Being ok alone

[TheFluentBee]

Hi everyone,
2 years ago (pretty much exactly) I found out my husband of 12 years had been having an affair. He left me for her and they are still together. Our divorce finalised a year later (again pretty much exactly a year ago). He bought me out the family home and I bought my house and I have been in it nearly a year. I didn’t date until the divorce was finalised and I was in and settled into my new house. We have two Dc, aged 12 and 9 now. I joined online dating and didn’t have the best experience. I’m 37, average height and build and I think I am attractive enough to atleast have some interest. My my divorce and the way he was killed all my self worth. I thought I was ok, I went on a few 1st and 2nd and 3rd dates which just didn’t progress. One clearly wanted one thing - no ghosting but his attitude changed after we slept together so I walked away. Second one ghosted me, I think because I didn’t sleep with him. Then I met someone online about 4/5 months ago. It felt good, I was attracted to him, he made me feel good. We spoke about the future and it all seemed to be going really good. I was 100% invested and I didn’t think I’d feel like I trust someone again but I felt I could trust him. but over the last week or two he became distant and said he had a lot going on and couldn’t commit to a relationship at the minute but maybe he just needed some space. Earlier this week he was back to talking about the future again. Last night he ended it. I’m embarrassingly gutted. I thought this had potential to go somewhere. But I also think I’m scared of loneliness. I know I don’t need anyone but I really want someone but I know no one can guarentee that. I feel like I’m running out of time to find someone. I don’t want more children but I feel on dating sites I’ll be looked at as old plus the idea of going back ln them fills me with a sense of dread, but it seems like the only way to meet people now. I guess I just want to know if you managed to find someone at my age or later?
today has been the first day I didn’t get a morning message off him for months and I’ve missed having that. I wish someone would choose me and think I can’t let this one go but I don’t think I’ve ever had that.

@TheFluentBee focus on you lovely - I was divorced by 29 and my first thoughts were - find someone else’ - I had been with my ex from 15 and it just felt so weird - I made some very silly rushed choices because I wanted to feel I was ‘special’ to someone - now I’m 63 and been remarried 29 years I can see that the person you need to be special to initially is yourself - some men will add to your life, but many will just give you hassle and heartache - one thing I did learn was that the ones worth waiting for were keen from the beginning and reliable and showed it . Keener than me to be honest. Please don’t rush to compromise - I think one reason I rushed was because I didn’t have many friends or hobbies or a very close family - I missed my very close ex in laws. Build yourself up first and foremost .

No more chances with him now, use this experience to firm up boundaries. I think if I was to date again, I’d not try to get serious too quickly, get to known their behaviour and habits well before deciding they are right for you, gage how naturally it progresses and invested they are. It’s not a rush, you don’t want more children so you have plenty of time to shop around.

when I was first single, I made the mistake of trying to make it work with the wrong person and the on/off again relationship is really damaging and in hindsight I was lonely and overlooking red flags, made peace with its fine to be single unless I happen to find someone who complements my life.

@TheFluentBee I could have written some of your post. I think its normal to really put a lot of hope into that next big relationship after one which ended. You deserve that. All I can say is you are still very young plus be grateful you have your kids so less pressure. So focus on being the best you can be. I took a couple of years off dating and effectively dated myself. Id been so disappointed by flakey men id dated (separated who went back to wife, or else too many mental issues or just plain hopeless) that I thought the only people who didnt disappoint were my friends. Im not saying do the same but try and build up that esteem by spending time with people who think you are great.

Im single but after those two years, I felt a lot stronger mentally and more in control of my destiny. I did date again and had a much more equal and healthy relationship. Prior to my break, I was hoping so much that someone would choose me. Now I feel like I need to choose them too.