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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sharing the driving

32 replies

SereneOpalMember · 08/08/2025 08:27

Hi, I have a partner who insists I share the driving 50/50 when we are on holiday and generally.

I live in the UK and am originally from Australia. I have a driving licence but didn’t need to use it as got the tube/public transport for 20 years. When I went back to Australia, I drove.

We have a second car that we both use but is mostly mine as he has a fancy sports car that is way too powerful for me. My partner and I have been going to Europe every year and he has driven in his car. I have felt too nervous to drive. He is a nervous passenger that makes things worse. I drive my car (we paid 50/50 for it as he uses it too but he considers it mine) to work and trips I am confident with. I am getting more confident as time goes on.

He is a rock climber and insisted I drive the car down the mountain in Switzerland as well as splitting the driving around Europe for a month. I do think it is fair for me to do some of the driving and I am happy to do so on the motorways and in quiet countryside places. So far I have driven him down from this horrible mountain with narrow roads where cyclists appear in huge bunches everywhere.One cyclist was on his phone and scraped along the side of my car. Luckily he was fine and I was going slow but it affected my confidence.

My partner is a nervous and impatient passenger. He shouts if I make a mistake and mansplains the road rules. When I went under the speed limit when it was raining on the motorway he went ballistic. We have an 8 hour trip coming up and I am doing 4 hours of it. I am dreading it. I hate driving in Italy as a passenger but that is coming up with me driving. He is insisting more and more that I drive in built up areas where I am scared. Any advice?

OP posts:
Youdontseehow · 08/08/2025 08:52

My advice - get a new partner. Seriously - sharing the driving is fair but complaining/shouting etc when the person doesn’t drive exactly how the other one wants them to is not on.

I am a confident driver but am now struggling with driving in the dark owing to bright headlights. I picked DH up from the pub one night and he “jokingly” made a comment about the speed I was doing (speed limit was 30, I was doing about 25) so I just said “fine, you can get a taxi next time”. I hate it when people are happy for others to drive then act all fussy about their driving!

Endofyear · 08/08/2025 08:52

My advice would be to get a new partner - no way I'd be driving him anywhere if that's how he behaves!

SereneOpalMember · 08/08/2025 09:11

Thanks! I was particularly upset when my partner said that I was partly to blame for the cyclist scratching all the way along the car. I was already terrified as there were motorbikes and crazy motorists passing in blind corners etc. He said I should have given the cyclist 2 metres and not gone past him. He swerved into me because he was fiddling with his phone and took his hand off the handlebar! I stopped and he was still texting when I asked if he was ok!!!

OP posts:
RentalWoesNotFun · 08/08/2025 09:20

It’s not nice if him to be angry or shouty. That’s bang out of order. Would a few refresher driving lessons help with the confidence?

Could he be frustrated at your lack of progress? How long have you been trying to improve your driving and get your confidence up? If it’s a year or maybe even two fair enough but if it’s ten years i can see why he is frustrated at the lack of progress but he needs to be nice and not nasty.

With regard to driving abroad in general, I find it better to volunteer to do what appears to be the easier driving so he’s left with what you think is the hard stuff! That way he can’t criticise if you baulk at something as youve done loads of driving already. Trying to get out of it when you know he expects half won’t help your case. If you’re there having agreed to do half you need to do half. Or agree in advance youre not going and he can take a mate. And you can have a holiday at home or elsewhere without him (which could be permanent lol!!)

Do you go non driving holidays too? Or is it always what he wants, a driving holiday? I’d suggest you do his holiday but he also does yours. So beach, ski, whatever you want.

Does he pay for the holidays and are you a SAHM?

AlexandraJJ · 08/08/2025 09:42

Is this a symptom of his general character or just peculiar to driving? He doesn’t come across as very patient or understanding particularly in your vulnerable moments 🫤

AlexandraJJ · 08/08/2025 09:42

Is this a symptom of his general character or just peculiar to driving? He doesn’t come across as very patient or understanding particularly in your vulnerable moments 🫤

SereneOpalMember · 08/08/2025 10:02

Thanks for all your views. The problem is I haven’t driven consistently for 30 years!

I decided to get driving lessons as I didn’t renew my licence in London on time before 5 years. It hasn’t helped on this holiday that someone bashed into the side of us unexpectedly as they were tired from rock climbing! My partner was driving then thankfully! I did make the mean comment that so far all the marks and dents on MY car are caused by him. Then he refused to drive the next day and that’s when the cyclist crashed into us!!!

He is an impatient person but tbh he is very generous and pays for these amazing holidays. We both enjoy them but the arguments around driving are spoiling things. I will continue to ask for advice if I am uncertain of things as he has driven in Europe way more than I. BUT I won’t take anymore criticism and unwanted/ distracting advice from him or I will pull over and he can take over.

