Man I’m seeing thinking of calling things off as his best friend fancies me

[SleepTheifSlayer]

Name changed as a little outing and despite nearly being 40 I feel like I’ve gone back to the school playground.

I’ve been friends and colleagues with Aaron for 5 years. We work on a couple of projects together so the occasional night out, exchange the odd messages about weekends and holidays. We’re not on the same team so maybe see each other once a month. He’s a nice guy, we get on well but I’ve never thought of him as anything other than a friend. I know he’d love a partner but has been single for some time and has tried dating apps etc with minimal success.

8 months ago Aaron introduced me to his friend Mark on a night out. It’s been a slow burn but more recently Mark and I have been on some great dates and had an amazing time, thought it was mutual as he’s often the one to suggest the next meet up and did invite me back to his after our most recent date but I had to get home to relieve the babysitter.

Mark has become increasingly quiet via text and it transpires Aaron apparently really fancies me (this is news to me) and his best friend he’s worried about hurting his feelings and causing a rift. It’s clear he’s not told Aaron that we’ve been in some dates.

I am a bit stumped about what to say to be honest. Tempted to throw this one back and not get involved however we’ve had such a great time and it’s the first person in a long time whose company I’ve really enjoyed. I don’t want to come between friends however there’s nothing between Aaron and I, never has been and never will be.

I don’t know what to say to Mark. I admire the strength of his friendship but is he really going to go through life not dating anyone Aaron fancies?! I’m honestly no great catch Aaron isn’t missing out on a lot 😂. A bit of me thinks if Mark is going to let me go over this then clearly he doesn’t like me as much as I thought, but I do feel like I want to point out to Mark he could end up missing out on a lot for his friend and there’s nothing to stop Aaron finding a partner tomorrow!

Is Mark the one that told you that Mark's reason for backing off is because he's discovered that Aaron fancies you and he's thinking of ending things with you because of his friendship with Aaron?

If it's directly from Mark to you, but he only told you when you pushed him about being distant, I'd want to know (1) on what basis Mark believes that Aaron is interested in you (2) why this has just come up now and (3) if Mark really thinks so little of Aaron that he doesn't think Aaron wouldn't be able to cope with the situation? It would be one thing if you were a serious ex of Aaron's, but the two of you were never together. Go with your gut, but I'd feel uneasy about this and wouldn't love Mark "thinking about calling things off" while you wait around wondering what's going on (before you found out his supposed reasons) and what he'll decide (now that you know). What would have happened if you hadn't pushed to find out why he was semi-ghosting you? Even if this is all the truth rather than an excuse, I don't want a third person making the decisions by proxy in my relationship and I don't want a poor communicator, either.

If you've heard it from someone else besides Mark, I'd check to make sure that it's true.

Have you got this in a message or did he say it to you verbally?

No, he's not!!

Aaron had his chance, but NOW decides he has feelings for OP? Naw

If Mark was so concerned about Aaron's feelings for you - why did he go out with you in the first place?

Reply “That’s a surprise about Mark, I don’t see him like that - how awkward! Thank you for letting me know.”

Then if likes it’s still open for him and if he doesn’t you have kept your dignity.

Yeah, fair enough!

To be honest, I wouldn't risk my friendship with my best friend for someone I've only been dating for a couple of months either.

Obviously if it were a choice between my best friend and DP now, then I'd choose DP in a heart beat, because we've been together years, and we've built a life together.

But in those first few months of dating? I'd be choosing someone I barely knew over someone who I know I'm going to have a close relationship with for the rest of my life.

Finding someone new to date is easy, finding someone to replace any of my 3 "best" friends would be impossible.

It reminds me of small children agreeing not to argue over who gets to play with the favoured toy of the moment. They can't agree between them so they agree no one plays with the toy. And so they both go and find a different toy to play with.

No one considers the toy because it's an inanimate object and doesn't have an opinion.

