Are FWB worth it?

[everythingblows]

NC for this.

I’m contemplating going down the route of FWB. Relationships are too much effort for me at this stage. The men that I have had serious relationships with tend to start dictating what they expect of me which gets tiresome and quite predictable.

So having had a detox from them for a year and now ready to start dating again I’m only considering FWB with the right type of man.
My criteria I believe is achievable; fun, laughter, good communication and fantastic sex.

For you ladies that do have a FWB what criteria do you look for in them and what makes it successful?

I’ve just turned 40 and I’m hoping it’s the decade of pure fun without the mind games and negativity.

@Nibb @SoManyTshirts oh I see!!! I just think if a man wants someone to be faithful to him then why not get an actual girlfriend?

Its like, why have something casual when you are going to get territorial about it?

I was in one for 6 years with a man a decade younger than me. It worked because neither of us wanted anything else, we got on really well, we saw eachother only once a week or fortnight, we didn’t live near eachother so there was no bumping into eachother. The downsides are that I had to step back on occasion because I could feel feelings growing and I didn’t want that. However, I loved the days we had, nice food and company and everything that went with it! It fizzled eventually but it was lovely while it lasted.

It’s pure double standards rooted in ego and insecurity. Men like that - no thanks

We would eat, he would always do me a lovely lunch because it was a weekend daytime thing while my son was at contact and I was there all day. We needed to eat 🤷🏻‍♀️. It didn’t change the dynamic at all. It might have done if we were going out to eat of course.

@TheFormidableMrsC this sounds so ideal!

when you felt your feelings grow for him was it easy to take a step back?

Yes, I’d just not see him for a bit or make other plans. It worked fine! I was not emotionally ready for a relationship, my husband had had an affair and left me with a disabled toddler. There was no way I had capacity for anything more so it worked really well for me.

IME you’re unlikely to find a man who can actually communicate enough to make this work well and who understands the ‘friends’ part of the deal. Those who are capable of good enough communication/friendship are relationship material, so they’re not available or will quickly move on.

There’s plenty of married men who would make it work with you, but obv that’s a whole other headache. And plenty of men who would snap your hand off for just the benefits, but that quickly gets unsexy (for me anyway, and I think most women need the emotional connection for the benefits bit to work well).

Married men are obviously a hard no. That’s just grim.

There is that risk that feelings may grow. Making other plans and keeping a distance seems wise in this case

I haven’t ever had one, but from what I have seen it hasn’t often worked for people as men will say men want it to be causal, but in reality their ego doesn’t make that possible. They want to be the only one with no dating or no other connections, even though it’s literally just for sex.

I have decentered men to the moon at this point so it isn’t something I’m interested in now, that could maybe change but overall I still can’t see it being worth the hassle for me.

The term FWB means so many different things to different people. OP, you suggest you are seeking the middle ground which to me sounds sensible.

l’m old school (40s) l prefer the term “lover” to FWB as l think it sums things up better. And l think to stop your heart overruling your head you are better off having 2 lovers rather than one. Needles to say, “never the twain shall meet”. But you can be up front that they are not the only one.

So I'm in a FWB situation. It works well for us as we are genuinely friends and chat away regularly about life in general as well as having a sexual element. We meet up on average once a week for sex and in between times we message most days or go for the odd coffee. Neither of us are looking to have a relationship beyond this with each other as we have other factors in life such as kids and we don't want to complicate things. There's no pressure from either of us to be constantly in communication and we respect when the other has things going on and can't meet as regularly. When we do meet up, it's like escaping to a bubble for a few hours and then we go back to reality of everyday life. We've had this set up for 18 months now.

This sounds a positive and sensible approach. Some will not like it because it goes against the societal norm and the surely a “naice girl” wouldn’t want this attitude.

Another comment about this sort of situation, if it’s working well there should never be an argument about anything, as you both have your own space and head space.

The point of a FWB is you don't " date " them , you just have sex .
So there is no real going out , no wondering where they are or what they are up to etc
Just turn up at yours or theirs or a mutually agreed place ,( if it's a hotel you 50/50 pay ) so either of you are beholden to each other .

Mine worked well. We were both not in places for a relationship but we became very good friends- and he has supported me in so many ways just like I have him.

we are both in serious relationships with kids now but we will still check in with a “hey how you” every few months.

My fwb situation was a crazy one. All she wanted was sex and she knew I wasn’t happy in my relationship so she ended up sharing me with her friends as well.

Did they form an orderly queue, was it first come first served or more like the first day of the January sales?

It can definitely work as long as both of want the same thing, and it stops if either person changes what they want. My experience has been one that didn't work where I would have liked a relationship and he was only in it for FWB, but that was clear from the start- I was just naively optimistic. And one that worked great- he was someone I clicked with, but would never have wanted a LTR with. We had a great couple of years and it stopped as soon as one of us found a long term partner (he did first and there was no resentment or heartache). We're still in occassional touch, but absolutely on a how are the kids and family basis- nothing inappropriate. Have fun!

She would usually let her friends join us so it got pretty kinky

Well it would wouldn't it. did they tie you down?

Fantastic. I bet you had a great time with her friends Greg, Dave and Ian.

Me and mine fell in love :)

Lmao. No I had a good time with her and her friend Heather, Candace and Shauna

I had one but had to stop as i started wanting more. We did cuddle and have deep talks after sex n talk every day after on message. But he rarely had the time to meet when i wanted to. Then when it messed his head up when i slept with the ex i felt bad and i didnt understood why it messed his head up when fwb. So tbh the fwb with him.would have worked well if we just met for sex had a coffee n off or a takeout. I am really fed up of how shit men are with communication yano tell me about your dates with others and how its going otherwise the friendship isnt there and its a situationship. Anyways i stepped back for a week didnt text as we had the discussion as i started wanting more. Feeling better now though readjusted myself Anyways iv dated a few men not past first date as didnt get on with them and ive got some dates lined up for building a relationship maybe but wouldnt mind the fwb until iv found someone i acc want but i dont wanna mess his head up and we cant chat as friends due to that. So if fwb make sure its a man that you can actually talk to.