Ragey Brother - can anyone give opinions on this?

[DJClub]

Hi, NC for this but I would really like some independent advice or opinions on what is the matter with my brother and what can be done.

I come from a large family with many siblings, and all of us are close except one brother who has been on and off estranged (his choice) and is always causing fights.

He can be lovely, kind, funny, engaging, but he is also judgmental, at times very cruel, confrontational, demeaning, aggressive and sometimes verbally abusive to an extreme level.

He is married, and the wife is similarly sometimes nice but then at times extremely abusive to our family. None of us really communicate with her at all because she is terrifying.

There isn't, as far as any of us know, any reason for this. He believes he was loved less or excluded but the truth is everyone is scared of him (including our parents).

We are all now in our 40s and 50s, and parents are in their 70s and it's becoming a source of a lot of pain for my sisters and parents that we can't seem to have even basic civil relations with him on a consistent basis.

Myself and Mum in particular bend over backwards to be nice to him, but it's constantly walking on eggshells, he just snaps and sends offensive, demeaning messages over basically nothing.

Then he will launch into some huge tantrum and screenshot his conversations and send them to everyone like a toddler. It is so weird and we have no idea why he does it.

Those of us who don't fight back get it less bad, but one of my siblings and my father do answer him back, and that just escalates it even further. He sends seriously abusive message to my elderly father that to be honest have me very worried as my father is old and not in the best health.

I have tried talking to him, I have told him he is a bully and that we love him but he needs to stop but he has a 4 - 6 week cycle before he does it again and he has made various other family members ill from stress.

Can anyone explain this sort of personality to me? It is so counter productive as we are genuinely not trying to do anything at all but get along and he just completely loses it over almost nothing.

Help!

Or, that is he is now . But you can't force him. But nobody on mumsnet can give help, because we're online.

He is more interested in 'being right' than 'being a good son/brother/friend/person'.

Well thanks everyone, this has been helpful if sad!

You might find Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that's an interesting read. There's a pdf free online but I've screenshot a page about asking 'why' they do it.

Agree with PP that your bro has managed to make the whole family dance around him, giving him the attention he obviously craves.

I'd cut off the pipeline of attention personally but I'm an only child so find sibling relationships a bit bemusing.

Doesnt sound like hes happy in his life. I wonder if his wife is abusive to him which gives a knock on effect. You could try to reach out to him a further time to see if he needs help leaving? Say everything youve written about him being nice growing up then personality change. Say about worries with dad and age etc. at the end of the day hes 40 yrs old. He most probably wont change but you can then go no contact knowing you gave it your best. Dont feel bad. Tbh being estranged is not uncommon.

I have one sibling, my lovely DM’s first born son. I don’t refer to him as “brother”. He is quite the piece of work and I have been NC for years - it’s liberating. I believe he has some sort of narcissistic personality disorder, but I simply just don’t care - he’s nothing to do with me and not my problem. I don’t believe it would be “sad” to be estranged, as you put it. It’s not “sad” to have healthy boundaries and protect yourself and loved ones from the damage caused by a toxic person. That’s self-preservation. Aren’t you sick of tip-toeing around him and pandering to him, only for to abuse and berate you all? I think it’s time for some backbone!

Why are you all giving him the ammunition to use against you?
Be civil when you meet, but that's it.

I have a similar family situation. I decided to let go and not try or care. It’s liberating.

You will drive yourself nuts with this
It doesn't matter and you can't fix him. Your options are to put up with his awful behaviour and the fallout or just roll over.
Focus on your own relationships with your family and leave him to it

Would it make a difference to know why he does it? Let’s go through the possibilities.
personality disorder
neurodiversity
anger issues
bullied or abused by wife
frustrated with his life
blames family for his problems
something else

if you found out it was one of those, what could you do?
The answer is the same no matter what it is. You let him know his behaviour is hurtful and unacceptable and you reduce contact.
Unless he wants to change, no one else can do anything.

It benefits him in some way, just not one that is obvious to you.

