I think she’s cheating, need advice please

[ForOldTimesSake]

This one may be a little more complicated, but I’m sure everyone’s situation is complicated in their own right. My wife and I have been married for 15 years happily with normal ups/downs, have 2 little boys, and a happy life. We have had our intimacy issues, but within the last year, we have gotten much closer in that aspect. We dont argue and we talk about all kinds of stuff all the time. We do have abnormal jobs. I am home most of the time and leave for contract work about 4-6 months a year combined. She is a bartender and works late nights. I have never had a reason not to trust her. We have had lots of trust for one another.
Recently suspicious things have been happening that has been noticeable but I thought was just in my head.
Our dog died while we are out of state on vacation and we were trying to get help from some friends to help bury her since our house sitter couldn’t handle it. My brother in law comes over in the middle of night to bury her and so does this guy Matt, who used to be a coworker of hers, but got fired a while back. I asked why he was there. And she said she sent out a group text and he was the only one willing to come help that was sober.
I was on a camping trip with friends a couple weeks later and noticed on the ring camera that she came home at 8 in the morning. She has never done that. I gently asked her about it, she said she had a few drinks after work and fell asleep in her car. She wasn’t defensive and I wasn’t mad about it, but I was secretly highly suspicious.
A week later, she got off at 9:30pm but wanted to stay and have a drink with friends. I was fine with that, but wanted her to pick up a couple things before the store closed at midnight on her way home. She didn’t do it. I text her at 3 in the morning and she said she had a bad night and had too many with some friends. I told her I knew she was up to something at this point and I want to know what it is and I’m going to find out so she better just be honest. She denied everything.
We didnt talk for several days, I stayed busy, finally we talk and she makes up a bunch of stuff, has a few legitimate reasons for some things, so I brush off a lot and try to let it go. I even apologized for being so suspicious. The very next night, she doesn’t come home from work again. It’s 5:30am. I call and call. I drag the kids out of bed, go to her work, beat on the locked door, no one comes for 3-4 mins. There are a few cars still in the parking lot, which isn’t unusual because some people get rides home. One of the cars is Matt’s, her old coworker. She finally comes to the door with a look of fear, hostility, and aggressive on her face. I know her looks and antics pretty well. It’s not normal. She says I woke her up and that’s why she looked like that. She tried to immediately invite me in like I was there to inspect the place. I didn’t want to be that guy, so I denied that request and tried to tell her how irresponsible she’s being and why wouldn’t she just come home. She tried making excuses that she has been in a bad place and is making bad decisions and should have not stayed and had drinks with her friends. I asked why Matt’s car is here, she doesn’t know, everyone left hours ago. I leave a little angry because I know she’s lying.
She doesn’t get home for another 10 mins after me. I lay in bed at 6:20 in the morning, unable to sleep. Then realized I needed to see if Matt’s car is still at the bar 30 mins after she left. I rush back there and his car is the only one gone. Now I know he was there with her. Anyone with common sense could see that.

I’ve questioned and questioned her. And she is denying everything. She finally came to me and said that she has been giving him too much attention because he won’t leave her alone and that was a big mistake, but nothing else ever happen. And she was so sorry. But I don’t believe any of it at this point.
sorry this is so long winded, I’m very detailed. Please give me some good advice people. I don’t really know what to do. I grew up in a broken home and never ever wanted that for our kids, but here we are.

Sorry but she’s having an affair. The choices she is making in terms of being out all night given a. That’s she’s married but b. Has kids tells you all you need to know. I doubt you’ll get the whole truth, which I think you need in order to forgive and move on (if that’s what you want). I also think this drip feeding of lie upon lie (he won’t leave me alone) is the classic script of someone having an affair. You away working means you’ll struggle to trust her or indeed know what she’s up to if she does end it with Matt and choose you. I’m sorry but in your situation I would end the marriage and I wouldn’t throw away a good marriage easily.

Thanks for your advice. I looked the book up and it sounds like a great book that we both could use. I will get this book even if it’s just for me and my healing and understanding.
I’m trying to hold it together. I’ve been more in a neutral state of mind today, letting it all sink in I guess.

