I think she’s cheating, need advice please

[ForOldTimesSake]

This one may be a little more complicated, but I’m sure everyone’s situation is complicated in their own right. My wife and I have been married for 15 years happily with normal ups/downs, have 2 little boys, and a happy life. We have had our intimacy issues, but within the last year, we have gotten much closer in that aspect. We dont argue and we talk about all kinds of stuff all the time. We do have abnormal jobs. I am home most of the time and leave for contract work about 4-6 months a year combined. She is a bartender and works late nights. I have never had a reason not to trust her. We have had lots of trust for one another.
Recently suspicious things have been happening that has been noticeable but I thought was just in my head.
Our dog died while we are out of state on vacation and we were trying to get help from some friends to help bury her since our house sitter couldn’t handle it. My brother in law comes over in the middle of night to bury her and so does this guy Matt, who used to be a coworker of hers, but got fired a while back. I asked why he was there. And she said she sent out a group text and he was the only one willing to come help that was sober.
I was on a camping trip with friends a couple weeks later and noticed on the ring camera that she came home at 8 in the morning. She has never done that. I gently asked her about it, she said she had a few drinks after work and fell asleep in her car. She wasn’t defensive and I wasn’t mad about it, but I was secretly highly suspicious.
A week later, she got off at 9:30pm but wanted to stay and have a drink with friends. I was fine with that, but wanted her to pick up a couple things before the store closed at midnight on her way home. She didn’t do it. I text her at 3 in the morning and she said she had a bad night and had too many with some friends. I told her I knew she was up to something at this point and I want to know what it is and I’m going to find out so she better just be honest. She denied everything.
We didnt talk for several days, I stayed busy, finally we talk and she makes up a bunch of stuff, has a few legitimate reasons for some things, so I brush off a lot and try to let it go. I even apologized for being so suspicious. The very next night, she doesn’t come home from work again. It’s 5:30am. I call and call. I drag the kids out of bed, go to her work, beat on the locked door, no one comes for 3-4 mins. There are a few cars still in the parking lot, which isn’t unusual because some people get rides home. One of the cars is Matt’s, her old coworker. She finally comes to the door with a look of fear, hostility, and aggressive on her face. I know her looks and antics pretty well. It’s not normal. She says I woke her up and that’s why she looked like that. She tried to immediately invite me in like I was there to inspect the place. I didn’t want to be that guy, so I denied that request and tried to tell her how irresponsible she’s being and why wouldn’t she just come home. She tried making excuses that she has been in a bad place and is making bad decisions and should have not stayed and had drinks with her friends. I asked why Matt’s car is here, she doesn’t know, everyone left hours ago. I leave a little angry because I know she’s lying.
She doesn’t get home for another 10 mins after me. I lay in bed at 6:20 in the morning, unable to sleep. Then realized I needed to see if Matt’s car is still at the bar 30 mins after she left. I rush back there and his car is the only one gone. Now I know he was there with her. Anyone with common sense could see that.

I’ve questioned and questioned her. And she is denying everything. She finally came to me and said that she has been giving him too much attention because he won’t leave her alone and that was a big mistake, but nothing else ever happen. And she was so sorry. But I don’t believe any of it at this point.
sorry this is so long winded, I’m very detailed. Please give me some good advice people. I don’t really know what to do. I grew up in a broken home and never ever wanted that for our kids, but here we are.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and I'm afraid it doesn't sound good OP. Whether anything happened or not, she's tried to cover up and deny for as long as possible that she was giving this guy too much attention. That alone is going to damage the trust between you. If you think your relationship is worth fighting for, then couples therapy might be helpful. But it's only going to work with complete honesty. You both need to look at the reasons why she was lapping up the attention from this bloke. These things usually happen ime when needs aren't being met in a relationship. It will take a lot of determination on both sides to work through and recover from this and only you can decide if the trust can be rebuilt. I really hope things are as she says, but only you can decide whether to believe her or not.

Thank you very much for your response. I need some peoples opinions. It means a lot to me in this situation. I feel very alone. I used to talk to my mom about everything, but she passed away when she was only 45 and I was 28. My wife was my rock, but now that’s broken. So I feel like an endless waterfall of hopelessness into oblivion at this point. I’m so mad and hurt.
If I can get through this and get enough truth out of her, I agree, we would need couples counseling to try and get through this.

