Depressed Husband

[Pomatron]

Advice needed please.

Been with husband about 20 years and we have primary age children. The last few years his mental health has deteriorated and I think he is depressed. His behaviour is now affecting my mental health and I’m sure it’s affecting my kids too.
He’s a workaholic and has become increasingly isolated from all his friends and family. He shuts down and now basically doesn’t engage in family life at all so I’ve found myself doing everything and it’s so tiring. He tried AD and counselling and said they didn’t work so stopped both. I’m at breaking point and although I love him I think I want to leave as he doesn’t acknowledge that he is causing any problem in fact he turns it round and says I don’t help and that I make him not welcome. The thought of leaving scares me massively and the upheaval for the kids seems unfair but I dont see how I can continue like this. Any advice from anyone who’s been through something similar?

Would it be worth having Relationship Counselling? Do you think he would be open to it?

hi there im going through simalar situation my husband has mental health problems and left me and our daughter at Christmas over nothing I had done but he blames me for everything we still talk and he says when he gets better he will come back but the truth is he has hurt and broken me that much I don't know if that's what I want anymore I've tried helping him with counselling and going for walks but he doesn't want to help himself and is out a lot at weekends with his pals.. it's so draining and upsetting still and it's been 7 month. hope this helps sometimes it's good to know your not alone 😐

Thanks it is good to know I’m not alone. How are you managing after 7 months? How is your DD taking it?

hi it's still hard as don't know what's going on really he's staying at one of his relatives my daughter is very confused still she 15 and gets on with it but that's not the point. he just says I'm getting my head together and I'll come home but he's missed so much (easter bank hols summer days u name it) and then just thinks everything will go back to being the same???? don't really know what the future holds for us at the moment..

do you miss him at this point? I couldn’t do that for so long being in limbo. I think I question how much they really want to change or if it will always be this way ☹️

we are very simalar been married 23 years that's why it's so hard to let go and you make excuses for them. thanks for reply x

I'm finding similar. Mine is self employed which can lead to workaholic type tendencies and stress, and I think is self medicating with alcohol which makes his mood worse and results in mood swings.

I'm going through menopause at the same time with teen kids and elderly parents, it's not easy.

the thing is which might sound crazy to some people but because he still comes to see me and daughter I still feel tied in. I do think it's an absolute disgrace the way he has treat us but it's so messed up because 1 minute I feel sorry for him because of mental health depression whatever but then the next I hate him and want to say piss off.. it's hard to explain when u in situation.. how do u feel?

A reputable therapist won’t work with a couple when one’s depression is causing the relationship issue. They should always advise individual therapy for the person with depression.

OP, leaving my depressed ex-DH (13 years ago now), was the best thing I ever did. You can tell yourself again and again that the things you can do can make a difference, but if they aren’t willIng to seek and engage in help, then nothing will work. They will only drag you down with them. I have enormous sympathy for anyone with depression, but it’s unfortunately a very outwardly selfish condition. My ex-DH is still not well and still not engaging with treatment or open to help.

he's had 13 sessions of private help he has improved a bit coz in Feb he was suicidal but not as bad as that now he works but ii just feel lost sometimes like there's nothing else I can say or do to help him anymore and he doesn't want to come home

sorry didn't finish the message.. but he does say I'm going to come home when I'm better but this could go on for years I haven't got years to waste

I feel a mixture of sadness, loneliness and then annoyance that I am having to basically be a single parent whilst he continues to live here. He says he’s stressed from work and struggling to cope but seems to forget that I work with the added bonus of all the childcare and household jobs. I know he’s not coping but can’t help but think he doesn’t want to get better, that it’s easier to shy away from responsibilities and hide away

I agree I've said to him time and time again that he has to pick himself up and get on with life but he seems to play on the fact that he's not well and that when he's better he will come home!! it's like a broken record sometimes as it has really effected my state of mind and I now have terrible anxiety all the time. it just goes on and on and on with no way out

In my experience, it's not worth it. You have to save yourself and rebuild your life for the better.

His mental health issues are not your responsibility. He will only drag you down with him.

When you're stuck in a marriage to someone like that, you forget what "normal" looks like and feels like. It's insidious.

