What would you do if you found out you’ve been cheated on but years ago.

Mazz1986 · 2025-08-09T09:43:38+00:00

So met my husband, at 17 years old he was 19, We were together a year and broke up briefly, couple of months and then got back together, I got pregnant and while I was pregnant I found out that he had been cheating on me (before I was pregnant) and that’s why he broke it off with me, he was with her for a while , meeting up, going out together when he told me he was out with the boys, then split with me and got with her properly , went away on holidays etc , then she was with my husband and mutual friends of mine and my husbands , they had been drinking at a house party at hers and infront of loads of people he was hanging around her and some guy was trying to get into her she snapped and shouted at my husband asking why was he even there and they arnt together never have been, and not to go around acting like they are boyfriend and girlfriend, apparently he left with his friend , he then got back with me and just said that he missed me, So while I was pregnant, I find out about places they had been and rugby matches that he went to when he cancelled plans with me He said sorry and that he hadn’t done anything that they were just friends then , and he split up with me not for that reason, and just started dating her afterwards. but obviously over time I realised they wasn’t, I would bring up things after finding out they had been places overnight , lies he told not to be with me, I would bring things up and then it was always — “it’s in the past” , “” we can’t keep going over this” He would never cheat now, he is very devoted, this was over 20 years ago, I never had him tell me what really happened, he says he can’t remember much of it now, I always felt second best. Second choice. I wanted another baby for years and he never did, I feel like I got pregnant and he got stuck with me. What do I do it plays on my mind sometimes. How can I let it go.

NuffSaidSam · 09/08/2025 10:50

I couldn't get too hung up on teenage love dramas. It was a long time ago and you were both very young. Just let it go. If he wanted to be with someone else, he would be.

Beachtastic · 09/08/2025 10:52

Things are always messy at that age. If he's a devoted husband now, I'd focus on that. If he'd been just pretending all these years, the mask would have slipped by now!

MJ1980 · 09/08/2025 11:02

If youre not happy, leave - yolo

InSpainTheRain · 09/08/2025 11:05

To me that's a teenage love drama as PP has said. How about you talk it through with someone to get it out your mind? To me 20 years together trumps that especially if he is a great partner, and you say he is devoted now so I would not dwell on it. But easier said than done!

Original poster

Mazz1986 · 11/08/2025 01:17

Thanks all, you’re right it’s teen drama.
I got pregnant unexpectedly,
I was ment to go to uni that year, my parents were living over 60 miles away and lived abroad 6 months of the year.
I ended up staying with his parents.
The girl,, called my husband one day and I asked who it was , I knew who it was I could hear the person loudly on the phone,
he said who it was and walked away from me , like he was on an important call, (this was when I was pregnant)
I said quietly, tell her not to call you , and tell her you are with me,
he went mad.
told her sorry I can’t talk right now, and he will call her back .
and I was just looking at him. In shock!
he just hung up and then said. I shouldn’t tell him who he can’t talk to, and if he wanted to talk to her he will, I don’t run his life,
i asked if he was still with her and he said no.
so I asked why he wanted to talk to her,
he said she called him, I then asked why he asked her to call her back.
he flipped out and woke his mother,
his mother came in , and took my phone, my purse.
and locked me in my room, he went over his sisters house.
the next day I had to apologise to him , his mother and his sister for waking them,
Even though it was him that was waking them.
few weeks later he had a message go off on his phone and he asked who it was , I said it was an o2 balance message,
it wasn’t,
it was a text off her, and i seen the previous messages. Which were , can you call me!
She said she misses him .
I just never had answers
he was drunk once and said i trapped him.I just find it Har to let go.
hes great but it still hurts me and I wish I could let go.

OP posts:

SunflowerTed · 11/08/2025 01:27

you need to let it go. It was 20 years ago and he was just a kid. He’s a different person now. By getting pregnant so young maybe he did feel trapped but it’s in the past - focus on the present

Mumptynumpty · 11/08/2025 07:33

Although he may be devoted and the situation happened a long time ago the lies and misinformation is happening now.

This is causing you anguish and anxiety and a "devoted" partner would not want to be the cause of that.