Yes there could be something wrong but also as a woman I find your constant wanting to know,questioning, following/looking for her weird behaviours also odd and something in me says you haven't just started it and to take your kids aswell nah that doesn't sit right with me either if something went wrong or got over angry etc. There's better ways of dealing with things tbh than also looking stalker/controlish and potentially putting the kids in a bad situation.

Well I can respect that you have an opinion. But you are incorrect in your beliefs that I have been a stalker/controlling husband. Far from it actually. We both have given each other tons of healthy space and trust to enjoy our hobbies and outings. I have not been constantly questioning her. I let my suspicions build up over multiple events until enough was enough and I knew something was going on and had to find out. I have not stalked her work or outings with friends. I have given her trust until now. You would be worried too if you were a man and your wife was a bartender and not coming home at night. Worried something may have happened to her by some crazy drunk guy. Worrying when she doesn’t answer the phone over and over. She’s even admitted that something was going on with this guy and that she was giving him too much attention, but that’s it’s nothing. That to me is a clear sign of her knowing I know too much now and she knows that she has to tell me something to try and make it make sense because I know she’s lying.
Please consider these things carefully before trying to make me into a horrible husband.

Why is she staying the night at work? How does this work when you’re away for months?

I don't think you sound stalker'ish. Especially since she has admitted she's been giving someone else a lot of attention. Maybe it was unwise to take the children with you, but I can imagine emotions were running very strong.

My gut feeling (and from experience of marital problems due to exdh working away) is that having a partner who is away a lot, and an unconventional lifestyle with her working evenings, can put a lot of pressure on a relationship. Communication can be exceptionally difficult to keep going, and you've already said there have been intimacy issues.

I think you need some time to let the shock settle and prepare yourself, not only for some deep talking, but for some deep listening. Affairs (and nearly affairs) are often a symptom of something that was going wrong anyway and needs aren't being met. The only cure is lots of talking, listening and acknowledging each other’s feelings. A therapist would be very helpful in working through the difficult feelings that will inevitably come up, whether that's alone or together.

Well I’m not sure how long this has been going on with the guy. She is staying the night at work because he is there with her after she closes the bar. She won’t admit that. That is the only place I suspect she can spend time with him since we have kids with school and sport programs. She blames staying there on “having too many drinks with friends and falling asleep”. But this guy is involved and I’m 99% sure after the last event where his car left right after she did after I came to her work at 6 in the morning because I was worried about her and she wouldn’t answer the phone. (There have been past instances with crazy drunk guys there she has gone through, so I have a right to worry about that).

When I’m away on work, I work 7 days a week, about 80 hours a week until the contract is done. Usually not gone more than a month at a time. She has to juggle work, kids, school/sports during this, so she is pretty busy. But that’s the work life we have. That’s my career that pays the bills. All in all, I am home much more than someone that works a normal 40-50 hour work week all year. So I don’t think she really has time for much else, but idk now. I don’t know what she has been up to with him while I’m gone. Maybe nothing, maybe something.

Thanks for validating that I don’t sound stalker’ish. I honestly don’t think I have been either. I had no reason to be concerned until very recently when I started noticing oddities and this guy popping up. And if I ever mentioned him at all, she would say, oh Matt is a nobody and everyone makes fun of him at the bar. I suppose that was her way of trying to push away any suspicions I could have about him.
The only thing she has mentioned yesterday, which was also very hurtful and I did not agree, was that our relationship had been devolving for some time now and that we’re barely friends anymore, and more like business partners/parents. And that it’s like I don’t even like being around her anymore.
I don’t I don’t get that. I try, she tries, we go on vacations, we do fun things, we laugh, we talk about everything, we have had better sex in the last year. I just don’t agree. I feel like it’s just an excuse to take some of the guilt off her for what she has done and put it on me. Not saying I’m perfect or our marriage is, who’s is?? But we have always done pretty well together as a team, making compromises and enjoying each others company.
I know it’s going to take lots of talking between us both, which is not my strong suit when I’m already at this state of mind of hurt and anger. A therapist would definitely help in that way because I just shut down. It’s hard not to when I’m being lied to and there’s nothing I do about it.

Yep. You need to unpick all this in therapy. You might not be seeing it the same way, but she's telling you there's a problem in the relationship that's been going on some time for her. It doesn't excuse her behaviour or way of dealing with it, and it's going to take a lot of working out whose responsible for what, but you've both got to work out whether it's something you want to resolve or break up over. Give yourself some time to reflect if you can and try to keep the lines of communication open. You both need to understand what's brought you to this point, whether you stay together or not, for the sake of your kids if nothing else.

