Being ok alone

[TheFluentBee]

Hi everyone,
2 years ago (pretty much exactly) I found out my husband of 12 years had been having an affair. He left me for her and they are still together. Our divorce finalised a year later (again pretty much exactly a year ago). He bought me out the family home and I bought my house and I have been in it nearly a year. I didn’t date until the divorce was finalised and I was in and settled into my new house. We have two Dc, aged 12 and 9 now. I joined online dating and didn’t have the best experience. I’m 37, average height and build and I think I am attractive enough to atleast have some interest. My my divorce and the way he was killed all my self worth. I thought I was ok, I went on a few 1st and 2nd and 3rd dates which just didn’t progress. One clearly wanted one thing - no ghosting but his attitude changed after we slept together so I walked away. Second one ghosted me, I think because I didn’t sleep with him. Then I met someone online about 4/5 months ago. It felt good, I was attracted to him, he made me feel good. We spoke about the future and it all seemed to be going really good. I was 100% invested and I didn’t think I’d feel like I trust someone again but I felt I could trust him. but over the last week or two he became distant and said he had a lot going on and couldn’t commit to a relationship at the minute but maybe he just needed some space. Earlier this week he was back to talking about the future again. Last night he ended it. I’m embarrassingly gutted. I thought this had potential to go somewhere. But I also think I’m scared of loneliness. I know I don’t need anyone but I really want someone but I know no one can guarentee that. I feel like I’m running out of time to find someone. I don’t want more children but I feel on dating sites I’ll be looked at as old plus the idea of going back ln them fills me with a sense of dread, but it seems like the only way to meet people now. I guess I just want to know if you managed to find someone at my age or later?
today has been the first day I didn’t get a morning message off him for months and I’ve missed having that. I wish someone would choose me and think I can’t let this one go but I don’t think I’ve ever had that.

You’re still young, the right person hasn’t come along yet but will. I met my partner at age 49 so don’t worry you are not too old

Give it time as you are in your 30s some men will assume you want more DC.

It takes time and many on there don’t seem interested in relationships just sex.

Invest in family and friends, they matter increasingly in your late 40s even if you have a partner.

I've been alone for over 10 years now. I did have a look at dating sites, they were not for me and I didn't meet anyone for dates.

I have dependent DC though so when I'm finally independent, I might want to meet someone then. But if I don't, I'm okay with that. At first when it can feel a bit like panic mode, but you learn to not need anyone else, or want anyone else for that matter!

I can understand why you don’t want to be alone - it must feel alien after being married for so long. Unfortunately online dating is savage and if you aren’t in the right head space, it can take more of a toll. Take some time out to be single and heal.

I would suggest you focus on you rather, than another relationship. Join a club or a group, get our with girl friends. You can make yourself happy without a man and relationships tend to come along when you ard not looking for them.

Thank you. Online dating was savage. My confidence was knocked more than a few times.
I just don’t want to do life on my own. I’ve got my kids and I’ll always have them, but I know I don’t want to be single. I completely appreciate that some people prefer the peace that comes with that and I respect it, but I know it’s not the picture of what I want. but I also don’t want to settle out of fear. My marriage was hard, he had huge mental health issues and I was there, whenever he needed me and I put my feelings to the side because at the time I felt his were more important and then I found out there was someone else. It blindsided me.
I want to be chosen and I am scared it won’t happen.

You are pretty much on the same timeline as me after the same experience except i'm mid 40. I dated a bit last year but have made a conscious decision to become the best person for me and be comfortable on my own as I dont want to end up settling. My kids are still primary and early secondary so I don't have much time and im using that time for exercise, counselling, seeing friends, walking etc etc. I have just signed up for some volunteering. I will not wait for a man to make my life meaningful.

I will share some wise words my aunt once shared with me

"stop looking then they come running".

Honestly step away from online dating, concentrate on spending free time on your hobbies and pleasures and the right person will come along

Just enjoy your me time for now and relax. You have your cake, if icing comes along then that is a bonus but cake without icing is still tasty.

To be honest, I’d like to meet someone and being single mid 40s was not what I envisaged, but I’m also not going to settle for someone just so I’m not single. (I’m not saying that’s what you are doing).

Just to add, I’m sorry what you went through in your marriage - sounds awful! Put yourself first for a bit - even in the next relationship. xx

Your line "I want to be chosen" struck me.
Like you're a princess passively waiting for a prince to come along. (I'm not calling you a princess btw)
Why are you not doing the choosing?

Assume the worst, assume that you'll never meet anyone. Then go and live your life accordingly, enjoy yourself! Live your life to the full.
Meeting a man will not complete you. It's a bonus if someone does come along. But make sure that you don't need to be chosen, that will lead to bad choices.

Ah sorry to hear that OP. Maybe have 6 months off online dating and really invest in yourself. You will go back stronger and rejections won’t cut so deep. Best of luck x

If you feel that you want to find someone online, get a friend to take a natural photo of you this summer, smiling in the outdoors, looking at your best (we all look a lot better in the summer months!) wearing nice summery clothes.

Use the photo in your online profile and it will give you a boost of confidence. Do the picking if you find someone you think is a good match, don't just wait for someone to choose you.

i did the above and met my DH2 that way and he still has that photo of me in his wallet, to remind him of seeing me online. And I picked him first 😊

Have you healed from the trauma caused by your husband and the divorce? It is OK to be single whilst you do that, in fact it would be healthier. Get to know who you are. Sort out your boundaries. Once you are over it and are strong, then go back out there. You will be better equipped to deal with the losers and time wasters more dispassionately and protect yourself.

