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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ragey Brother - can anyone give opinions on this?

42 replies

DJClub · 08/08/2025 17:51

Hi, NC for this but I would really like some independent advice or opinions on what is the matter with my brother and what can be done.

I come from a large family with many siblings, and all of us are close except one brother who has been on and off estranged (his choice) and is always causing fights.

He can be lovely, kind, funny, engaging, but he is also judgmental, at times very cruel, confrontational, demeaning, aggressive and sometimes verbally abusive to an extreme level.

He is married, and the wife is similarly sometimes nice but then at times extremely abusive to our family. None of us really communicate with her at all because she is terrifying.

There isn't, as far as any of us know, any reason for this. He believes he was loved less or excluded but the truth is everyone is scared of him (including our parents).

We are all now in our 40s and 50s, and parents are in their 70s and it's becoming a source of a lot of pain for my sisters and parents that we can't seem to have even basic civil relations with him on a consistent basis.

Myself and Mum in particular bend over backwards to be nice to him, but it's constantly walking on eggshells, he just snaps and sends offensive, demeaning messages over basically nothing.

Then he will launch into some huge tantrum and screenshot his conversations and send them to everyone like a toddler. It is so weird and we have no idea why he does it.

Those of us who don't fight back get it less bad, but one of my siblings and my father do answer him back, and that just escalates it even further. He sends seriously abusive message to my elderly father that to be honest have me very worried as my father is old and not in the best health.

I have tried talking to him, I have told him he is a bully and that we love him but he needs to stop but he has a 4 - 6 week cycle before he does it again and he has made various other family members ill from stress.

Can anyone explain this sort of personality to me? It is so counter productive as we are genuinely not trying to do anything at all but get along and he just completely loses it over almost nothing.

Help!

OP posts:
Dolamroth · 08/08/2025 17:54

I would just stop bothering with him altogether. He obviously isn't very nice.

Original poster
DJClub · 08/08/2025 18:12

It feels really sad to just have an estranged sibling :(

OP posts:
cramptramp · 08/08/2025 18:14

You’ve got a choice. Continue putting up with his vile behaviour (he’s not going to change) or cut him out of your life. I’d advise cutting him out of your life.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 08/08/2025 18:16

You call him kind, but he isn’t, is he. He is a cruel person who will occasionally behave in a reasonable way. Kind people don’t behave like him. If he was my brother he would have been told to fuck right off years ago.

user764329056 · 08/08/2025 18:19

He’s behaving this way because you allow it, no point trying to bargain with him, put boundaries in place and stick to them

Original poster
DJClub · 08/08/2025 18:22

But why does he do it? I don't understand the point?

OP posts:
cramptramp · 08/08/2025 18:24

DJClub · 08/08/2025 18:12

It feels really sad to just have an estranged sibling :(

Why? Just because he’s a family member doesn’t mean he deserves your contact or consideration. He’s horrible.

speakball · 08/08/2025 18:24

What was he like as a child? When did he become aggressive?

cramptramp · 08/08/2025 18:25

DJClub · 08/08/2025 18:22

But why does he do it? I don't understand the point?

Because he can.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 08/08/2025 18:27

DJClub · 08/08/2025 18:12

It feels really sad to just have an estranged sibling :(

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I promise you it’s WONDERFUL.

FreddysFingers · 08/08/2025 18:28

No contact. I wouldn't put up for this.

Original poster
DJClub · 08/08/2025 18:30

speakball · 08/08/2025 18:24

What was he like as a child? When did he become aggressive?

He was cute, sweet and funny as a kid. He started becoming aggressive in his early 20s. He started off with being really rude to service providers. So like he would scream at and demean them. He then started saying needlessly cruel things. Like I remember after I had my baby he told me I used to be pretty but now I was fat and it was embarrassing. Then it escalated over the years. Got much worse after he married.

The wife, interestingly, is similarly abusive but he's scared of her. She really puts him down I'm front of people and so on. It's cringe. His wife has also screamed at and been extremely verbally abusive to both my parents. She's a doctor, so it's particularly odd that she's got no manners.

OP posts:
Illegally18 · 08/08/2025 18:32

DJClub · 08/08/2025 17:51

Hi, NC for this but I would really like some independent advice or opinions on what is the matter with my brother and what can be done.

I come from a large family with many siblings, and all of us are close except one brother who has been on and off estranged (his choice) and is always causing fights.

He can be lovely, kind, funny, engaging, but he is also judgmental, at times very cruel, confrontational, demeaning, aggressive and sometimes verbally abusive to an extreme level.

He is married, and the wife is similarly sometimes nice but then at times extremely abusive to our family. None of us really communicate with her at all because she is terrifying.

There isn't, as far as any of us know, any reason for this. He believes he was loved less or excluded but the truth is everyone is scared of him (including our parents).

We are all now in our 40s and 50s, and parents are in their 70s and it's becoming a source of a lot of pain for my sisters and parents that we can't seem to have even basic civil relations with him on a consistent basis.

