OLD - would this give you the ick?

[nocontactquery]

Interested in if I'm being too sensitive (although I plan to unmatch anyway!)

Exchanged a few messages with a guy on a dating app - literally just about 3 or 3 back and forth each. We both work in the same profession which requires a degree and postgraduate qualifications (know this as we have our jobs on our profile). So he knows I've got brains.

Both (supposedly re him!) say we want a serious relationship. I'm late 30s and he's early 40s.

He's just sent a message saying how he's only been on the apps a few weeks then "You're ticking the pretty, nice smile and in good shape boxes!" (I didn't ask/it was an unprompted comment).

I've not got any revealing pictures on my profile at all - I have a full length pic of me and a few close ups and a few "doing things" - like outdoorsy etc.

I just got the massive ick and makes me feel like he's only looking for something superficial/all he's interested in about me is my "looks". (And, in fact, I feel quite self conscious about NOT being in good shape - and this might be what's triggered me a bit. I'm a size 12 but not particularly fit or healthy (bad cellulite etc and hate my thighs/bum). It's just made me feel like not only is that all he values but also, even if he did turn out to be a decent guy, he'd be disappointed when he sees me out of clothes and decides I'm not really in "good shape".

I've replied saying it sounds very surface level and I don't like getting reduced to a list of physical tick boxes so I hope he finds what he's looking for.

I get he was probably trying to compliment me (?) but telling me he has a tick box list and only commenting on the superficial just seems off. Especially as he would know my my job that I've got brains and I've also put other things I'm interested in on my profile etc.

Am I being too sensitive?

I don't think it's just based on looks at this stage it depends how the person presents themselves, what they write in their profile, their choice of photos whether you have any of the same interests, looks is a part of it but not everything.

I think not wanting compliments about appearance may be a little more unusual in OLD where first impressions count.

Before having men take up too much of your time, you should put a line in your profile that you don’t want any comments about your appearance. Then that gives an idea what you are looking for and men will know not to make these remarks.

They won’t know you don’t like it unless you tell them straight.

OLD probably isnt for you if you are this over sensative over a harmless compliment. Physical attraction is important whilst dating as well.

You were absolutely right in your instincts.

Not sure if someone’s already mentioned it, but do take a look at Jennie Young’s Burnt Haystack approach to dating, she has a Facebook group that is a goldmine of tips. She talks about this sort of thing frequently.

Sounds like he was trying to be nice and if you've not met, he doesn't have much to go on. You are being too sensitive and too serious for this stage of OLD.

I mean in good shape isn’t really giving any vibe that weight is a primary concern of his, it was just a compliment, and he can hardly compliment your brains, it doesn’t matter though, it’s over and won’t go further, as he will have the ick now too, there was no way for him to know he can’t basically tell you he thinks you’re attractive,, which is all he did.

id maybe focus on your self esteem and insecurities round your body image, this man is not obsessed with your body or weight, he simply gave a flirty compliment. There was no way for him to know and there was no way for you to project as you did onto him. Good luck,

I guess that rather than just block you could pick him up on the comment and say ' thanks for the compliment but if being in good shape it's one of your priorities in life I am not sure we're are compatible. I am not interested in going to the gym and would not want to be with someone who was obsessed with their body shape and constantly working out.' Then if you have misunderstood him he has the opportunity to explain himself.
I do totally get your POV though. I have always been overweight and am so thankful for a husband who loves ME and accepts my body.

Thanks. This is exactly how I feel. I never match with someone who hasn't written anything on their profile (or has made a really half arsed attempt) as that implies to be that they think their looks are all that matters and they're not trying to get across who they are or what they're looking for.

I think I was perhaps a little sensitive but I also think trusting my instincts has always fared well for me in OLD whenever I've been on it before. Like I said, I've never had any of the bad experiences with OLD or dates that others appear to have had so clearly my filtering system is pretty good. Yes I may be missing out on a few decent men who I've prejudged etc but I've no doubt missed out of a ton of unsuitable ones.

I agree that perhaps I could have changed the subject or made a different reply and seen if he went back to that comment (and perhaps that's what I'll do if it ever happens in future- thanks for that suggestion) But I also think the fact that he (and maybe one other guy years ago) is the only one to have ever made a similar comment re my body shows that it's certainly not all men who feel the need to comment like this!

I wouldn’t like it. He’s saying things about ticking boxes that should be left unsaid! I think better to save a nice compliment about appearance for when you have at least met and know you’re both keen. And even then the phrasing needs work!

Isn’t OLD just a series of tick boxes at the start though?

I must admit, I’d prefer- ‘you seem interesting, tell me a bit about yourself’, though.