I agree with you, your words and suggestions are correct and very much appreciated. However, what should I do right now? I still don’t know what’s truly going on, I don’t know if she’s even ever going to tell me. But also, I don’t know if she’s going to stop or keep sneaking around with this guy. I can’t track all her time and why she’s not home at this time or that time when she doesn’t have a set time her shift ends. I suppose I would look a little overbearing or stalker’ish if I did. You are right, I need time to let it all settle in and we need to get therapy if we want to get everything out in the open and move forward if we both want that ultimately. But I don’t know if she is going to keep this up since she still works late at night at the same place where this guy comes in and drinks. I feel helpless in my ability to do anything about that.
Would it be wrong of me to ask her to find another job for the sake of our marriage and this situation? She’s been there for a couple years and she likes her job, so that would be a big ask. Would that even solve this issue? I don’t think it would. I just don’t know what to do right now.

FFS if you were female all the comments above would be about gathering evidence and leaving the bastard. The hypocrisy above is 🤢. Leave.

She’d be getting a new job if I were in your position. You don’t sound stalkerish either that’s ridiculous. I’m sorry but if Matt isn’t more than a friend I’ll eat my hat.

So sorry this is happening. Her behaviour is very dodgy and I wouldn’t trust a partner who behaved like that. Trust your gut!

I left my ex because of infidelity so I know how horrible it feels. Whether or not you try couple therapy I would definitely recommend you get some counselling to help you process it all. Also talk to a good friend if you can. Get it off your chest don’t bottle it up.

And know there are many people that have been through what you have been through. You are not alone and although this hurts like hell, you will get through this.

Take care

She’s lying. I’ll tell you what all the women who post here about similar situations get told - get your affairs in order. Make copies of all bank info, credit card statements, etc

You know, I’ve read a bunch of other posts on here about cheaters or similar and noticed what you say is true if it is about the husband. Sadly very true. I found it very strange after getting the one comment of being a stalker. Like wow, really? The hypocrisy is real sometimes.

Thank you, I’m thinking of bringing it up to her and see how it goes. Thank you for letting me know as well, that I don’t sound stalker’ish. I certainly don’t think so, but is alarming when another person says I’m being so.
Yea, I knew right away that Matt was more than a friend when I found out more and more. I’m just trying to get her to admit it and what has truly happened.

Thank you for your comment. I have heard from a couple close friends that I can trust to not blab to everyone (which is only a couple), to trust my gut above all else. Even if she tries to convince me it’s all in my head and I’m over exaggerating, whatever. Don’t listen, but listen to my gut and instincts, because it’s most likely correct.
If we don’t get couples counseling, I am going to get some emotional counseling, I have needed to talk to someone about so many things for years, and this will just add to it all to the point of boiling over.
I will take your advice on that one.
I can tell you, one thing that hurts more than anything is all the good memories, even very recent ones. It’s like losing someone. That’s almost how it feels. I feel like I might be losing her because of this. And all those memories run through me and bring me to tears. I can’t even look at pictures of her right now.

The advice from your friends is good. Fwiw I don't normally comment on these posts but I'd like to think my thoughts and advice would be the same to either sex tbh. I too was surprised by the lack of ltb posts!

For context, I found my self attracted to other men (not acted on though!) and raised it as an issue with my now exdh because it was destroying me. We eventually went into therapy after a brief split. I did recognise there was something fundamentally wrong for me to be having these feelings, and had therapy on my own for a while. I was attracted to things that were missing in our relationship. How we were communicating and prioritising each other, sharing responsibilities etc was key, along with acknowledging other issues. We're in a much healthier position now and both accepted a split.

So my advice stems from that experience, although your wife seems to be minimising what's gone on. Therapy can only work if she's committed to be honest and open. It's down to her to convince you that's what she wants, and you need to be clear that you'll only accept 100% honesty and effort in resolving this, because trust is already damaged. I think you do need to get your ducks in a row etc because you may decide it's too late for that and she's already crossed the line. That's where listening to your gut comes in. The onus is on her to recoginse she's been out of line and seek forgiveness with genuine intent to fully resolve.