Myself and Mum in particular bend over backwards to be nice to him, but it's constantly walking on eggshells, he just snaps and sends offensive, demeaning messages over basically nothing.

Then he will launch into some huge tantrum and screenshot his conversations and send them to everyone like a toddler. It is so weird and we have no idea why he does it.

Those of us who don't fight back get it less bad, but one of my siblings and my father do answer him back, and that just escalates it even further. He sends seriously abusive message to my elderly father that to be honest have me very worried as my father is old and not in the best health.

I have tried talking to him, I have told him he is a bully and that we love him but he needs to stop but he has a 4 - 6 week cycle before he does it again and he has made various other family members ill from stress.

Can anyone explain this sort of personality to me? It is so counter productive as we are genuinely not trying to do anything at all but get along and he just completely loses it over almost nothing.

Help!

OP, he has a mental health problem that none of you can identify.. (I don't know what it is.) He needs help. You can suggest this to him. But you can't force him. But you to need to PROTECT YOUR PARENTS. You can also go to your local council for safeguarding elderly people, for mental, verbal or possibly physical abuse. Go to your GP, or your local council. An estranged child /sibling is a horrible thing, but your parents and yourselves must protect yourselves first. (BTW, I've been there).

Original poster
DJClub · 08/08/2025 18:35

Illegally18 · 08/08/2025 18:32

OP, he has a mental health problem that none of you can identify.. (I don't know what it is.) He needs help. You can suggest this to him. But you can't force him. But you to need to PROTECT YOUR PARENTS. You can also go to your local council for safeguarding elderly people, for mental, verbal or possibly physical abuse. Go to your GP, or your local council. An estranged child /sibling is a horrible thing, but your parents and yourselves must protect yourselves first. (BTW, I've been there).

Show quote history

Thanks for this. He's only ever abusive by emails ir text, he lives miles away from my parents but today after he sent some really awful texts to my father my father looked really not well and I was concerned. I've had him block him now. I feel like today's outburst was probably the last straw and after years of trying to build bridges I think I'm ready to give up.

OP posts:
speakball · 08/08/2025 18:39

So he just became very angry in his 20’s? Have the rest of you ever wondered together why he underwent a massive personality change?

Cynic17 · 08/08/2025 18:39

OP, you obviously dislike your brother and his wife (which is fine, of course), so why are you still trying to maintain a relationship with them?
Lots of siblings drift apart in adulthood, it's not a big deal, just a reflection of different personalities.
Save yourself the hassle, and keep things simple.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/08/2025 19:03

Has it ever occurred to you Op that by being so difficult he's managed to make himself the centre of attention in your whole family?

Original poster
DJClub · 08/08/2025 19:05

speakball · 08/08/2025 18:39

So he just became very angry in his 20’s? Have the rest of you ever wondered together why he underwent a massive personality change?

We did. But he had a bad breakup and distanced himself

OP posts:
SapphOhNo · 08/08/2025 19:07

He does it because he is permitted to do it. And enabled to by not holding him to account

As a family you need to collectively tell him his behaviour is not acceptable. And follow through in removing him from your lives if he continues.

Original poster
DJClub · 08/08/2025 19:25

Do some people just enjoy conflict or demeaning other people?

It doesn't benefit his life, in fact it causes him huge problems so it seems very counter productive.

OP posts:
Illegally18 · 08/08/2025 20:16

DJClub · 08/08/2025 18:30

He was cute, sweet and funny as a kid. He started becoming aggressive in his early 20s. He started off with being really rude to service providers. So like he would scream at and demean them. He then started saying needlessly cruel things. Like I remember after I had my baby he told me I used to be pretty but now I was fat and it was embarrassing. Then it escalated over the years. Got much worse after he married.

The wife, interestingly, is similarly abusive but he's scared of her. She really puts him down I'm front of people and so on. It's cringe. His wife has also screamed at and been extremely verbally abusive to both my parents. She's a doctor, so it's particularly odd that she's got no manners.

Show quote history

My brother was sweet and happy, then things changed when he hit 18 or so. But you need to notify authorities and protect yourselves.

Original poster
DJClub · 08/08/2025 20:23

I was really just hoping for ideas of how to resolve things with someone like this but it sounds a bit like I have to just accept being estranged

OP posts:
CanOfMangoTango · 08/08/2025 20:31

You can't "resolve things" with someone who has no interest in changing their behaviour.

This is who he is.

Seaoftroubles · 08/08/2025 20:34

OP, you can't change him. lf he's that difficult none of you will be able to resolve his issues. Far better that you all go no contact, you've blocked him now which is a good start. Please encourage your parents to do the same, especially your Dad who sounds vulnerable.

MyAcornWood · 08/08/2025 20:34

CanOfMangoTango · 08/08/2025 20:31

You can't "resolve things" with someone who has no interest in changing their behaviour.

This is who he is.

This. Y’all can keep flogging that dead horse but at some point, sooner or later, it’s kinder to yourselves to admit defeat and call it a day with trying.