Guilt is often what holds women in these marriages. If they want to leave the marriage, the depressed partner threatens suicide and then what? Total nightmare. You have to drop the rope and accept that you cannot be held to ransom by a man who refuses to change their ways.

thanks for that advice. it has hit a nerve.
true words spoken

I just don’t know to go about leaving with the children because obviously it would mean such a change for them and they love him. Today I really wanted just to tell him to go as once again he’s being selfish. I’m so tired 😢

I know your pain it horrendous so tiring hard sad every emotion your body has but stay strong for your kids that's all you can do.. when I'm down I think of my daughter who is an absolute diamond. us woman are made of strong stuff we will get there.. thinking of you x

of all of 24 years I've been married never ever known my husband to be as selfish as he has been this last 7 months. he used to do anything for anyone at one time now it's all about him. it's hard to understand then you blame yourself even thou you don't know why!!!

Firsly, recognising he is depressed is a good step. Took me ages to figure out why my husband was an arse when he had a breakdown. Secondly tell him he needs to go to see a gp and get tablets. My husband was resistant to it and delayed, but I had got to the point where I was emotionally battered and exhausted and was going to boot him unless he did. He was resistant until I screamed he had a choice- to leave the house for good or come back when he had antidepressants in his hands.
It took a month or so for them to kick in, and longer for me to not walk on eggshells around him. He massively underplayed how horrible he was, until I told him that it got so bad every time the doorbell rang I hoped it was the police to tell me he was dead!!!

He has had another bought of antidepressants a few years later- thankfully I read the signs earlier and it didn’t get as bad- but he was still reluctant to get any!
Good luck, and take care of yourself also.

I cant believe ( although I'm a bit relieved) that there are so many of us in the same situation. This is happening to me too. My DH has been suffering on and off from depression for a year and has been out of work for most of that time. He's had jobs which he has given up because he couldn't cope. I sent him to his mothers a few weeks ago because I was so stressed and felt that him being around was not helping me or him. His mum lives in the countryside so I thought he'd spend the time helping her out, going for nice country walks with the dog, not have the stress of the family and I would get a break. Well, his mum has called and said he is in a bad state again and can I come and collect him! I am so angry! My DC's are both going into exam years. I want them to have a calm home environment, not this shit. Hes on anti depressants but they are clearly not working. He has registered for work coaching with MIND and for talking therapy, but it took so much nagging from me that he has only just done it so hasn't had any sessions (although they are now booked at least for a couple of weeks time). He was due to spend some time with the kids next week but I'm going to have to be there now. I'd hoped he would be able to have some space to sort this out and he'd be in a better place. The house while he has been away was so calm and fun. I come home from the gym now straight away. I hadn't even realised that I was avoiding it so that I could have space. I know it's not his fault but I just want to be free of it all.

yes I agree you think it's only you and is good to know more people are going through the same thing. I paid for my husband to go to a private therapy coz MIND was a waiting list this was in February he had 6 sessions then got MIND appointments he's had 10 of these also on anti deppressents yes seems a bit better but not like he was and is still living at a family members leaving me with all the stress of normal life. it's yet another day I go to bed and think when will this all end.. I feel lonely stressed fed up angry hurt every single day but I feel a sence of happiness when I can come on here and talk and read other people's stories and views on things that I'm going through

You are not responsible for his happiness. If you need him to step up then tell him. Set boundaries. Be available to talk if he wants but don't expect it. Tell him he needs to get better l. Plan to do everything you would normally do as if he's not there. Don't not do things because he's not feeling up to it. Protect yourself.

It's so hard though! He doesn't even live at home and I siang yesterday emailing people about benefits etc because he said he was overwhelmed. I do have ax tendency to just take over and do n things when others should be so I stood to myself I would just leave him to it but then the burden isn't on him but now his mum who is 80.

@brightsmiles what happened with the MIND sessions do you mind me asking? Was it CBT? Was he able to engage? Do you want him to come home?

don't mind sharing at all MIND helped him a little but I wasn't there so he would only tell me what he wanted to tell me a couple of sessions he went to he would come out upset even was crying once when I asked what had happened he said it was a hard session they can go deep into things she was asking about his kids family life and it had upset him as he'd told her he wasn't at home.. sometimes yes I want him to come home and sometimes no coz he isn't the same person and sometimes when he's been to the house I've felt like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of deadly silences bug then when he's gone I feel sad again it's an absolute nightmare everyday just wish there was a miracle cure.