Therapy for yourself is also a really good idea, especially for the feelings of loss related to losing your mum when you did. That must have been really difficult. I'm really sorry you're now facing this on top.

Thank you for your comments. That come from the heart and are well thought out, written, and given. She may have crossed the line already, idk yet, that’s what I’m after, the whole truth. I see that I need that before moving forward. I want this whole thing to not be as big as I think it is, but then again there is my gut feelings that I have to consider. I am going to listen when she tells me what she tells me, but she is in shut down mode right now because I am, I suppose. We talked some, but basically everything that was said has already been posted here. I’m still waiting on her to tell me the real truth. I have written a letter to give her for us to have a discussion, I can get what I really want to say out better that way in a controlled manner. We will talk in person about the letter once she reads it.

Thanks for giving some context on your past experience as well. That does help. I’ll admit, I have thought briefly at times in the last 15 years that something was missing and maybe looked at other women and thought they were attractive physically or intellectually. It was usually during the downs of our marriage. We should have gotten marriage counseling then to help us through those feelings. Because I bet she was feeling something like that too. Marriage is hard. It wonderful, but also tough. People are all different and get different feelings throughout their life. We’re both in our late 30’s now and missing something in our marriage I suppose. I honestly don’t know what it is, but maybe that’s what counseling would help with.

Relationships are very hard work and we all get it wrong at times. Being attracted to others is one thing, but it can be destructive when it turns into a longing for something different, and even worse when acted on.

Writing stuff in letters is really helpful, so that's a good move. Communicating that you're feeling like you don't know the full truth and your mind is in overdrive to work out if she's telling you everything would seem a positive thing to be doing. She needs to understand amd acknowledge the turmoil this situation has created for you. She must see that her behaviour has compromised the trust between you. Having space to work it all out is really important, both on your own and together. So very hard when there are little people to keep front and centre in the daily grind.

Sounds like she’s rewriting history to excuse her behavior. If you look on this site carefully you should find the script. It’s a script used by cheats.
Im sorry she’s investing so much skin in another game. You need to really work out what the future might look like with you guys not as a couple. Falling to pieces isn’t going to help you unfortunately.
Ask her to read the book Not Just Friends.

Reminder: there are 2 little children in the centre of this. Upping and leaving is all very well, what about those poor kids.

i think the OP and their wife need to work a lot harder to prioritise their children. There is so little mentioned about them it's disturbing. What sort of life is it for them with the wife off socialising and the husband working away for weeks at a time.

Going against the grain a little here, but is it possible she’s developed a problem with alcohol? You mentioned that she’d sent a group text out for help, and that nobody was sober except Matt - which suggests a drinking culture among her friends, and that Matt might not be as involved in this as others. While I understand the suspicion, Matt’s car still being there could just mean he was slightly over the limit and chose to get home some other way - around 6.30am isn’t a hugely unusual time to go fetch your car in the morning (when we worked in bars, myself and others often used to go collect our cars around 6.30-7am). Who did the other cars belong to; did they suggest other friends of hers might still be there too?

I’m saying this because I knew a guy (who also worked in a bar) who behaved like this, increasingly over time. He didn’t want people to know there was an issue, so he was acting quite shady while this was all going on. He was being irresponsible and letting people down, then when he sobered up he was embarrassed that he’d been drunk again. He’d disappear for days then come up with an (unbelievable) excuse, or not turn up to places he’d agreed to be, and there was a lot of claiming he’d been ‘so tired’ that he’d fallen asleep, too. Working in a bar was the worst thing for him; while most staff stayed for a drink after closing, he’d regularly go way too far.

Of course, you might be right and she could be having an affair…she just doesn’t seem to be trying to hide it particularly well if that’s the case, so I wonder if something else is going on that you might not have thought of.

Well she might be an alcoholic AND a cheat but she certainly is looking like a cheat. Yes she needs a different job if there’s any hope of salvaging anything. You know the guy was there because of the car - what has she actually said about that ? If you were a woman OP half these posters would have the husbands belongings in bin bags out the front and the locks changed so I’m not sure what advice there is to give.

I will say that going away for long periods of time is very very tedious even if it’s paying the bills. Not trying to excuse anything from your wife. My dad worked on an oil rig and my mum ended up having an affair and they got divorced when I was about 10. You leaving again puts a bit of pressure on the relationship to be “ resolved” before your next trip. When are you next due to go away?

if she has a drinking problem she also doesn’t need to be working in a bar.