DH doesn't know if he loves me but booked a holiday

[Pigsmayflyagain]

Dh has announced he is unhappy in our relationship and doesn't know if he can be happy with me. We have older children who have semi left home and 2 school age. I'm upset but I think even that annoys him that I'm reacting badly to this news.

He has booked a holiday for us and younger children in the summer holidays and I am feeling confused. Is this a test? Is he trying? Or is it an excuse to say he tried by even booking a holiday but that didnt work so he can leave guilt free having "done his best"?

Anyone with any experience? Is this another red flag for following the script / OW / he's checked out.

I think it's very rare a man leaves without lining up some kind of single life or OW first but if this is the case why bother with the holiday.

Sorry this has just happened in the last few days and so I'm a bit mixed up

I'd say he's trying to play happy families for your younger children.

Anything else can't be considered "trying" without some serious conversations with you and is him kidding himself on or gaslighting you.

I’d be surprised if he didn’t at least have his eye on someone .. he’s not fully out as he’s not sure so clearly hedging his bets in case the ow doesn’t work out. Like it could be just what he says but based on what I’ve seen and read on here highly unlikely. I’d take your power back .. full grey rock and I wouldn’t be going on any holiday with him until her sorts himself out. Cold sharp shock is what he needs. Begging , being upset just feeds their ego and makes them more allergic to you

Mid life crisis? Is he open to some good quality marriage therapy? Try to set some boundaries for yourself and be prepared to do things alone on holiday. In fact that might be helpful to do those things anyway. If he is like this it is probably good to make a plan for yourself. (Speaking from experience of a midlife crisis husband)
I just said I loved DH and that we would always be married. Does he say if he loves you?
Get some support for yourself. I think this is more common than we think. Men go a bit mad at a certain point in their life. If there is now OW is say in retrospect that carving some time for youself and and making some boundaries is very helpful.
Also a good marriage therapist who helps to encourage better communication and connection.

Is he trying to make things work? Would he also sign up to marriage counselling?

Men don’t think things through! My ex went from discussing booking really expensive holiday with dc (youngest just turned 18) to 10 days later deciding he wanted different things and a divorce - thankfully I hadn’t actually booked.

Has he anounced what it is that he's unhappy about?

I'd ask him what his plans are. It's not good enough to announce he is unhappy and it's basically your fault and then carry on as nothing has happened.

Is he intending to go get some counselling, try marriage guidance, explore what it is that is making him unhappy? If not I'd be saying, 'Ok, well I'm not prepared to settle for so little, so I'll file for divorce and we will split up" I have far too much self respect to stay with someone who has announced they don't think they can be happy in a relationship with me.

Let's hope he will be much happier once the assets are split and you are getting half his future pension.

I'd ask him if he's unhappy, what does he want to do about it? If he doesn't love you, why doesn't he leave? I'd also tell him that given what he's told you, I really don't feel like going on holiday with him. Maybe he can take the children and you can have some time to yourself to think about what you want to do (and get legal advice)

Tell him to take kids on holiday himself cause your not happy with him. Have some alone time to decide how you feel about relationship, tell him you will discuss outcomes once he comes back. It's not just his choice what happens in relationship. Don't waste time trying to think what he's thinking, find out your thoughts

Decide what you want to do. Mine did this then changed his mind. Later changed it back then again a fourth time saying he didn't want to separate after all. Sorry pal but that was too cruel after 10 years of marriage. He didn't have a choice in the end. I'd already decided that the trust had gone.These bloody idiot men and their midlife crisis. They can't make a decision and expect you to wait around while they decide. We'll fuck that I say.
Don't wait in limbo girl, take control of the situation.

So he’s booked a holiday, told you he doesn’t know if he wants to be with you and pissed that you’re upset? What a cunt! He expects you to be stoic whilst he gets to choose to leave or stay. I’d pack his bags and tell him he can take the youngest two on holiday himself. Why put yourself through the agony of waiting for his decision, he’s obviously got his eye on someone so tell him to leave now, instead of him expecting you to play happy family’s. That way you have made the decision, if he comes crawling back then you can go to marriage counselling to see if the relationship is worth saving.

Tell him to f... off.

You are not an option.

No second chances, get rid.
What a bastard.

He booked a family holiday without checking the timing and location with you (and with the older children, if they're studying/working)? That seems completely bizarre and unworkable to me, but don't want to make too much of it if it would seem OK to you had he not made the "unhappy" announcement.