Thank you. I feel like I want to be chosen because so many times I’ve never felt like im
someone’s priority. I want someone to look at me and think I can’t lose her, but it’s never been that way. My ex and his partner play happy families with the kids and I know I’m enough for my kids but it just feels like he can always give them more.
I don’t want to settle and make bad choices because of fear of being alone but I struggle to contemplate not finding someone. My aunty never found anyone and now she’s 70 so I know it happens, and although she’s happy, there are times where she will say she had wished she met her match.
i have a good job, my own house, my own (albeit very worn down) car, I’ve got an amazing group of friends and my two incredible children. I feel incredibly lucky I’ve got all that. It’s more than enough to know my life is full of happiness and love, but there’s just this part of me that really longs for the companionship that comes with a relationship, and the last few months I’ve really enjoyed that. Not waking up alone every morning, and cuddling on the couch. It was what I’d missed for years and it felt good for that short period of time. I feel like I’m being so dramatic, but I know the world of online dating is horrific, I know the ones that are worth keeping will have so many options and choices of women, so it just feels kind of hopeless. I work in a very female heavy workplace. I go to the gym but no one really talks, all my friends are married and there’s no one to really play match maker. I am feeling very sorry for myself and I’m sure in a few days it won’t feel this blue.

I took a good year out for myself whilst we were in the thick of it, but I don’t know if I was on survival mode. The split was hard, and I did go to counselling and she did say there was a lot of gaslighting and manipulation in the marriage. I’m not perfect and I know I had a lot I needed to work on before moving on. I thought I had done that but maybe I didn’t.

OP chose yourself, invest in yourself. Your ex didn’t deserve you, the latest man wasn’t the right one. The next one may well be but focus on you for a bit first as if you don’t feel worthy and are waiting to be chosen you may not attract the right man. X

No easy answers, sorry.
But I will say - you’re no way too old!
Even from my man’s pov, old can be brutal and bruising: but I could share so many horror stories from women friends about their experiences that are so much worse….. You’re certainly not alone. There are decent people out there but you’re going to need to thicken your skin a bit, to filter and check like mad, to be able to laugh at the fails and the lies, and most of all: you’ve got to be happy with the idea that you’re better alone than with the wrong person. I know that not having someone there for you can feel a cold and empty place at times, there’s no getting away from that, but you’ve got a lot going for you, take pride and pleasure from all those things!

@TheFluentBee There's no rush, maybe a little time out for a bit more reflection and healing is what you need. There's a lot to unpick after an abusive relationship and a brutal divorce and you may need to do a bit more work. My experience is that healing is not linear.

Be kind to yourself, I always try to think what advice I would give a friend, and then apply it to me. That can be surprisingly effective.

Thank you for all of your replies. I think I do need some time away to try and rebuild myself. Then I get scared that I’m only getting older and any potential options will get smaller.

I don’t know what it’s like for men on online dating and whether they get the same experiences.

💯 give yourself a bit of time. I’ll repeat - you’re really so young, you definitely don’t need to worry about being too old for it!
For men? I guess the only difference is that we don’t get women lying just to get sex on the side.
We do get the same bruising rudeness, the flirting with multiple people and random blocking, which can be (almost) as disheartening…. You’ve just got to keep on knowing and believing that it only shows you’re better than that.

If you can try to reframe loneliness into ‘me time’ it might help. I can do what I like when my children are with my ex. I have a constant list of things to do (DIY, film watch list, friends to see etc.).

Finding an absorbing hobby that you can do alone helps, or volunteering gets you out and about (and meeting new people).

I found that men on dating sites have incredibly high expectations of the sort of person they think they deserve, but don’t have much to offer in return.

Maybe delete your online dating profile and give yourself time to try to be happy on your own for a while? Being confident and single is far more appealing than single and hopeful. That’s just my opinion. I hope you work it out.

following

I think understanding that quite alot of men (and maybe women!) are not on the dating sites to find a partner. Its fun, a hobby, a challenge. They leap on anyone new who appears on the website. But they play the game, they pretend and maybe they even pretend to themselves. They're really convincing. You have to learn not to trust or believe ANYTHING until they've been around and stable long enough to start letting your guard down. Speaking as someone who has a lot of dating stories! 😁

My friend used to unhide her dating profile if she got a nice new dress and needed someone to take the dress for a night out!!!

I know I can get attached too quickly, I definitely did at the start. This last one felt different, he was open at the start and said he didn’t really know what he wanted but he was open to relationship. Maybe that should have been my first sign that we weren’t right. It naturally grew and we did more things together, talked about our past etc and a relationship naturally developed and he used the word relationship. Maybe it was never really what he wanted and with things going on in his life he realised it had gone further than he had meant it too. It hurts, i had opened up, trusted him and it was something I thought would take me a long time to do. I’ll bounce back but right now I feel like I am in the thick of feeling gutted and lonely and miss what he made me feel again.

I think with dating apps it just feels like there are unlimited options so why stick to one woman? Why pick one person when there are lots to talk to. And at the moment I guess I’m in the, what makes me special that I would find someone who would talk to me and be like, yup her. I feel very sorry for myself obviously!