I think some couples counseling would allow you to express how you felt then and now and some honest reflections from him so that you can truly put this behind you because he seems to have the luxury of that but you don't.

upandleftthenright · 11/08/2025 07:43

Are you from a culture that places pressure on doing the right thing, and gives the male family a lot of influence? I ask as the part that jumps out to me is that your phone and purse were taken away from you and you were locked in a room age 17 and pregnant. That’s crazy. Where was your family insisting you walk away?

PollysPocketss · 11/08/2025 07:44

Move on.

You were both almost children then! You weren't engaged or anything- you were just girlfriend and boyfriend.

More to the point is you became pregnant- absolutely no need for that to have happened.

What is more worrying is that you say you wanted another child, he didn't and you feel he's stuck with you out of obligation.

Assume you're 37ish now if this was 20 years ago.

How's your marriage now?

myplace · 11/08/2025 07:48

I’m really shocked that his family treated you like that.

Really shocked. It takes it from teen drama to abuse.

Is your uneasiness now purely historical, or have you actually been trapped in a long marriage by low grade coercive behaviour?

Coconutter24 · 11/08/2025 07:50

It’s been 20years, you’ve wasted all that time with this being on your mind. It’s easy people saying you need to let it go…. If you could I’m sure you would have done that by now! You need to leave him, if you can’t get over it after all these years you need to leave. You’re still young enough you can go on to build a happy life

SparklyGreenCrab · 11/08/2025 07:51

I suggest you find someone to talk this through with. A therapist would be best. Then you can work through your feelings and thoughts and decide how you want your future to be.

Original poster

Mazz1986 · 11/08/2025 08:15

No, not from that type of culture, I was 18 and had no family around. he is from a deprived family, parents never worked , never had a holiday in his life.
his mother was extremely controlling over her son, and then me, she told him to go over to his sisters house and she would “deal with me”
She took my phone so I couldn’t call anyone, they already had my bank cards. I was given pocket money, all my wages were left I’m my bank and transferred over to him weekly . as soon as I left that house and had our own place things got better really quickly between us. he slowly realised his mother was a complete fruitcake. But he grew up thinking it’s normal behaviour in a dysfunctional family.
I never went to unit, but turns out it would have been unnecessary. I was told at first that I shouldn’t and wasn’t allowed to work but went to college around school hours , which his mother was never happy about, in turn my husband wasn’t , I wasn’t allowed out to socialise with anyone.
my mother moved back when I started college, he wasn’t happy about me working and I asked if he wanted me do be a dole bum and he went mental, saying that it was aimed to his mother- which yeah it was.
if the shoe fits. I told him to think about what he wants in life, told him times have changed.
I got a job and he took over and brought the business he worked for. I sent up my own business and there is no part of him that controls me at all now. His mum does make remarks all the time, ie-saying I act like a single woman, the time I went on a weekend away with my great aunts and family. and tells my husband he’s foolish and I take the mick.
he knows , knows how bizarre she is. He says things on purpose for fun to get her to snap. And then laughs and questions her logic.

OP posts:

Snorkmaidenly · 11/08/2025 08:27

OP I think it'd be hard to tell how he feels because the structure of the family system you're all stuck in is so dysfunctional and dominant. I suspect you're going to have to realise you're unsettled overall, and traumatised by how everything's been expressed, and not just this one issue.

Essentially, your husband is used to sneaking under the radar to get his real needs met, as a habit developed to evade the controlling and punishing patrol of his mother. The knock-on effects on you have been caused by his shame and secrecy over this teen drama, but I doubt he behaved that way for the same motives you would, more he's handled it confusingly because he's so maladapted.

PollysPocketss · 11/08/2025 08:52

Mazz1986 · 11/08/2025 08:15

No, not from that type of culture, I was 18 and had no family around. he is from a deprived family, parents never worked , never had a holiday in his life.
his mother was extremely controlling over her son, and then me, she told him to go over to his sisters house and she would “deal with me”
She took my phone so I couldn’t call anyone, they already had my bank cards. I was given pocket money, all my wages were left I’m my bank and transferred over to him weekly . as soon as I left that house and had our own place things got better really quickly between us. he slowly realised his mother was a complete fruitcake. But he grew up thinking it’s normal behaviour in a dysfunctional family.
I never went to unit, but turns out it would have been unnecessary. I was told at first that I shouldn’t and wasn’t allowed to work but went to college around school hours , which his mother was never happy about, in turn my husband wasn’t , I wasn’t allowed out to socialise with anyone.
my mother moved back when I started college, he wasn’t happy about me working and I asked if he wanted me do be a dole bum and he went mental, saying that it was aimed to his mother- which yeah it was.
if the shoe fits. I told him to think about what he wants in life, told him times have changed.
I got a job and he took over and brought the business he worked for. I sent up my own business and there is no part of him that controls me at all now. His mum does make remarks all the time, ie-saying I act like a single woman, the time I went on a weekend away with my great aunts and family. and tells my husband he’s foolish and I take the mick.
he knows , knows how bizarre she is. He says things on purpose for fun to get her to snap. And then laughs and questions her logic.