Apart from that, I'd put the holiday aside for a moment, because the more immediate thing here is that he seems to have told you that he's thinking of leaving but undecided and left it at that. If he cannot or will not tell you any more about what is bothering him, why it has come up now, and what he is planning to do or what he sees as the options, I'd consider telling him to leave, now. But don't let him off the hook for his half of the childcare and childrens' expenses.

II would say no to the holiday. Don’t be letting him dictate what you are doing.

I think he is definitely looking at someone else. Maybe he is hedging his bets.
Im sorry I would definitely believe he is interested in someone else. Anything he does now is for himself. Don’t play along.

Well don’t go on the holiday because you’ll be miserable and he’ll be ringing the ow all the time.
My df was like this with my dm and there’s always another woman when they’re dithering.
Adulterous men are usually cowards imo.

I’ve just been through a similar situation OP. The difference is that our holiday had been booked, meticulously planned and looked forward to for a year. 5 days before we left I received a letter from his colleagues husband asking if I was suspicious they were having an affair. When I broached my husband it was all dismissed and denied, just good friends etc. he refused to show me their messages and then later deleted them as they had “her personal information in them” I wasn’t happy with any of his explanations or behaviour so confronted him again a couple of days later. Then I got the “I’m not happy but I dont know why, I want different things but I don’t know what” spiel. He suggested we go on that holiday “for a reset”. He refused to talk about any of this unhappiness, gave silly, pithy reasons but wouldn’t agree to try anything.

I can tell you that holiday was a living hell. I knew deep down my marriage was on its way out but I was banned from doing anything about it. Accused of emotional manipulation whenever I told him how I was feeling about his recent revelations, told he didn’t want to talk about it. All whilst stuck travelling around Germany in a hotel room with him and our daughter (who knew something was up, it’s impossible to hide). Please don’t do that to yourself, it was horrendous.

Of course they were having an affair by the way. I found proof the day after we returned.

Despite Germany being my daughter’s favourite country, she has said she could never now go back there because of how she felt on that holiday.

Please protect yours and your kids emotional wellbeing. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

He might be trying to make a nice last memory for himself with the kids before he leaves or is putting you on a last trial to make everything wonderful for him so he can make a final decision about whether or not you are up to snuff. Don't let him play you. Your marriage is over. Take control now. What you do want to happen next?

Have you been having problems in your marriage or was everything going well and it’s a bolt out of the blue to say this to you.
His selfish disregard for you has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. He’s put you on “trial” but you don’t know why. This is very upsetting for you. Is there any way you can do a bit of snooping. Bad as it sounds, this is the situation you are in as your husband has broken your trust.

Cherchez la femme!

I definitely wouldn't be going on a holiday that my husband booked without consulting me, and after telling me 'he's not sure if he can be happy with me'!!! Tell him to take the younger children on holiday, without you, because you're not prepared to 'play happy families', whilst he plays Russian roulette with your marriage. Either he wants to be in the marriage or he doesn't, there's no in-between. At a guess I'd say he's hedging his bets, most likely there's another woman in the wings somewhere. Men rarely leave a relationship, unless there's someone and somewhere else to run to. Whilst he's away, take the opportunity to gather financial information and see a solicitor for advice.

Another one here to say don't read anything in to the holiday.
Listen to what he has said about not being happy in your relationship and don't be confused by the holiday.
He may well want a last holiday as a family before the split & won't see or understand how confusing and potentially damaging that will be for you & your children.

He may want to leave you but leaving the comfort and love of the family unit is harder and is why men flip flop around at this time.

He could have booked a getaway for the two of you to reconnect & discuss your relationship but he hasn't so I would take what he has said about his feelings for you as where he is at & begin to process that & make plans for yourself.
And don't go on the holiday, it will likely be hell for you.

I would also recommend that you let him take the kids on holiday without you. If he asks why tell him it will give him experience for when he has them 50% of the time. As per PP take back your power with this. He doesn’t get to upset you then be angry that you are upset. Do not do the pick me dance, you will lose your self respect.

@Totallyaddictedtoshoes sorry that happened to you, sounded horrendous x

My ex was pushing to book a summer holiday (it was feb and we were in marriage counselling). He had also agreed to a Scotland holiday for Easter which was booked. We were separated by middle of March and the other woman came to light by the end of March. He had been having an affair since the summer before. He had been telling me he didn't love me for 5 months hence the counselling. In the end I had to tell him to leave. I will never understand the male brain in these situations! Its been over 2 years now and I still dont get it!

@addictedtoshoes im.sorry to read that. Sending love. How bloody awful.for.all.of you.