Maybe he is the problem?

[jessty]

Long story short, I've just had the realisation that perhaps I'm not always to blame for every problem in my marriage!

Been married over 20 years, husband is a really great guy and wonderful dad but has always been a little insecure. On several different occasions, he has suggested I was chatting up other men etc but more recently he is becoming really hyper aware of our (sometimes waning) sex life. For a long time, when discussed, I've always come away feeling like the one in the wrong (I'm not affectionate/bit of a cold fish etc etc). I've tried so much to help (therapy, hrt, supplements etc) but after a minor row last night I had a lightbulb moment. What if I'm not the problem? What if he is part of it too? He is obviously riddled with insecurities and while I am guilty of not being very affectionate, maybe that's just my personality?

Has anyone else come to this conclusion too? I spend so long tending to everyone else I often forget maybe it's not always me who is responsible,

I’m in a similar boat, and had the realisation recently that his moods and lack of emotional intimacy has caused the rift in my marriage / sex life.

It’s been a huge shock and blown my whole view of the marriage apart. How’s the rest of your relationship?

Reminds me of that quote.

Something like before you blame yourself make sure you're not surrounded by arseholes. Forget who said it now.

But in answer to your question. You're not responsible for his insecurities. Tell him to get help. The more insecure he gets the more vociferous the accusations will become.

Overall, its actually a really happy relationship but he needs physical intimacy and I don't really. I know I'm the blocker to the physical side but he needs to to feel like our relationship is on track. Makes him insecure otherwise. Deeper issues there though I think

Well said. I don't ever really poibf put his flaws. Presumably because I was always made to feel like I was the problem. And I am to a degree but he can't not have short comings too.

Just a point on this - I used to feel like you with my exH. And I thought maybe I just wasn’t into the physical side. My H used to try and manipulate me into sec and doing things I didn’t want to and would sulk if I said no.

When we separated I actually found it was being with him that was the issue. I certainly had much better sex with other men. I actually enjoyed it. For all exHs tales of how wonderful he was and I’d never find anyone like him, and how no one would put up with the shit sex I ‘gave’ him, it was quite miraculous to feel like that (and realise that it was he who was just not very good at it - he was my first).

Physical intimacy does mean a lot - I mean affection and just general loving behaviour. Not just sex. And sometimes it’s just being with the right person.

@crazymayfly that sounds awful. I'm glad you found better elsewhere. Tbh, my husband never says anything demoralising and is mostly understanding but it sometimes comes to a head when he just has a go about me not showing affection. It is very true but instead of thinking about the role he plays in that, he always just suggests the problem is me. I'm keeping an eye on it for now. Things are generally very happy but I suspect it's because we don't communicate well

Back again after my August post. Now in October and out last night with husband to a friends party. Same jealous behaviour from DH came out again when some friends of friends got talking to us. On the face of it he was fine and chatting with these people too but then we had a row on the way home. He said that one of these guys clearly had intentions and it wasn't just friendly chatter. We were literally all in a conversation together and all three men were married with children etc. It's starting to wear me down now. I'm becoming hyperaware of who I'm talking to and how I behave. He's very careful to make it about the other person and doesn't accuse me directly (well he can't because I haven't done anything).

What is this behaviour? Is this coersive control? Jealousy? Whatever it is, it isn't normal. He is pretending today like nothing happened and I'm just avoiding him. I'm sick of being the one to raise all these things to be put right and I'm worried its becoming a bit too regular now. He's always been a bit like it but think I might have been blind to it. Any thoughts?

It’s a behavior which can be part of coercive control. Can you think of other behavior over the years that you would call controlling?

TBH, it doesn’t matter what label you give it. It’s not making you happy. That's the point .

I left a long relationship, longer than yours, for such behavior coupled with a lot more.

Looking back, I see the seeds of it from the very beginning, maybe you do too?

I personally don’t believe people really change So you need to decide if this is going to be your life for the rest of your life? Some serious thinking needed

This is abusive behaviour from him. In his head he thinks you are cheating on or will cheat with any other man so he wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

I would seriously consider if this is a marriage you want to remain in (no). The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Reading Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft could also help you.

He will not change and he does this too because he can. This is who he really is and he will continue to ramp up the power and control against you. Do not further turn yourself into a pretzel by trying to understand him, plan your exit. Do not go into any joint counselling with him either.

"He is obviously riddled with insecurities and while I am guilty of not being very affectionate, maybe that's just my personality?"

I think this could be a love language thing for want of a better term. A lot of people think that their preferred way of expressing love is The Way to express love. If they don't receive love in this way, they assume they can't really be loved by that person.