OP posts:
sameshizz · 08/08/2025 10:40

Op I haven’t had any breaks in driving and I’d still hate this
I don’t like driving even though I do it everyday and driving in another country is my worse nightmare .
Someone criticising me and shouting like he does would send me into a meltdown

Mumlaplomb · 08/08/2025 12:08

I’m a nervous driver and my husband is a very experienced and confident driver so he will normally drive when we go on holiday. Your partner sounds like a bit of an arsehole to be honest. I would be saying you don’t want to drive save for x y z and if he doesn’t accept that then don’t go on holiday with him.

mauvaiseherbe · 08/08/2025 12:17

well OP, define ‘holiday’

you could stay home packing?

LoveSandbanks · 08/08/2025 12:24

My husband used to constantly comment on my driving even though I’ve been driving longer than him. Stupid shit like “I would have gone the other route”

I now flatly refuse to drive with him in the car. I’m far too old to be told how to do something. This of course means that I’m never the designated driver on nights out so he’s shot himself in the foot somewhat.

You have agency, you can say no, I will not drive your car, no I will not drive down a fucking mountain and no I will not have you shouting at me when I’m driving you can drive. If 8 hours is too much driving then we will have to break up the drive into two days.

Lottapianos · 08/08/2025 12:30

'I now flatly refuse to drive with him in the car'

Same here. My partner is a nervous wreck when I drive and makes me feel like I'm on a driving lesson. He doesn't shout but there's a lot of sharp intakes of breath and telling me what I could / should be doing differently. It's like he just can't get himself into passenger mode and allow me to be in control

I'm a safe and competent driver but his fussing makes me anxious, so I just refuse to drive with him in the car. With your partner shouting and mansplaining OP, not a chance I would be agreeing to long stressful drives with him

thismummydrinksgin · 08/08/2025 12:42

What would he say if you said, look I’m too anxious to drive all that way, thanks but no thanks to the holiday?

suburburban · 08/08/2025 12:48

I rarely drive with DH in car, it puts me on edge and let him drive on holiday. .

i commute to work on my own though but as I’m getting older I am more nervous if I’m honest especially in the dark Yanbu

perfectcolourfound · 08/08/2025 13:12

On the face of it, yes 50/50 driving is the fair way to do it. Split the load fairly, as with anything in life.

But if he's critical, shouts, puts you on edge, blames you for other people making mistakes when you're driving, I totally understand why you wouldn't want to. In fact it's not safe to drive while someone's putting you on edge like that.

But more than that, please question whether you want to be with someone who treats you so badly.

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/08/2025 13:14

In principle, expecting a partner (who can drive) to share the driving 50:50 is entirely reasonable.

But that’s where reasonable ends. Your partner is a dick. I think calling him a dick is pretty generous actually. He sounds horrendous. Is he only like this about driving or does this bullying behaviour spread into other areas of your relationship too?

I can understand your nervousness around driving after a long break. I took my test at 17 and then didn’t get behind a wheel again until I was in my 30s, and that was only because my partner was having surgery (after a ski accident) so couldn’t drive and I had to take over as he lived in the sticks and was car dependent (note: I lived in central London so had never needed a car). I still remember driving home (to his) from dropping him at the hospital as it was the first time I’d ever driven a car on my own. And on unfamiliar country roads. Then going back to the hospital that evening meant driving a car on my own AND in the dark. And finally returning home was driving on my own, in the dark and the rain. I laugh about it now but it was so nerve-wracking at the time and I felt like a basket case. In the end it spurred me on to getting back into driving so like you OP, I paid for a driving lesson (in central London!) and the instructor said my driving was actually fine and I just needed experience. I started using rental cars for weekends away etc and was soon whizzing about, and these days I have my own (sports car) and am very comfortable driving anywhere (cities, town, country, hills, snow, you name it) plus have driven in countries all over the world (including Australia and Italy).

Sorry for the long history, let me get to the point I want to make. All the advice I/we can give you about building your driving confidence up becomes totally irrelevant because your partner is a dick about your driving. HE is the problem, not your driving. His attitude is bound to make you feel 100 times worse.

You don’t have many options.
You can refuse to drive if he’s in the car.
You can bin him completely.
He can learn to shut the fuck up (and that includes gasps, sighs, grabbing of door handles etc), stop mansplaining and be grateful he has a bloody chauffeur.
He can turn into a decent human being (unlikely it seems).

Your life. Your choice. You choose.

Personally I’d bin him. Rock climbing as a hobby sounds like the chauffeur driven equivalent of middle aged men in Lycra cycling as a hobby i.e. tedious for a long suffering partner and utterly selfish. But if you think there’s value in the relationship, give the ‘he shuts the fuck up’ option a try. If he opens his mouth to criticise/mansplain, stop the car immediately and give him the option of getting out there and then or shutting the fuck up. I’ve always found this to be very effective and either way, you get quiet in your car.

