Been sent evidence my partner has been unfaithful

[Namechangenumber756]

Received a message today from a friend’s exbf, with photos of messages sent between her and my partner. They may not actually have had sex (no evidence) but it was definitely on the agenda. There had been kissing and physical intimacy. These messages are from 3 years ago when DS was 4, and we’ve since had another child. Partner and friend’s ex were also friends of sorts. Friend’s ex had told partner he had evidence and to tell me, else he would. This was most recently discussed a couple of months ago, according to the screenshots I have seen. I haven’t responded to friend’s ex, and don’t intend to. What would you do now?

Horrible for you OP.

Surely you need to talk to your partner about this. But before you do you need to be clear in your mind as to whether this is a deal breaker for you .

Or whether you would be prepared to work with him to repair your relationship.

Personally I feel the fact the OW was a friend of yours makes it all the more of a betrayal.

Yes, there were 2 incidents that I’ve been made aware of. Both times will have happened after I’d gone to bed (tired mother of a 4 year old!). I’m due to see her in the next couple of days, but have obviously seen her plenty of times since, in the last three years.

How close are you to the friend? Can you confront her directly?

Horrible situation but as you say there was intimacy according to the screenshots so that’s just as much as a betrayal as actual sex. Is that the reason the person that messaged you is an ex?

We’re not super close. We’ve all been on holiday as friends (in a larger group) several times, and she’s helping me out with something this weekend. I don’t think I’d confront her before my partner.

Friend and ex have had a very stormy weird relationship. Difficult to know who to believe, he’s definitely a sh*t stirrer, and I wouldn’t have believed him if he hadn’t sent evidence. I think this is one of several reasons…

I believe several of our other friends may know about it too.

I think no matter the outcome of you confronting either of them, the evidence is right there staring you in the face. The trust is gone and there’s no way back from that. Good luck whatever happens OP

Friend’s ex had told partner he had evidence and to tell me, else he would

So your friend completely ignored that assuming he wouldn’t show you the screenshots?

And you think other friends might know too? These people are not your friends.

Sorry, friend’s ex told MY partner… so yes he’s clearly been living on edge that I may or may not be shown the screenshots, but didn’t tell me himself.

I know what you’re saying re friends, but it’s a big situation to get involved in. If we were to split up, it would greatly impact our friends’ lives too, and obviously there are kids involved too. I don’t know that I’d be brave enough to say anything 🤷‍♀️

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you have the evidence, so I’m surprised you’re saying you don’t know who to beleive, there isn’t a question. Is your desire to ignore it snd pretend you don’t know? Can you live like that? I mean I couldn’t, but there are some women who do pretend they don’t know their partner is cheating on them. I wish you luck in your decision, hope it works out for you.

He’s a cunt and she’s not your friend

Sorry, friend’s ex told MY partner…

Wait… so how do you know?

It is very tempting to immediately confront him but that is not what you should do first.

First you need to gather all information that you need and do any actions that you wish to do to ensure that if you do want to end the relationship then you can leading you in the best position. Things like:-

Knowing the details of all your finances including pensions
If all your cash is in a joint amount moving a fair share of it to an account he can’t access
Ensuring you have all the important documents (eg kids birth certificates, passports etc.)

Personally I would talk to a solicitor first as well to ensure you know exactly what you can and can’t do.

Once you confront him then you lose control of the situation. For all you know he may have been planning to leave you for months and have already made plans. You need to ensure that you are in a position where you can leave if you decide you want to.

Because the ex boyfriend then sent texts of evidence to OP, I think.

Just to clarify, I don’t like or trust Friend’s ex so I wouldn’t have believed him, had he not sent me screenshots of messages.

The messages were between Friend and my Partner, and between my Partner and Friend’s Ex. Friend’s Ex threatened to tell me if my Partner didn’t. Partner hasn’t told me, so Friend’s Ex has now sent me all the evidence.

That's pretty shitty of your partner, if it does turn out to be true. Does that mean she cheated on her ex partner with your partner? And why they are now no longer together?
Keep her as far away from your OH as possible, and don't mention anything about your family to her. Or you can gush about how happy you guys are together!

I can understand why you don't want to mention anything yet.

However you play it, hope it all works out in your favour.

I hope it was something fleeting and the idiot actually woke up to reality and realise he didn't want to lose his family with you!

I am so sorry.
As others have said, she's not your friend.
The friends that know are bystanders not upstanders.
Her ex is a shit-stirrer.
But your partner is a coward. A lying, cheating coward.

Your options?
Kick partner out.
Tell him you know but wtaf (and see how friend reacts when he tells her you know).
Ignore the messages entirely - do not dignify the ex with any response at all.
Break up the friendship group.
Tell your friend you forgive her but wtaf (and then wait to see what partner does when she tells him you know).

How is your relationship right now?
How long has your "b"f and ex been split up for?
He is acting out of hurt/being scorned/revenge, rather than concern for you.
Chances of your friend and partner still cheating?

I can’t quite work out the timings (I don’t recall when friend got together with her now ex), I think it might have been once before and once during her relationship.

Sorry to sound stupid, but, if he is a shit stirrer, could he have created these messages to make it look like this happened?

Couldn’t you say to the other woman tomorrow. I know what you did, do you want to give me your side now.

Our relationship is struggling through the efforts of raising 2 children. I’m tired, overwhelmed and get very little support, therefore my romantic intentions towards my partner are quite low anyway.

Friend and ex have been split up for just over a week, but regularly split up every 6 months or so. Like I said it is a very odd relationship. He is definitely acting out of revenge and he has picked his timing to have maximum impact on my life. I won’t give him that satisfaction. Chances are slim but not negligible, I’ll keep an eye on it for now.

He texted her. After he issued her partner an ultimatum and he ignored it.

I’m in the camp of “pretend you don’t know for now”

Get evidence from your DH phone (deleted messages/photos etc) to make sure you know the truth

get all your finances straight and documents/ passports all in a safe place - storage locker or your family?

Seek legal advice and start divorce proceedings with all your new knowledge of your finances

Quietly tell them both you know and you’re not going to shout about it, and that you don’t want awkwardness, you can forgive but that you’ll never look at them the same way again.

Never blame yourself. You’ve had children and he is a grown man who should be able to realise that and support you! Not betray you with YOUR friend!