From what you have written:

It helps with his relationship with his wife
It means he gets out of going to family events he doesn't want to
It gets his family members running around after him and fawning over him

There are probably a lot more.

I think its time to cut him off.
The cost of having him able to use you all as emotional punch bags is too high.

@DJClub I could’ve written this.

my DB is very similar. I’ll get offensive text messages at random times because he has basically been having an argument with me in his head ( often about a trivial matter )

Or recently, my DM told him I was on work trip to NYC. Just in a passing ‘how’s Verydemure doing?’ Convo.

a week later, bombarded by texts about my terrible parenting, how I’m neglecting my kids in favour of career. Pure madness. He never pays DC any attention- apart from sending a few quid at birthdays and Xmas.

goes round to help my parents with some basic IT task…my DM calls me in a state of panic and anxiety and visibly shaken as he has kicked off massively and been shouting and screaming at my elderly parents.

My DF is same as yours which causes real issues.

the reason? I think my DB has mental health issues. If he was a woman, it would be diagnosed as a borderline personality disorder.

when he is on form, he can be charming, witty fun and kind.

I also suspect my DB has ADHD. My DS has it, and now I’m more aware of it, I think ADHD/ autism is relatively prevalent in my family. I’d also think there’s autism there too. he was a very disruptive/ naughty child. Always up to mischief. ( though could be very kind and sweet- lots of relatives adored him and thought he was just misunderstood.)

I bring up ND- not because it’s an excuse for his current behaviour but because when he was growing up in the 80’s /90’s it wasn’t handled well. He was always being shouted at, kicked out of clubs and activities, getting detentions at schools.

My DF couldn’t handle him. DF very authoritarian and strict with him, which I think badly damaged my DB. He feels like he was just shouted at constantly. That’s true sadly, but I think it badly damaged him.

the behaviour is as a result of this trauma.

The answer? Im afraid it’s not in my hands. My DB needs therapy but kicked off when I suggested it.

Ive quietly distanced myself. Have gone very low contact. I’m only in touch because of my elderly parents, but when they die I’m cutting him off completely.

Ive spent years trying to mend and fix our relationship, but it’s impossible. I’ve realised now we’re both in 40’s that he’ll never change, so all I can change is the headspace I give it. Have recently come to conclusion that DB is actually incredibly abusive and misogynistic ( hence the work trip anger)

I’m really sorry to give that bad news, but I wish I’d given up years ago. Focus on the loved ones who make you happy.

obviously if he does the work and tried to change, then great. But it’s out of your hands.

I’m in a similar position. My sibling felt they weren’t loved, they weren’t given enough. They went NC several times and we always pleaded with them to come back. I’m guessing now that they felt unloved etc because them coming back was dependent upon us asking no questions why they’d dropped us so nothing could ever be resolved. The problem lay dormant until they kicked off the next time. We went with that because we loved them and didn’t want to be estranged from them.

It been years since I heard from them and it makes me so sad. That sadness gets worse as time goes on. So I’m one of the few people who will say persevere.

Maybe writing a letter explaining how you feel and reassuring them that they are loved would help. It would give them the chance to mull it over in their own time. I would include how they make everyone feel when they lash out and tell them that has to stop. They need to find a way of saying how they feel without all the rage. And that those sort of conversations will be cut short until they have calmed down.

It sounds like he may have found a kindred spirit in his wife- another angry person. They will be approving, if not inflaming, each other’s behaviour. They may have a them and us view of your family and that reinforces the problem. If you can find a way of having a better relationship with his wife, that might ease things.

You shouldn’t have to do all this just to have a peaceful relationship with someone, especially a family member. There should be consequences for such hostile behaviour if they won’t change. But I wish I had been able to communicate better with my sibling. NC is probably for the best but it still hurts.

Sounds like my brother!

I eventually cut him off.

The peace and quite is so lovely!

You get used to it

And with someone as abusive as that, life is a lot better without them

Can I ask, have any of you got POA for your parents?

I would put this in place ASAP if you haven't