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Original poster

Man I’m seeing thinking of calling things off as his best friend fancies me

55 replies

SleepTheifSlayer · 09/08/2025 07:47

Name changed as a little outing and despite nearly being 40 I feel like I’ve gone back to the school playground.

I’ve been friends and colleagues with Aaron for 5 years. We work on a couple of projects together so the occasional night out, exchange the odd messages about weekends and holidays. We’re not on the same team so maybe see each other once a month. He’s a nice guy, we get on well but I’ve never thought of him as anything other than a friend. I know he’d love a partner but has been single for some time and has tried dating apps etc with minimal success.

8 months ago Aaron introduced me to his friend Mark on a night out. It’s been a slow burn but more recently Mark and I have been on some great dates and had an amazing time, thought it was mutual as he’s often the one to suggest the next meet up and did invite me back to his after our most recent date but I had to get home to relieve the babysitter.

Mark has become increasingly quiet via text and it transpires Aaron apparently really fancies me (this is news to me) and his best friend he’s worried about hurting his feelings and causing a rift. It’s clear he’s not told Aaron that we’ve been in some dates.

I am a bit stumped about what to say to be honest. Tempted to throw this one back and not get involved however we’ve had such a great time and it’s the first person in a long time whose company I’ve really enjoyed. I don’t want to come between friends however there’s nothing between Aaron and I, never has been and never will be.

I don’t know what to say to Mark. I admire the strength of his friendship but is he really going to go through life not dating anyone Aaron fancies?! I’m honestly no great catch Aaron isn’t missing out on a lot 😂. A bit of me thinks if Mark is going to let me go over this then clearly he doesn’t like me as much as I thought, but I do feel like I want to point out to Mark he could end up missing out on a lot for his friend and there’s nothing to stop Aaron finding a partner tomorrow!

OP posts:
Besttobe8001 · 09/08/2025 07:51

I live by an adage "don't make a man tell you twice that he doesn't want you'. Whatever the reason.

I would go back with "nice getting to know you and best of luck in the future" and block him.

Lillibridge · 09/08/2025 07:56

Probably need to talk to Mark and tell him what you've told us.

daisychain01 · 09/08/2025 08:02

If Aaron fancies you, why would he introduce you to his single male friend, without indicating in advance that he has feelings for you.

It doesn't make sense.

DaisyChain505 · 09/08/2025 08:09

Hmm this sounds like an excuse to back out of talking to you without looking the bad guy. Either way, he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to continue down this path with you. If he really wanted to he would.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 09/08/2025 08:12

Besttobe8001 · 09/08/2025 07:51

I live by an adage "don't make a man tell you twice that he doesn't want you'. Whatever the reason.

I would go back with "nice getting to know you and best of luck in the future" and block him.

This. I think Mark is just performing his guilt by voicing this to you so he can resolve his dissonance about feeling like a bad friend. But when you send that message he'll probably cop on and realise he needs to get over it if he wants to keep things going with you. He's wanting you to convince him it's OK but I totally agree with this poster you shouldn't do that, just say bye then and let him come around if he wants you

sandwichlover93 · 09/08/2025 08:22

He’s just not that into you. Sorry. Generic ‘thanks for letting me know’ message, block and move on.

wrongthinker · 09/08/2025 08:31

I agree with pp. He's not that into you. Respond saying, okay, thanks for letting me know and wish him well.

Do you think it's true that Aaron is madly in love with you? He sounds quite nice, would you not go on a date with him?

CowHeronCow · 09/08/2025 08:34

Honestly, OP, that sounds like ‘I’m washing my hair so I can’t see you for the rest of my life’.

Iwasphotoframed · 09/08/2025 08:35

Yeah throw him back, no man who is really into a woman would let a friend who is not in a relationship with her interfere in that.

WonderingWanda · 09/08/2025 08:38

Men can be such babies. I remember, a long time ago at Uni knowing 2 separate guys within 2 different friendship groups as friends. Despite no encouragement from me and no time spent socialising alone together outside the friendship group, they both declared (on separate occasions I should add) that they had fallen in love with me. I had to tactfully let them down but they made their undying love and heartbreak known to the wider friendship groups (actually even before sharing with me) and as a result no other males in either of those separate friendship groups would even remotely consider dating me as it would be too unfair on the lovesick prats who barely knew me but felt some need to stake a claim over me.

newyearsresolurion · 09/08/2025 08:39

Bin him

Secretsquirels · 09/08/2025 08:45

I’d tell him what you’ve said in your op - that you don’t think of Aaron like that and wouldn’t consider dating him either way. And then leave the ball in his court.

I actually think it’s a big green flag that he’s so thoughtful of his friends feelings. If he was a woman this would be being seen as laudable but toxic masculinity gets into our heads and we have this fairytale image of men competing for a woman, who has to take the winner with no say about who she dates.

Stefanodad · 09/08/2025 08:47

I’d take this at face value. He probably really does like you but the two of you are getting to one another and he might have have a really long and deep friendship with his mate Aaron. In that situation he could easily see this as a necessary sacrifice.

It’s very sad though and could have been avoided by some better communication by Aaron. If he’d told you his feelings ages ago and given you the opportunity to turn him down gently you could be genuine friends and it could be different.