So to me, your husband needs an affectionate, tactile partner with a compatible sex drive. If he isnt in a relationship where those things are present, he feels insecure. While that is a personality flaw, if you want to assign blame, it is quite usual to not be able to feel your best self when you aren't in an ideal relationship.

This isn't to justify how he acts when he feels this way, but I don't think the only solution is that he needs to learn to feel loved without affection. If I was his friend, I'd advise he ends this relationship and seeks a partner who has compatible needs and desires from a relationship. I think he would feel more secure and if he does need personal therapy to work on his self esteem, he would be in a better environment to do that without this relationship with you.

I'm terms of other behaviours, nothing else really raised red flags for me. He was always like this on nights out or events.

I was a stay at home mum for many years so there wasn't much else by way of mixing with colleagues etc. I am working again now and I find myself pre-emptively explaining any make colleagues as ‘gay’ or ‘old’ etc to quell his potential jealousy.

It's so tricky because we do actually have a happy relationship most of the time and a really happy home for our kids. It feels really alien when we have these episodes but I'm worried its happening more frequently, even after we have discussed it. He doesn't do anything to help it even though he has stated that he has a few issues around it.

Interesting perspective. And if you were my friend? What advice would you give me?

I'd say the same to you. It's also hard on you when you're not an affectionate person and can feel pressured to think that you don't "love properly" because you arent affectionate or whatever the incompatibility may be. I would remind you that his need for affection isn't unreasonable, irrational or even unusual because you phrase it as if he should just "suck it up".

Some people would (wrongly) argue that you should expect intimate affection as part of a loving relationship.

I just think youve got to be matched on your desires and expectations.

So to sum up, I'd also query if you'd be happier apart.

I used to do that. You are tip toeing around him. And the more you shrink yourself the more he will demand you shrink further.

I can’t pretend to understand the drivers. But that control is something some people crave

The thought of leaving is probably now incredible to you , but you only get one life. Just one

I will probably never have another relationship, and I am perfectly happy with that.

Being single is nothing to be scared of. And after 2 decades of trying to appease an abusive narcissist, it’s bliss.

In my experience, this only gets worse. The problem is his and he is making it yours. Atilla who has posted upthread and , who often posts on threads such as this, is very wise indeed. And well worth listening to.

Yes, that makes sense but in behaving this way he is literally pushing me away. Anyone would struggle to be affectionate towards someone who keeps kicking off when you speak to someone of the opposite sec. Perhaps up has just happened so many times that I feel a bit worn out by it. There are only so many times I can face in to this

Yes and that is understandable. He obviously has self esteem/insecurity issues anyway, I just believe he won't be able to sort them out while trying to sustain a relationship which doesn't meet his intimate needs. And I don't just mean sex.

Ideally he'd tackle them as a single man

@donttellempike yes, makes sense. It's just so confusing because 99.9% of the time, we have a great relationship. It's just this. It muddled my brain a bit

I don't think he is up for tackling any of his issues tbh. I have suggested therapy etc before but he isn't interested. Doubt he would do it off his own steam

It’s called the cycle of abuse. He was a horror all the time you’d have gone ages ago.

This confusion you experience is part of the cycle of abuse. The relationship works fine well when you are doing what he wants. and only then

Really think about that

Well that would be up to him. I think you can decide if you are right for each other without his input tbh.

Is this behaviour on the way home connected to alcohol ? Some men change personality after a few drinks..so wondering about that.
After his behaviour last night l would sit him down and give him a good telling off. Say l am not standing for this again: l am not cheating: have no intention of cheating so back off and never introduce this topic again after a night out. I am not having it anymore as it's totally disrespectful to me. Turn on your Rothweiler side just for a few sentences as l feel you have been bowing to his carry on..and it is him! . Turn the tables on him so he knows it's no longer an acceptable accusation. If he has insecurities that's up to him to sort.

Abusers are not nasty all the time because if they were no one would want to be with them. He would not do this behavior to a work colleague or to say this to someone in the outside world would he, no this treatment is reserved solely for you and it’s unacceptable.

Your relationship may be ok to you most of the time (although I would think the 99.9 was plucked out of very thin air) but this comes up again and again and it will certainly happen again. Your 99.9% needs revising downwards.

What you are describing is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. He does not have to hit you to hurt you. He really does think you’re going to cheat on him with any other man you come across when you are away from him. He really does want to keep you in a cage of his paranoid making. It’s not your fault he has decided to embark on his private based war against you like this. And it’s of no surprise at all he’s not open to therapy (this is also because he would be called out on his controlling behavior. He would rather blame you for his inherent ills and such types too hate women, all of them.