Do you need "I love you"?

Mustbelove21 · 2025-08-08T08:23:03+00:00

Been seeing a man for over a year. Friends for 10 years before that. Both mid 40s. We've met each others family and friends. He has ADHD if that's maybe relevant to the following. I told him about 6 months ago that I loved him. He said thank you, but that he wasn't ready to say it back to me. I haven't said anything about it, or told him I love him again, until last night. He felt able to say I love these parts of your body. I love your mind. No I love you. This made me rather upset, so I ended the conversation. He told me when we were still friends that he was never sure that he ever loved his wife. They were married for 15 years. Everything else is going well. I feel cared for, listened to, desired, safe and many more green flags. He makes me so happy and we have a lot of fun together. We text every day if we don't see each other, both initiating. We have future plans for dates and holidays, but haven't talked about moving in. Which suits me fine, as I think I want a LAT for the rest of my life. But he can't say "I love you". And I think he's right not to, because I don't feel he's completely consumed by me in the way I am him, if that makes sense. He's not looking at anyone else, or keeping his options open. I just think he sees me as a very enjoyable companion to spend time with and care for. As he probably did his XW. Maybe he isn't capable of fully recognising what love is and letting go? Do I need to hear him say it? Should his actions be enough? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Lemonadeat8 · 08/08/2025 09:27

Personally I don’t need to hear it as I go off how people are with me but there will be a hoard of women telling you to leave him.

CurlyZoo · 08/08/2025 09:27

This really depends on you. My husband took longer than a year to say it and now says it every 15 minutes - but he said he knew he loved me much earlier but was holding back due to avoidance of getting too serious. It caused me grief at the time and although it was worth the wait I think it was also dysfunctional looking back!

Celynfour · 08/08/2025 09:29

When I was in my early 20s I had a LTR with someone who couldn’t say this .
He was a lovely man and good person . I think the reluctance was seated in a childhood where expressive emotions were discouraged.
It caused alot of friction and probably damaged my self image at the time .
However , all his actions were those of love and respect . I married someone who was all words and big gestures . That was a disaster !
Now I would probably be at peace with someone who demonstrated their care and feel less worried about the actual words .
however , only you know if he is as ‘in’ the relationship as you are . But I don’t think the words are the best gauge of this .

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 08/08/2025 09:33

You should explain why you found that upsetting. It is upsetting to be told your body parts are loved but not you as a person. He should do some reflecting on that.

Chickateeta · 08/08/2025 09:33

Actions speak louder than words - so often we hear ‘when people show you who they are, believe them’. From your description it sounds like a healthy relationship. I understand the need to hear the words, but conversely they can be uttered multiple times a day and not really mean anything.

As for your question - only you can answer that. I’m no expert in neurodiversity so others may be able to comment on how it can impact some people in close relationships. There may be an element of his ADHD playing into how he experiences love.

Endofyear · 08/08/2025 09:34

He hasn't said he loves you because presumably he doesn't love you. It's up to you whether you continue the relationship but if he doesn't know he loves you after a year, it's very possible he never will. It sounds like you are a lot keener and I'd be worried about the imbalance in your relationship.

Overandoveradnauseum · 08/08/2025 09:47

Personally I am sceptical of the " I love you" words. Even if people mean it when they say it the initial romantic feeling rarely lasts.
I think the fact your day to day relationship seems so good and you enjoy each other's company is the important bit. He obviously admires you and likes you. And he appears very honest.
I think that's worth much more than romantic language.

aquashiv · 08/08/2025 09:58

I have experienced love-bombing before, so I don’t have time for early declarations of love. I believe it takes time to truly love someone. If I have ever said "I love you" early on, it was likely because of the great chemistry we shared or something about their behaviour that moved me.

Even after eight months of dating, I wouldn’t tell the person I love him. If he were to say it, I would question its validity.

Is there another area of your relationship where you feel insecure? I don't think his ADHD is a reason.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 08/08/2025 10:02

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who couldn’t say it at least once. But it’s not the be all and end all and I don’t need to hear it everyday or anything. Actions are more important long-term.