I don't understand how as a minor at 17 your family were 60 miles away.
Were you in care or something?

Who did you live with at 16-17?

upandleftthenright · 11/08/2025 08:53

You need to get real life support and plan an escape.

Worried8263839 · 11/08/2025 08:55

AI

PollysPocketss · 11/08/2025 09:02

Worried8263839 · 11/08/2025 08:55

AI

You mean this isn't true?

Worried8263839 · 11/08/2025 09:31

PollysPocketss · 11/08/2025 09:02

You mean this isn't true?

Show quote history

I don’t believe it is, no, or at least the OP has used AI to generate the post.

Original poster

Mazz1986 · 11/08/2025 09:34

I was nearly 19, my parents sold their properties and I had planned on going to uni, the same uni my sister was attending and same accommodation building.
I could have moved in with my parents but decided to stay with my partner, so I moved in with him and his family for a few months until we found our own place.
this is all in the past, he is no way controlling now, I do what I want, we own our own home, he’s supportive, he knows his mother tries to get us to argue and put me down, he sticks up for me straight away.
if just the past living with them was never discussed, it took him a while to see what life is really about. my mum worked and it didn’t make her a less mother, I’m greatfull that I got to go on amazing holidays, had a trust fund , where he was lead to believe that women’s places was in the house, it’s the way he was brought up. hes not like that now.
he’s encouraged every part of my business.
when his mother said I was “swanning off” to work the other week,
he laughed and said well someone has to pay towards your benefits.
he is so blunt with her, he says it jokingly but he’s serious. He knows he had a rough upbringing..

just talking through it on here has made me feel better about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mazz1986 · 11/08/2025 09:45

Worried8263839 · 11/08/2025 09:31

I don’t believe it is, no, or at least the OP has used AI to generate the post.

Show quote history

No this is real,why would a real person go through the effort of doing this, it’s a personal story, nothing that would cause a debate or influence such as political influence , race , religion etc.
its something personal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mazz1986 · 11/08/2025 09:55

PollysPocketss · 11/08/2025 07:44

Move on.

You were both almost children then! You weren't engaged or anything- you were just girlfriend and boyfriend.

More to the point is you became pregnant- absolutely no need for that to have happened.

What is more worrying is that you say you wanted another child, he didn't and you feel he's stuck with you out of obligation.

Assume you're 37ish now if this was 20 years ago.

How's your marriage now?

Marriage is good now, I’m 39 now, too old to have another child,
I wanted another child for a long time he always had a reason at first, whether it was moving, paying off the mortgage, then I was just told no, no reason given.
I think if I had a reason I wouldn’t blame myself.

OP posts:

Userfriendly20 · 11/08/2025 10:08

I don’t know if I’ve lost it in amongst everything you’ve said but why is this only coming up now? It seems you knew all this at the time?

PollysPocketss · 11/08/2025 11:12

Mazz1986 · 11/08/2025 09:55

Marriage is good now, I’m 39 now, too old to have another child,
I wanted another child for a long time he always had a reason at first, whether it was moving, paying off the mortgage, then I was just told no, no reason given.
I think if I had a reason I wouldn’t blame myself.

Show quote history

It's not too old.
I have friends who married at 35 and squeezed in 2 children before 40.

You don't sound happy at all.

You're making excuses for him.

You're looking back 22 years, your husband won't discuss having another child and he appears to be controlling you the same way that you said his mum did when you were 17

And why did you allow his mum to take control of your wages and bank account? You were 19.

None of this makes any sense.

user1492757084 · 11/08/2025 11:19

You are not too old to go to uni now.
Why don't you enrol part time and also have the second child if you want to.
You seem still traumatised from twenty years ago when you lost the future you expected.

Pose the question of the second child.
Look up uni courses.
You have years and years of life to live.