Thank you for your comment and advice. I’m afraid I will not get the whole truth either. I’m scared of the whole truth, but I have to know it. I can’t live like that in the unknown.
Thanks for confirming you see the classic behavior as well of someone having an affair.
Going out of town for work is a whole different stepping stone of trust to get over if we ever get that far at this point. I don’t know if it’s doable. I think counseling is going to have to help with that part and I’m going to have to know where is at when I’m gone, but without that making our relationship unhealthy. That’s tricky.
I am just trying to get through one day at a time until I get enough info of what has happened to make a decision. I appreciate you and everyone’s comments to help along the way.

We actually spend a ton of time with our kids. We homeschool them, take them on vacations as much as possible, go to museums, parks, camping trips, sports events, fishing, all kids of stuff. We’re able to do that because of our work schedules. I work a total of 4-6 months a year and only gone for no more than a month at a time, sometimes it’s only a couple weeks. The rest of the year I am with my wife and kids which is much more time than someone that works 40-50 hours a week and their kids go to public school.
My kids are prioritized. That is one of the reasons this is so freaking hard. Please don’t devalue my family dynamic like that’s the problem.

You don't have to make any decisions until you're ready. You're perfectly entitled to ask for space while you weigh up what's infront of you and your next steps. That includes getting your ducks in a row. Even if that's simply due the slow reveal of "giving this guy more attention than she should" and the shadow this has cast on your trust in her. Big decisions made in haste, especially if fuelled by hurt and anger and where there is only suspicion rather than evidence, only make things worse imo, especially for the children. Take as much time as you need. Make an appt with relate or similar and get an assessment booked in. Some relationship counsellors will work with you individually as well as together and can be there to look at a split as well as staying together.

She's having a fling with Matt. Stop pussy footing around her and ask her straight What Is Happening? You know its true so what can you lose? Ask her what she wants to do, it may shock her out of it.

There could be a drinking problem creeping in. She’s never had one before. We both like alcohol. But have never to an extreme to get drunk. I used to actually be a beer brewer. Here lately I have noticed her drinking a little more, but not enough to raise much concern, but maybe I wasn’t seeing it all, maybe she has been drinking a lot at the bar too that I wasn’t aware of. Maybe this guy started being flirty with her, then making moves on her, then she stays there with him after everyone leaves for hours until daylight. How many times? I don’t know. I think, at the very least 2-3 times.
Yes you are right about the type of comments I would get if I was a woman. Sadly. I have read plenty of other posts about suspicious husbands and all the comments were leave, leave, leave. Didn’t matter about the kids, how many years, circumstances, nothing.
My career, I just don’t see that changing. I worked a lot of crap jobs before finally landing this one that pays so so much more money than we ever made in the past. It just requires me to leave sometimes. I work around home half of the time too. Everything here in America is just too expensive and good paying jobs are hard to get nowadays. If I got a different career, we would have to sell the house and downgrade for sure.
I never know when I’m leaving, it’s all spontaneous contract work I get called to do.
I have offered to bring her and the kids with me if we got a little camper since we homeschool them, but she’s not fond of the idea.

It sounds like you have a great job that pays well and works for you, even if it is difficult to plan around, so you definitely shouldn’t be looking at a career change. It must be really difficult for you to be away from your family so much, but I can see why she’s not keen on living in a camper; that would be pretty hard with kids! If there is a drinking problem, it would be a good idea for her to change jobs, regardless of whether she’s cheating or not, though. Do you think she’d be open to talking about that?

Personally, I don’t think people immediately advising to leave is always helpful. If there’s abuse, or hard evidence of cheating, it might be the best course of action…but in some cases suspicions are unfounded or misdirected, and when there are children involved it’s often at least worth trying to talk before deciding on a divorce. I’d have said the same if it was a man or a woman behaving like this - the behaviour is suspicious, I’m not surprised you’re unsettled by it and wondering what the hell is going on, cheating is definitely a possibility…but it could be something else too.

Maybe this guy started being flirty with her, then making moves on her, then she stays there with him after everyone leaves for hours until daylight. How many times? I don’t know. I think, at the very least 2-3 times.
While this theory is based on some circumstantial evidence, you seem to be filling in a lot of gaps by imagining the rest. It’s hard for strangers on the internet to say whether she’s definitely cheating or not, as we only have partial information, but if she was - what would you do? Would you definitely want to divorce?

On the off chance she’s not cheating - what would happen if you accused her?

All you can really do is decide whether you want to repair the relationship, or if you feel her behaviour has gone too far for you to want to continue. It’s a horrible situation to be in, and not an easy decision to make, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.