drop off or whatever, rush into the house and no sitting down, no coffee, no checking his phone for the news just get the timer on his phone and time how long he takes to do x task. He had to rush at it.

in this case cleaning the en suite but in my case, cooking a certain dish that is even one instruction more than a tray bake or cutting the grass (timing of this can be quite fun) or changing the sheets. How long for a king size bed and a full linen change.

Also I disagree on the “can’t” comment

Some adhd case are awful, they re trying to go from A to B and literally cannot do it as there are 1 million things on their head along with anxiety and fears. Meds is the way forward

Your DP has mental health issues and they aren't just ADHD. It's your choice whether to help him or abandon him but you really, really need professional input, not just "advice" from people on the internet.