OLD - would this give you the ick?

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Interested in if I'm being too sensitive (although I plan to unmatch anyway!)

Exchanged a few messages with a guy on a dating app - literally just about 3 or 3 back and forth each. We both work in the same profession which requires a degree and postgraduate qualifications (know this as we have our jobs on our profile). So he knows I've got brains.

Both (supposedly re him!) say we want a serious relationship. I'm late 30s and he's early 40s.

He's just sent a message saying how he's only been on the apps a few weeks then "You're ticking the pretty, nice smile and in good shape boxes!" (I didn't ask/it was an unprompted comment).

I've not got any revealing pictures on my profile at all - I have a full length pic of me and a few close ups and a few "doing things" - like outdoorsy etc.

I just got the massive ick and makes me feel like he's only looking for something superficial/all he's interested in about me is my "looks". (And, in fact, I feel quite self conscious about NOT being in good shape - and this might be what's triggered me a bit. I'm a size 12 but not particularly fit or healthy (bad cellulite etc and hate my thighs/bum). It's just made me feel like not only is that all he values but also, even if he did turn out to be a decent guy, he'd be disappointed when he sees me out of clothes and decides I'm not really in "good shape".

I've replied saying it sounds very surface level and I don't like getting reduced to a list of physical tick boxes so I hope he finds what he's looking for.

I get he was probably trying to compliment me (?) but telling me he has a tick box list and only commenting on the superficial just seems off. Especially as he would know my my job that I've got brains and I've also put other things I'm interested in on my profile etc.

Am I being too sensitive?

Absolutely.

Pretty - inoffensive

Nice smile - about as inoffensive as it gets

Good shape - reasonable state of health and/or fitness; fairly active; not going to turn down a walk in the park because it's boring or raining - again inoffensive.

I really can't see what there is to he offended by.

Yes you are being sensitive. He likes how you look and is complimenting you. I have done the same when I have matched with a very good looking man. Your insecurities about how you actually feel about yourself have nothing to do with him. He doesn't know you well, so how can he compliment you on your personality traits? In fact when men say things like you are so clever, witty etc. at the start are superficial compliments since they don't even know you!
In any case none of this matters now since you have unmatched with him.

I mean its a bit of crap line but i think he's just trying to say he thinks you're attractive.

I think it was probably just his clumsy attempt at paying a compliment.

But if it annoyed you, you've done the right thing for you. Don't worry about it.

I’m too quick to judge and I think you are being. It’s just a comment. I wouldn’t write him off for that

I am put off by men who mention physical appearance pretty much straight away. I’m sure they think it’s a compliment, but when nearly all men start like that it paints a bigger picture about how they see women and where their intentions truly lie. It just feels like they’re sticking to the accepted default script.

In real life life if you met him and in the flow of conversation he said you were pretty and had a nice smaller ans in good shape you would be annoyed?

Its called flirting and making flattering comments to make the other person feel good about them self.

You sound extremely uptight and looking to pick faults.

I just think it’s a bit crass and cringey at this stage. If you respond to someone on a dating site it’s sort of implied that you like the way they look and hope for more than friendship. It’s the breaking it down into tick box features at this stage that’s a bit sad. I wouldn’t have a problem with physical compliments later on if things are moving forward. I guess it’s more about compatibility- one person’s cringe is fine for another person - but I don’t think it’s overly fussy to identify the incompatibility through this.

It was a compliment. He is interested.

But l, before you've met, it literally is just a tick box exercise. Everyone knows that.

No one thinks meeting online is going to be the greatest love story ever told.

Poor guy . Am sure he was just paying hou a compliment and you shoved it back in his face lol

Thanks for the different view points. Interesting how many people think it's fine. I resonate more with this comment though and some others. I feel like it's obvious we like the look of each other on the pics and (I had hoped!) what else has been written on the profile. So don't need to comment on it? I think I also worry that "being in good shape" is such a high priority to him. I would rather end up with someone who doesn't care if I put on/lose some weight,

I've been on dating apps on and off for years so I'm familiar with them. I think I've had a comment about my body maybe once ever before and that was when I ignored my instincts and matched with someone I had a bit of a concern about based on his pics (topless pics etc). I now avoid anyone who has gym selfies or topless photos as I feel like it's showing me that they really value looks/physical attraction and I don't like that. I've actually always had a really track record (meeting decent men, nice guys, no d**k pics or anything like that ever) so maybe I've got overly harsh criteria but it seems to be working.

I agree it's maybe more my insecurities to have such a strong reaction to it though. But even the comment about "ticking the boxes" just sounds so superficial/objectifying? Ok maybe think it in your head but why say it to someone!

It's up to you, ultimately, OP.

But it's not something that would instantly jump out to me. Everyone knows it's a tick box exercise at this stage.

And I really don't think the 'good shape' comment is about body shape or weight. But it's not your first OLD rodeo so you have to go with what feels right for you

He's being nice.

"Ticking the boxes" is a common idiom, he probably doesn't have a literal tick box list.

OLD apps are necessarily very looks focused because they're not a great way of judging much about a person beyond their looks.

I think you’re being overly sensitive. He’s given you a compliment? Surely everyone has a mental tick list and match with people who might fulfil all or some of that? It’s not unkind or inappropriate. Your insecurities are yours and he doesn’t know about them yet.
Literally no one cares about cellulite. They care about confidence and how someone makes them feel.
If you want to ditch this one then that’s fine, you do you. But this type of attitude will lead to you sacking off perfectly nice guys, and the dating pool is small enough as it is.

You are definitely overthinkng this OP. Poor guy tried to say something positive and compliment you and you've binned him off straight away. Of course OLD is tick box, it's all you've got to go on until you meet up. He's done nothing wrong and you've missed the chance to develop things further.

I must admit OP it makes me cringe when men I’ve only exchanged a few messages with start commenting on my looks or body. In my experience it’s usually a prelude for the each comments to start

I udually ignore and change the subject. If they try and turn it back then I’m out

I think online dating is very superficial at first, did you only go by his job or did you find him attractive?
I don’t see he said anything too crude, it’s too early to tell, so I think you’re being a bit harsh.

@b0zza1what is an unreconstructed man??

He finds you attractive. Do you like the look of him?

I don’t think he necessarily has a list of boxes that must be ticked - it’s just a turn of phrase that people use to compliment each other.

Personally I think what he said was quite nice and o would have taken it as a compliment.

I also have a professional career which I’m proud of but I’d find it a bit of a strange compliment if a potential date mentioned a particular type of job as something he found attractive about me

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and meet up in person for a walk or a coffee. See if there’s a spark there.

Men can be so utterly hapless - he was probably just trying to compliment you.

OP this would be a big turn off for me as well, definitely enough to pass, the mention of boxes to be ticked isn't cool and the fact that he hasn't focused on any of your interests / things you have in common just on how nice you look shows he is shallow. I personally dislike it when men mention women's smiles eg. "wanting a smile that lights up a room" etc.. on profiles it's so Stepford. At the least it shows that he is not a great conversationalist at the worst he is sexist and uninspiring.

Sounds like a clumsy attempt at being nice. I think you binned him off too quickly.

Well of course it’s based on looks at this stage!