Genuinely can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not?

[Greenwatch]

For context we are all gay women in our 30s.

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years, we have a lovely relationship for the most part

3 years ago I had 2 dates with another woman, nothing more happened, she asked to meet again but I wasn’t really feeling a romantic spark and she was fine with that. This woman runs a group locally.

My partner said recently she wanted to join this group and I said I knew the woman who organises it. She asked how I know her and I said we had 2 dates 3 years ago.

a week or so later my girlfriend asks to talk. She said she can’t get this out of her head and wanted to know if I’ve had any contact with this woman during our relationship. I said we’re friends on social media and I think we exchanged the odd message on instagram. I looked and I could see we have replied to each others stories around 6 times in the past 3 years (e.g she got a new job and I said well done, she replied to a holiday asking where that beach was and another time or 2 I asked about the group)

my girlfriend has taken this so badly. Said she feels totally betrayed and I’ve broken her trust. She didn’t know I was talking to another women “behind her back” and that I should have told her this. Obviously I was hiding something or I would have mentioned it before now. I have literally nothing to hide about this. I told her as necessary, when it came up about the group because I thought it best she know especially if they’re going to be at the same event.

i am really struggling to entertain this reaction at all. I’ve apologised that she’s hurt by this and explained that there is nothing romantic at all and what I can keep friends like this and she should trust me to make sensible decisions. I’ve asked her what her boundaries are in this scenario but she hasn’t said. I have never cheated in my life. I’m struggling that she is making out it’s a huge betrayal and that I’ve broken her trust.

what do you think? I know it sounds so juvenile but she is annoyed that I’m not on the same page as her and how hurt she is

What you've done is fine in my book, but there are those who think you should never have any contact with previous dates or partners- I'd have to lose half my contacts in that case, and really, if you're talking about holiday pics etc, it's no different from colleagues or anyone like that.

However, she clearly I'd upset, do I would talk to her to ask why it bothers her so, when there's nothing in it? You haven't been talking behind her back, because you've barely been talking at all, and only about every day things. I would be prepared for her to ask if you've any other contacts you once dated.

But I wouldn't accept ceasing contact or anything- that's controlling, and as you say, there's nothing in it. I would want to understand where she's coming from to react as she has.

You sound pretty (very) reasonable to me. I suppose the thing is, maybe her reaction isn’t quite reasonable, but what shes feeling isn’t reasoned but instinctive. Which points to underlying trust issues (they may have nothing to do with you but past relationships.) I say this as a person who has been cheated on a number of times and sometimes in very dramatic ways which were like mini traumas on finding out. Even in subsequent nice relationships I was then prone to suspicion or jealousy where there was a thread (however long and loose) to pick up. That’s pretty much nill now with time (late 30s) and, well, partner choice. It’s boring to constantly reassure someone, but maybe one strong reassurance that cheating is not at all on the agenda might help? Sounds like you’ve already done that though. Really it’s on her to decide whether she trusts you or not!

Your girlfriend is being ridiculous. Is she often unreasonable or unreasonably jealous or is it just this instance?

It’s bothering me so much because she’s making it out to be something I’m not and implying I’m something I’m not

Well I think if you’d actually had a romantic relationship and then broken up and remained in touch then she might have a point but that isn’t what happened. You had no spark which surely means this other lady was in the “ friend zone” the whole time. ( and friend in the loosest sense since you barely interact at all) She sounds a bit intense and veering into dramatic victim territory for me.

She’s being ridiculous and dramatic for nothing. Does she normally pick fights?

Not usually no

Tell her this. It sounds like you have been very calm and supportive towards her expressing her feelings and she needs to give you that same respect. I personally think that it would be quite controlling for a partner to dictate who you can and can’t communicate with and you have been open in showing her that the messages were sparse and entirely innocent. This I feel is her issue to work on.

Yeah it’s so frustrating. She keeps saying “it’s just crap now that I’m left with these worries going forward”

Firstly I don't think you should have apologised at all as you haven't done anything wrong and your girlfriend is completely overreacting. If I were you I wouldn't be happy about her controlling behaviour and emotional blackmail. I'd be thinking very carefully about whether this relationship is right for you.

She feels you haven't been completely open with her, and you felt your "relationship" with this woman was so negligible that it wasn't worth mentioning. I would keep repeating that to her until she gets the message. Obviously you and that woman must've felt some sort of attraction in order to go on dates in the first place, so I do think you now owe your GF an explanation, but I don't think you have anything to apologise for.

The world is quite small. You will bump into people you’ve met before.

Has she not dated anyone on her social media or in her extended friend network?

Could you reframe it as, ‘we went out twice to see if we were interested in dating, but there was nothing there’?

Yeah I’m not even sure what I’m apologising for. When other people have contacted me (significant exes) I’ve always told her but didn’t think this was important. She says because I’ve told her about them and not this I’m hiding something

Yeah that’s what I’ve told her but she said it’s the not telling her that is concerning, not that we exchanged the odd message

She doesn’t love the thought of me having precious relationships

I’m happy to reassure her if I felt there was actually something to reassure her about. I feel like by overly reassuring her I’m nearly admitting guilt

You're a woman in your 30s and she thinks you shouldn't have had a dating history before her?

I think you need to stop apologising and tell her the issue is with her not you.

I think this is a slippery slope. Her needless insecurity is already driving you to question perfectly normal interactions and to apologise for something you didn't do.

What's next? You have to text her every hour when you go out with a female friend in case you're actually shagging? You have to invite her to every social engagment so she can confirm you're not flirting? You abandon your old friend from school because you had a little crush on her when you were 16?

I think you’re right

So, yes. She is unreasonable and unreasonably jealous.

I would be very very cross in your shoes. I certainly wouldn’t be apologising.

I also would add that we are trying to make big life decisions about where to live/ buy house etc so this seems so so trivial compared to the actual things we need to be figuring out

Fellow gay woman here. Her reaction is completely unjustified and a bit of a red flag to be honest. I get her initial reaction (though don’t agree with it), but how she has dragged this on is problematic. I thought we all kept ex’s around as friends or is that just my group..

In all seriousness though, you have handled it well but the line needs to be drawn now. If she can’t let it go it would make me question our future together. She’s giving classic ‘straight girl got her first girlfriend’ vibes.

I'd be wary of moving in with her, if she can't handle someone in their thirties having lived normally and had other relationships.

You are right and she is wrong. Simple as that. This isn’t cheating and her insistence that you have done something wrong is highly problematic. She is not being open, compassionate, humane, or loving. However nice the relationship seemed before I don’t see hiw you can continue it. Her rule is incoherent and rigid—you can’t even comply with it as it would mean you could have no friends at all. If you submit you will become a shell of yourself.

She is way over the top and making drama for free.