Edit: just to add, my Dad is an ex-rally driver/garage owner/mechanic so his driving standards are high and he makes it look easy. He’s also demanding and critical. I still remember the row about his criticism of her driving when they came home from a night out and she’d driven them home so he could have a few drinks. After that my Mum wouldn’t drive with him in the car. Ever. So years later, when I was finally driving again, I eventually had to drive with my Dad as a passenger. I can’t even begin to explain my fear. Holy hell. But actually it was fine. And now I quite enjoy driving the two of us around in my little car. I don’t know whether my Dad has learnt his lesson or if my driving is amazing (ha ha!) or if my Dad just senses that all hell will break out if he tries that critical bs on me. But it does prove there’s a way forward where everyone is happy and no-one needs to be upset.

outerspacepotato · 08/08/2025 13:23

If he had yelled at me while driving, I would have stopped the car in a safe spot and told him to drive or shut the fuck up.

His bitching and complaining and yelling are making your anxiety while driving worse.

Say no if you're not comfortable. If he's insisting you drive even more in built up areas where you're really uncomfortable and he knows that, I'd say he's deliberately trying to make you uncomfortable.

If he screws up and takes the wrong exit or whatever, bring it up to him constantly.

Crowded city driving is like Dodge Em cars. Steer around obstacles and use horn liberally.

SteelCityRose · 08/08/2025 13:42

I really feel for you OP. How can you enjoy a holiday which involves so much driving whilst you’re not feeling confident.
If your DH was calm, patient and supportive your confidence would gradually improve. Shouting and criticism spoils the holiday mood and will only have a negative effect on you.
Im a confident driver, will drive almost anywhere including abroad, and as a non-drinker I drive us to most places. If ever we’re going out with other people my DH will offer me to drive everyone as he sees it as an opportunity to return the favour if they’ve previously given him a lift etc. which is fine by me.
Over the past couple of years I noticed my DH change from minor irritation/teasing if I took a route he wouldn’t have, to full blown rage for driving just below the speed limit, not overtaking, getting caught at the traffic lights etc
I reverse off the drive slowly & carefully and this would send him mad, to the point that he wouldn’t get in the car until I was on the road.
It was like my driving disgusted him. Although his behaviour didn’t affect my driving confidence in general, whenever he was in the car I was a nervous wreck, and this annoyed him further.
Until one day I had enough. I gave him 3 choices, 1. He drives, so no alcohol 2. Hand in pocket & pay for a cab 3. I drive and he keeps quiet. He chose option 3 and so far it’s going well.
So OP you need to think what you want going forward. Do you genuinely want to drive when abroad. If so, when planning your route can you agree a plan where your confident driver DH does the more challenging aspects and you do the straight forward bits as his support. That way you won’t be panic mode and hopefully he can relax a bit.
Otherwise, if it were me I just wouldn’t want to go, which is a shame really if it can be worked out with a bit of understanding from him.

Gonk123 · 08/08/2025 13:45

Fly to the destination of choice and let him drive if he wants to!

FriendIsAngry · 08/08/2025 13:51

I also advise a new partner.

One of the absolute pleasures of getting a divorce was not having the constant critique of my driving. It was amazing how I could parallel park again. Then I drove us in Paris! And to the alps in wintertime, with snow chains.

That is his thing! Being horrible.

toastandegg · 08/08/2025 14:06

I’m a terrible passenger and hate my dh driving, so if I absolutely have to relinquish the wheel (if it’s really far) I make sure I am distracted by my phone or a book, try my absolute best not to gasp at his late braking and never comment, your dh should be doing the same if he’s a nervous passenger like me

SereneOpalMember · 08/08/2025 14:09

Such fantastic advice. Thanks for taking the time to respond to me! I will take option 3 of one if the posts above and he jeeps quiet and listens to one of his pod casts! I am more than capable of finding a safe spot and pulling over for him to take over. Oh forgot to mention he said if I go too slow on my 4 hour leg he said I should drive extra for making us late. The nerve of this man. If he keeps all this up then I will go on my own holiday next summer and he can do a rock climbing guided tour where they drive you up to the different sites and he can talk rock climbing to his heart content and I can sit on the beach with a pina colada.

OP posts:
Rayqueen · 08/08/2025 14:11

I think the problem is both of you yousas he is a confident regular driver and clearly you need to get more practice in as some sounds dangerous regardless of fast or slow speed maybe do some refresher courses. So I get it from both sides tbh

outerspacepotato · 08/08/2025 14:15

"he said if I go too slow on my 4 hour leg he said I should drive extra for making us late. "

Who made him your boss?

I'd be done. He's a scorekeeper as well as a dick.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 08/08/2025 14:19

Are you only with this wanker because he has a flash car and pays for your holidays?