IShouldNotCoco · 08/08/2025 10:04

Him being ND isn’t relevant. I’m ND and I would hate being with someone like this.

How can anyone feel secure with someone like this?

TwistedWonder · 08/08/2025 10:35

Overandoveradnauseum · 08/08/2025 09:47

Personally I am sceptical of the " I love you" words. Even if people mean it when they say it the initial romantic feeling rarely lasts.
I think the fact your day to day relationship seems so good and you enjoy each other's company is the important bit. He obviously admires you and likes you. And he appears very honest.
I think that's worth much more than romantic language.

100% agree. Actions speak far louder than words for me.
Ive never been someone who holds any real meaning to being told or saying ‘I love you’ - id rather be shown than told.

Mumlaplomb · 08/08/2025 12:13

Whilst it is ideal for someone to be able to say they love you after a year, I agree love is more about actions than words. He is acting in a loving manner towards you. There are many men who say they love someone like it’s a high prize but do not act in a loving way.

You can always ask him if he now thinks he loves you or to describe his thoughts but it does in fact sound like he does from his actions.

user65342 · 08/08/2025 13:20

I don’t need to hear it and could happily be in a long term relationship with someone who had never said it. However I have been in relationships with people who said it every day yet their actions said something very different so know that words don’t mean much without the actions to back them up. How someone treats you and makes you feel is more important to me.

ginasevern · 08/08/2025 13:32

A lot of men say "I love you" and then fuck off with another woman after 20 years of marriage. If he is kind, caring, respectful, solvent! and you enjoy each other's company then there are far worse things to base a relationship on.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/08/2025 14:33

He told me when we were still friends that he was never sure that he ever loved his wife. They were married for 15 years.

I think this is the biggest issue. I think that for some couples, it’s perfectly possible to both know that you love each other without having to say it often or ever. I’m not one of those people, but it does work for some.

But this man has already told you that he’s capable of pretending to love someone to the extent of going through the fucking motions of getting married and being together for years without actually loving her. How are you ever going to know whether he isn’t saying “I love you” because he loves you but just doesn’t feel the need to say it; or isn’t saying “I love you” because he doesn’t actually love you?

Imagine him telling another of his friends in a couple of years time that he doesn’t think he loves you. Would you be fine with that, because he treats you well and his actions towards you are caring; or would you be upset?

Original poster

Mustbelove21 · 08/08/2025 14:59

I don't know if he was pretending to love XW, or thought he did at the time, then realised at the end of the marriage that he didn't @ComtesseDeSpair Maybe she never asked. Maybe she didn't need to hear the words, but felt loved.

You definitely raise an interesting point.

As do you @ginasevern - XH would say "I love you" regularly, but his actions did not show this for the last 5 years of our 20 year marriage.

OP posts:

Nibb · 08/08/2025 15:54

Actions more important. I despair when I hear people saying “love you” after every phone call etc (some of these people have been having affairs!)

probably a bit ADHD related too.

mindutopia · 08/08/2025 16:03

It sounds like he has some big relationship hang ups and I’m not sure I’d have the patience for that.

It’s a bit weird to not be able to love someone and express that. This has nothing to do with ADHD and I hate that becomes an excuse for problematic behaviour. Surely, we love lots of people. I love my children. I love my family. I love Dh and I knew I loved him as soon as he was a big important part of my life that mattered a lot.

It’s not about texting I love you and lots of kisses every night before bed. That’s just the performative bit. If he actually doesn’t love you, that’s kinda saying you are not a big valuable part of my life. I don’t love the guy who works the till at my local petrol station, nor my dc’s teachers, nor my neighbour. I do love Dh because he is a big special deal in my life.

BrunetteBarbie94 · 08/08/2025 16:10

I disagree with most of the people here. It is a giant red flag that he doesnt know whether he loved his ex wife ever and can't tell you he loves you.

Yes actions are worth more than words but in the BEST relationships actions and words match. You could have a world of pain ahead of you with this guy. He sounds avoidantly attached which people OFTEN mix up with ND when they are two separate things. Like a PP said how could you ever feel secure when the relationship is unbalanced like this.

