Depressed Husband

[Pomatron]

Advice needed please.

Been with husband about 20 years and we have primary age children. The last few years his mental health has deteriorated and I think he is depressed. His behaviour is now affecting my mental health and I’m sure it’s affecting my kids too.
He’s a workaholic and has become increasingly isolated from all his friends and family. He shuts down and now basically doesn’t engage in family life at all so I’ve found myself doing everything and it’s so tiring. He tried AD and counselling and said they didn’t work so stopped both. I’m at breaking point and although I love him I think I want to leave as he doesn’t acknowledge that he is causing any problem in fact he turns it round and says I don’t help and that I make him not welcome. The thought of leaving scares me massively and the upheaval for the kids seems unfair but I dont see how I can continue like this. Any advice from anyone who’s been through something similar?

What always amazed me about depressed husbands is they somehow manage to withdraw from the family.

Whereas a women with PND has to keep going.

he isn't the same person and sometimes when he's been to the house I've felt like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of deadly silences bug then when he's gone I feel sad again it's an absolute nightmare everyday just wish there was a miracle cure.
Yes same here. I told him to go to his mums after I left him with the kids ( not babies, teenagers!) for a couple of days as I had a work course. I came back and the kids said he barely spoke to them, they were freaked out that he was being weird and just staring at them and wasn't speaking. Didn't even ask them how their day was. I said my kids were not going to be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home so he had to go, but now he's causing problems for his mum I think he has to come home and access the treatment while hes here.. I think I'm so resentful now though that for me the end goal for me is that he accesses treatment then we split properly. My children's last years of childhood are now this, so I don't think I can do 'Happily ever after' now, even if he fully recovers. And I know its not his fault but neither is it mine or the kids.

totally agree definitely think we are in the same boat my daughter is 15 and doesn't message or ring her on a daily basis could be 2 3 or 4 times a week just depends I've had many conversations with him and said how can u not want to speak to her and he doesn't awnser just stares with a blank look on his face I think I've been patient and understanding enough and I'm getting no where nearly 8 months in. I get so sick of getting up everyday feeling fed up with knots in my stomach and my daughter asking if we will see him today it's like he doesn't care about anyone or anything but himself it's just so unbelievable how a husband and father can do that to us! as I know that as a mother I couldn't I would speak text ring her every single day.. I just don't get it. but I am starting to give up hope now I have to put me and her first maybes it's time to call time on this absolute hell hole of a marriage I'm in.

I feel the same way. My husband has been like this for a year now. Although it did get better (he was sectioned) but he went downhill again a couple of months ago. I'm now going to have to explain to the kids that dads not well again and we're going to have to go and collect him and the house is going the be tense again. I did google something yesterday because I was worried that his depression would impact on their own mental health. I can't find it again which is irritating but it said that they need to know that the parents mental health problems are not their fault and that it isn't their job to fix them. They need to make sure they are looking after their own wellbeing. As well as giving them space to talk about what is concerning them.
I just don't know what to do once he is back home.My priority is protecting them. I'm so angry because these next couple of years of GCSE and A Levels will impact them for the rest of their lives and this is the last thing they need to worry about. We are going for a Sunday walk and then lunch and I'll talk to them about it but I just don't know how its going to pan out. I know I want out but just not how.

hope you enjoy your Sunday with the kids I'm going down the coast today with daughter and our dog. we made of tough stuff us woman. hang in there x

Counselling might or might not help but he might also need medication. Will he go to the GP? If he won't throw him out. Better he goes than all the disruption it will cause to the children by you moving with them. Depression is a serious illness but sometimes family members are expected to be able to make it better and cope with it unassisted, in way they are never expected to do when its a physical illness.

Thank you. And you. Hope you have a lovely day xx
Also OP @Pomatron Hope you're OK.

Can I just say those whose husbands are on antidepressants- make sure they still are, my husband was “feeling better” so took himself off them too soon without discussion with gp or me. He they accused me of wanting to keep him medicated which to me was a sign of his paranoia. It took me ages to persuade him he only felt better because of the meds not because he was!!!

@knottywig after thinking ' why aren't the millions of anti depressants working?' and believing him when he said he was on them he hasn't been taking them! I am fucking furious. So now I have to take him back because he needs to be under our trust to get all the v treatment and his mum has just been indulging him! I'm making him take them now but this is very much over.

@Stoppedlurking4thisi’m so sorry. At least you know now and can get it sorted. My Mil would have as well!

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Thanksxx Does anyone know about benefits and things if I ask him to get his own place? Does he have to apply for housing benefit? He's on UC but I need to sort that and get him signed off sick.

My friend was in a very similar situation. She left 8 months ago, and recently her youngest dc said that the last 8 months are the happiest she’s ever been. Don’t get me wrong, they have had the upheaval, they had to leave as he refused, but they are all a lot happier and the house is now happy and fun and the dc are thriving. Funnily enough my friend says she finds it a lot less stressful because she’s not having to look after her dh too, money is tight and she never gets a break, as her ex will only see the dc for 3 hours on a Thursday afternoon. But she’s so glad she left