That's interesting because if me dating someone was going to fracture a long standing close friendship because my friend later revealed she fancied him and was jealous, I wouldn't consider her to be much of a friend!

I wouldn't expect to be even made aware of it, tbh.

Its very much not a green flag

Its a red flag he is talking as though you are a chattel or possession and he would be infringing on his mates ownership of fancying you

You never dated Aaron...you never kissed him ! This isn't an emotive ex boyfriend situation its just a guy being a dick

I'm not saying it wouldn't damage my friendship, but to be honest we don't really know enough about that side of things for me to speculate. Maybe Aarons being a twat, but maybe he's tried to hide it but is down and someone else has told Mark why.

I'm coming from it from a slightly different position I suppose. I'm male, my oldest friend is female. I've stopped dating a couple of women over the years because they've been funny about it. To be honest, it wasn't even a decision, why would I damage a friendship with someone I've known since I was 3 for someone I might not even still be seeing in a month or two.

And with a couple of obvious exceptions, I don't see that decision changing, no matter the reason I have to make it.

If tell Mark that 'it's tough if Aaron fancies me as I don't fancy him. I fancy you.'

But ultimately if he's that much of an immature wet blanket he's probably not for you anyway.

mark is using this as an excuse or just performing guilt, or trying to get you to beg him all options are a no from me

Let him go, do not ever date Aaron. Don’t let the men folk decide which of them gets you, like you’re some object to be passed around to which ever man wins in the fight. Never ever see men fighting over you as flattering either, they’re fighting each other to win, not fighting for you specifically. See ya Mark.

I find his attitude revolting, as though Aaron had 'first dibs' on you. You are not a piece of meat.

And, as PP have said, if he was crazy about you he wouldn't give a toss what Aaron wanted. As suggested, I'd reply, 'Thanks for letting me know' and then get on with your life.

They sound like a couple of teenagers not mature men. Aaron should have asked you out.

Thought provoking.

It would put me off both of them.

Marks not that into you and using Aaron as an excuse.

Men who like you and are dating you don't give you up for other guys who have never dated you.

He's trying to fob you off. Sorry.

5 years? What is the matter with him? Why hasn't he just asked you out?

Mark is not that keen if he is taking notice of Aaron's 5 year crush..

Side note fyi, he's obviously not Aaron's friend if he's told you about the crush. So he's certainly not backing off for Aaron's benefit. Obviously.

It's just some bullshit excuse to back out. Maybe because you've slept with him. Or because he intends to string you along and get sex and then circle back to the Aaron excuse. Or maybe he's just not into you and trying to fob you off on Aaron.

Any man who tells you he is thinking of ending it snd leaves you hanging.

Get rid and move on

I would at risk of my usual tell him to fo, maybe send him a msg saying u don’t want to sound pathetic, but u don’t like Aaron bla bla even if u and him never see each other nothing will happen with Aaron. Tell him u do like him and have enjoyed his company but would rather he be
honest and if he’s not that into you just say and no hard feelings. But he can also explain to Aaron too that there will never be any hope for uz. Then move on from both of them. I’m kinda like mmmmm maybe he’s just a nice guy and genuinely feels bad or feels like he’s pinched you and just needs to hear ir just not into Aaron and of green light. Or u will always wonder.

At the risk of drip feeding (sorry) we’d gone out for dinner with a group of colleagues and bumped into Mark and others in a bar afterwards. Swapped numbers which I’m pretty sure Aaron must have been aware of at the time.

Argh that’s so annoying and random! I do feel a bit cross with Aaron. I’ve done nothing to encourage him and he’s not said a word in all the time I’ve known him.

I understand some posters saying that perhaps it’s not even true, which I’d no considered.

perhaps I do need to face on to the reality he’s not that interested. I’m in no rush to messaging Mark so I’m going to take the weekend to think.

thanks to everyone thats taken time to reply

We’ve not slept together yet - but I was a bit worried about this too