ChristmasFluff · 08/08/2025 16:39

I agree with @BrunetteBarbie94 - words and actions have to match.

There are plenty of people who will give you all the trappings of a relationship (commitment, iintegration into life, family, friends etc), but actually not be invested at all. That's just as bad as someone who says they love you but their actions show they don't.

Then when it all ends badly, they trot out 'but I never said I loved you / I never said we were in a relationship' etc.

In my early 20s I was with someone like this, who treated me well, would do anything for me, was reliable, steady, dependable - but never said he loved me. My family and friends loved him and assured me that his actions meant he loved me, and that was more important than words, surely?

Then he dropped me like a hot potato when someone he was really interested in turned up. Was all lovey dovey with her a few weeks in (I had to watch it all from the other side of the local goth pub).

I wasted nearly 2 years of my life with him.

Where words and actions don't match, then you have to assume that the truth is that you are not loved, because that's usually the truth.

Cynic17 · 08/08/2025 16:46

No. It's often meaningless - some people say it on every phone call, which may just be habit, but somehow devalues it, I think.
If a person treats you well, and you get on together, I'm not sure that you need flowery declarations of affection at all.

NewspaperChips · 08/08/2025 18:31

Deeds not words for us. Been together 7 years and we’ve never said it to each other, but I know and I feel loved.

Dweetfidilove · 08/08/2025 18:57

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/08/2025 14:33

He told me when we were still friends that he was never sure that he ever loved his wife. They were married for 15 years.

I think this is the biggest issue. I think that for some couples, it’s perfectly possible to both know that you love each other without having to say it often or ever. I’m not one of those people, but it does work for some.

But this man has already told you that he’s capable of pretending to love someone to the extent of going through the fucking motions of getting married and being together for years without actually loving her. How are you ever going to know whether he isn’t saying “I love you” because he loves you but just doesn’t feel the need to say it; or isn’t saying “I love you” because he doesn’t actually love you?

Imagine him telling another of his friends in a couple of years time that he doesn’t think he loves you. Would you be fine with that, because he treats you well and his actions towards you are caring; or would you be upset?

Edited

I agree with this.

I don't need to hear it often, but you need to be able to say it.

At any point he can tell you - 'but I've never told you I love you, so'...

Zanatdy · 08/08/2025 19:02

I was going to say I needed to hear it, but then remember a brief relationship I had last year when he said he loved me, but then ended it abruptly. I’d rather someone didn’t just say it as they thought they should, but at the same time it would bother me.

BrunetteBarbie94 · 08/08/2025 19:05

ChristmasFluff · 08/08/2025 16:39

I agree with @BrunetteBarbie94 - words and actions have to match.

There are plenty of people who will give you all the trappings of a relationship (commitment, iintegration into life, family, friends etc), but actually not be invested at all. That's just as bad as someone who says they love you but their actions show they don't.

Then when it all ends badly, they trot out 'but I never said I loved you / I never said we were in a relationship' etc.

In my early 20s I was with someone like this, who treated me well, would do anything for me, was reliable, steady, dependable - but never said he loved me. My family and friends loved him and assured me that his actions meant he loved me, and that was more important than words, surely?

Then he dropped me like a hot potato when someone he was really interested in turned up. Was all lovey dovey with her a few weeks in (I had to watch it all from the other side of the local goth pub).

I wasted nearly 2 years of my life with him.

Where words and actions don't match, then you have to assume that the truth is that you are not loved, because that's usually the truth.

This was almost exactly my experience @ChristmasFluff ! Mine used to say to me "look at my actions not my (lack of) words" but there was no commitment whatsoever and he could later claim he had never said there was! Total waste of my life!

Looking at his actions this guy did everything for me including coming to fix my toilet! Anything i needed practically at all, the first time i needed emotional support from him (in 5 years!) he was gone.

My friend used to say to me "He may love you, but he doesnt love you in the way you love him." I see the truth of that now.

There is always a reason why someone can't express their feelings so ignore that at your peril.

Thankfully, i married a man whose words and actions match and it simply is not comparable.