If you are desperate to save the situation now you’d have to have a very difficult chat with Aaron along the lines of “I never knew you had feelings for me, I really like you as a friend but it was never going to happen, this means a lot to me, be a mate to Mark and I and please don’t stand in our way. Your friend Mark loves you enough to turn down the chance of love so you should feel secure in that” Depends how emotionally grown up Aaron is to hear that.

good lucm

BunnyRuddington · 09/08/2025 08:48

I would also say that you’re surprised that Aaron has feelings for you as he’s never told you but you don’t feel the same about him and thank him for letting you know.

I would still assume though that this is over.

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/08/2025 08:49

newyearsresolurion · 09/08/2025 08:39

Bin him

Yes. Do this and avoid years of trouble.

DelphiniumDoreen · 09/08/2025 08:55

I don’t think he likes you as much as you like him, sorry. I would say it’s a big fat lie to lessen his guilt.

Just say thanks and move on. No further thinking required.

magicstar1 · 09/08/2025 08:56

I have a lot of male friends and have seen this happen a few times over the years. It's some sort of weird code some of them have.
I introduced a woman into our group one day and two of the men liked her. She ended up going on a date with one, and the other guy was not happy. According to him, he saw and spoke to her first, so the second guy had no right to ask her out. No matter how much I explained that she's a grown woman, who made her own choice.....that didn't matter. The guys ended up not talking again, and the relationship ended too.
If Aaron and Mark are good friends, then you might as well just give up. It'll never work out well for you.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/08/2025 08:57

Stefanodad · 09/08/2025 08:47

I’d take this at face value. He probably really does like you but the two of you are getting to one another and he might have have a really long and deep friendship with his mate Aaron. In that situation he could easily see this as a necessary sacrifice.

It’s very sad though and could have been avoided by some better communication by Aaron. If he’d told you his feelings ages ago and given you the opportunity to turn him down gently you could be genuine friends and it could be different.

If you are desperate to save the situation now you’d have to have a very difficult chat with Aaron along the lines of “I never knew you had feelings for me, I really like you as a friend but it was never going to happen, this means a lot to me, be a mate to Mark and I and please don’t stand in our way. Your friend Mark loves you enough to turn down the chance of love so you should feel secure in that” Depends how emotionally grown up Aaron is to hear that.

good lucm

I think if you said any of that to Aaron he would be surprised to find out that he has these deep feelings for you!

OP - a quick message to Mark would suffice, as in ‘no worries, all the best’. If he really liked you he would be finding a way to work this out, it sounds like an excuse to me.

When Aaron mentions him in future you should say ‘oh yeah Mark, he binned me off because you were in love with me. Funny old world isn’t it!’

DelphiniumDoreen · 09/08/2025 09:00

WonderingWanda · 09/08/2025 08:38

Men can be such babies. I remember, a long time ago at Uni knowing 2 separate guys within 2 different friendship groups as friends. Despite no encouragement from me and no time spent socialising alone together outside the friendship group, they both declared (on separate occasions I should add) that they had fallen in love with me. I had to tactfully let them down but they made their undying love and heartbreak known to the wider friendship groups (actually even before sharing with me) and as a result no other males in either of those separate friendship groups would even remotely consider dating me as it would be too unfair on the lovesick prats who barely knew me but felt some need to stake a claim over me.

Bloody hell, I had this!

Two blokes in different friendship groups I went on perhaps one or two dates each and they were both telling friends they might move to the town I was at university. Friends told me!!! Err no mate, I don’t think so!!!

Yes, men can be babies.

Daleksatemyshed · 09/08/2025 09:06

It's going to be hard on Aaron if his mate is your BF but if Mark values their friendship above seeing you then he's not that keen anyway. There must be other nice men who Aaron doesn't know, I'd go and look for them

Twelftytwo · 09/08/2025 09:06

He would not be saying that if he was very into you, it's quite immature, I'd move on

TwistedWonder · 09/08/2025 09:14

It sounds like he’s making it his excuse for ending things but he’s too cowardly to just say he’s not feeling it.

Its all a bit teenage tbh - ridiculous from a grown man.

Just tell him ok, wish him well and move on.

nmsi · 09/08/2025 09:15

Tempted to throw this one back and not get involved however we’ve had such a great time and it’s the first person in a long time whose company I’ve really enjoyed

Yeah, throw him back.
It sounds like it's just an excuse.
If he really liked you he wouldn't be bothered that Aaron fancied you and he'd just carry on.

Just message him and say something like, "Ok, thanks for letting me know. All the best".

AuntyDepressant · 09/08/2025 09:39

To be honest I can see your point. Is he really going to go through life not dating anyone his friend fancies? It seems even more odd considering Aaron fancying you isn't going to go anywhere anyway because it's not reciprocated. Turn his logic on it's head slightly here, he is going to go through life not dating anyone that doesn't fancy his mate. Because that's essentially what he's saying here. You don't fancy his mate but he's thinking of ending things. That seems about more than just loyalty. Does his mate have the same expectations of him?

daisychain01 · 09/08/2025 09:49

The more I read the responses, the more I think of two stags in the rutting season locking horns over the female 🙄