Do you need "I love you"?

[Mustbelove21]

Been seeing a man for over a year. Friends for 10 years before that. Both mid 40s.

We've met each others family and friends. He has ADHD if that's maybe relevant to the following.

I told him about 6 months ago that I loved him. He said thank you, but that he wasn't ready to say it back to me.

I haven't said anything about it, or told him I love him again, until last night. He felt able to say I love these parts of your body. I love your mind. No I love you. This made me rather upset, so I ended the conversation.

He told me when we were still friends that he was never sure that he ever loved his wife. They were married for 15 years.

Everything else is going well. I feel cared for, listened to, desired, safe and many more green flags. He makes me so happy and we have a lot of fun together. We text every day if we don't see each other, both initiating. We have future plans for dates and holidays, but haven't talked about moving in. Which suits me fine, as I think I want a LAT for the rest of my life.

But he can't say "I love you". And I think he's right not to, because I don't feel he's completely consumed by me in the way I am him, if that makes sense. He's not looking at anyone else, or keeping his options open. I just think he sees me as a very enjoyable companion to spend time with and care for. As he probably did his XW. Maybe he isn't capable of fully recognising what love is and letting go?

Do I need to hear him say it? Should his actions be enough?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

All of this 100% Whatever about 6 months in after a year nothing really is going to change .. he probably loves being with u, you adore him and that’s clear to him but he isn’t in love with you. If he isn’t after a year it’s unlikely to happen. If you are happy with how things are then stay but agree with the above .. once he meets someone he does feel that way for he will be gone without a backwards glance.

Id find it hard...I think especially with the weird deflection of I love these parts of your body...I wouldn't be able to hold back from saying something as bit salty like
Just not my soul then? Nope?

DH isn't very good at saying I love you. He does say it, but nearly always in response to me saying it rather than spontaneously. It used to bother me when we first got together, but now I understand it's just how he is and he has lots of good qualities to make up for it. We've been together for 28 years.

Does he show you he loves you in other ways? My DH would never think of saying this but shows me in lots of other little ways

Alexithymia is more common amongst people who are ADHD.
Since he said he wasn’t sure if he loved his wife,
perhaps look up this link:
neurodivergentinsights.com/alexithymia-and-adhd/?srsltid=AfmBOoogyIu-6v2E-mmYH7e8ARTOy5d3i-YcUlLyZblhfx1BeAeVE4Ui

Actions are what matters, but of course saying something is an action. In a relationship non verbal actions can be quite at odds with what people say, or don't say. Work out what is really important to you and dont worry about his possible lack of feeling for his ex - it sounds like he was reflecting and thinking about it, bit making a declaration.

I agree, being ADHD has nothing to do with this.

It's a personality thing for sure.

That's a really interesting read @Wantingtomove123.

I'd not heard of Alexithymia before. Thank you for sharing.

Big chat over the weekend.

He isn't sure if he loved XW - he thinks he probably did, but isn't sure for himself where "I'm extremely fond of you and will do anything for you and will try my hardest to make you happy every day" turns into "I love you".

He said he finds his emotions really hard to explain, but it's like he doesn't want to allow himself to fall in love and be that happy, as he feels he'll make himself more vulnerable than he's happy with being.

He said he probably will tell me he loves me at some point in the future, but it'll be behind a closed door and he won't be able to look at me for a good hour after. I can believe this, as a few normal life things unexpectedly embarrass him and he can't look at me for a short while after.

He was clear with me that he's in this for the forever and is committed to me.

We were out with a good friend this weekend who's known us both for years, meaning whilst we were both married to other people years ago. She said she's never seen him this happy.

All these things have been very reassuring to me. His soul bearing trying to explain how he felt and lots of his actions are showing me the "I love you" imo.

I don't want him to say "I love you" if it isn't coming from his heart. Given his childhood, I understand why he explained himself the way he did.

So I've decided I'm not going to throw this amazing man away for the sake of not hearing 3 words. I've been feeling those 3 words from him for months. That's more important.

I'm happy for you.

Update:

We were out last night. He said to his mate "I love her and..."

I said to the mate in his earshot " Did he just say he loves me? As he's never told me that." He smiled and I carried the conversation on elsewhere.

I reminded him of what he said this morning while we were cuddling. He looked me in the eye and told me he loved me.

About an hour later, I asked if I was ever likely to hear it again, or if it would be an annual thing, as I needed to manage my expectations.

He said it again right then and said I'd likely hear it again at some point.

I'm so glad I didn't listen to the naysayers on this thread. Thanks to those who reminded me actions speak louder than words. His actions continued to show me I was very loved and now his words have lined up to that.

My husband took ages to say I love you and he comes from a family that never say it or express emotions much in general (other than happy ones and even then quite restrained). I definitely think this is why he struggled as nobody had ever said it to him so the verbalising felt like a huge scary deal! In the end he did say it a while after I got upset about him having not (this is like 3 years in btw) but it was still rarely said after that. Then a few years later we talked about it and I explained that words of affirmation was an important love language for me and that while I understood our different backgrounds it would mean a lot to me if he could try to express his feelings for me in words more often (not just meaning I love you). He said he definitely loved me but that he was wary of it becoming a habit if we said it too often. I said… it might become a habit but what a lovely habit to have providing we mean it? Then I just started saying it every night before we go to sleep and at other random times and he said it back and now says it all the time of his own initiative. Really he just needed the communication and practice! Now 13 years in and counting…

Nope action speak louder than words imo. Its support loyalty listening respect etc that count for me. It’s easy for some people to say but it doesn’t make it true or completely sincere

Letting someone know that you love them at least once when relationship progresses is an ACTION and if someone is not able to do it it's a giant red flag.

You can't just show everything with what you do. In healthy relationship words, feelings and actions match.
Of course some people don't like to say "I love you" all the time , some people are less verbally expensive but relationship cannot be completely devoided of important verbal communication.

I'm glad you finanlly heard those words and it looks like in his case he just wanted to be absolutely sure and waited for a right time. However people on here were not "naysayers" but rather were rightly concerned about what looked like unhealthy dynamic.

If someone can't at least once communicate important feelings that are fundamental to relationship it's not a good prospect. And most positive replies came from women who did hear "I love you" from their husbands just not often- completely different then not hearing it even once!

I've lost count of the amount of unprompted times he's said he loves me.

I was given a Welsh love spoon necklace for Valentines day. He's Welsh, so the significance is not lost on me.

Ladies. I think I'm head over heels for him 💕

I tell my wife every time I leave the house that I love her, same with my kids and the same at bedtime they will be the last words out of my mouth. I have lost a friend who died in his sleep and his wife often said the last words he said were some moan about work and its always stuck with me I wouldnt want my loved ones thinking about that. Its not habit they are my world.