Maybe he is the problem?

[jessty]

Long story short, I've just had the realisation that perhaps I'm not always to blame for every problem in my marriage!

Been married over 20 years, husband is a really great guy and wonderful dad but has always been a little insecure. On several different occasions, he has suggested I was chatting up other men etc but more recently he is becoming really hyper aware of our (sometimes waning) sex life. For a long time, when discussed, I've always come away feeling like the one in the wrong (I'm not affectionate/bit of a cold fish etc etc). I've tried so much to help (therapy, hrt, supplements etc) but after a minor row last night I had a lightbulb moment. What if I'm not the problem? What if he is part of it too? He is obviously riddled with insecurities and while I am guilty of not being very affectionate, maybe that's just my personality?

Has anyone else come to this conclusion too? I spend so long tending to everyone else I often forget maybe it's not always me who is responsible,

Giving you spaghetti head is oar for the course in abusive relationships.

Remember too that abuse is about power and control. It is not a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of. He wants absolute power and control
over you. Worryingly too you’re also now having to describe men as either gay or old in an attempt to stop his verbal grilling of what you did and who you saw.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is not the model to be showing them because they could well go on to be controlled or the abuser in their relationships. This type of abuse does creep up on people unawares but once you see it you cannot unsee it. I hope you ultimately break free of him because it does your kids no favours to see their dad act like this towards their mum.

Its all been said by PP. I would add that he could be cheating or has cheated. people who cheat know how easy it is and therefore are more diligent and insecure around their primary relationship. You describe all the behaviours my ex had and they cheated three times.
Try flipping the conversation. Ask him if he's insecure because he's cheated in the past or is cheating. See what his reaction is.

Thanks all. After a somewhat tense weekend and him trying to get us back on track, we have had a chat and he has admitted that this behaviour is a problem. The ball is now firmly in his court to do something about it which he reckons he will. I can predict that we will go back to normal and nothing will be done until it happens again.

The thought had crossed my mind that there could be more to it and while I don't think he has been unfaithful, I do wonder if there may have been someone who piqued his interest and he didn't act on it. Subconsciously feeling guilty about it? Who knows? There was someone at work who's name cropped up a few times in a short space of time but I didn't think much of it at the time. I could be wrong and maybe he's been in an all out affair but my gut doesn't think so. Watch this space!

I do have a sinking feeling though but it's just a bit of a sadness that I have had to battle through another one of these episodes. I’m kicking myself for allowing him to have so much control over the years while I've been a stay at home mum. It was the right decision for us as I was lucky to be in that position but it has left me without any of the basics if I needed to leave. Everything we have is joint so I have nothing of my own, so to speak. I am working now so need to redress the balance there.

Thanks for all the advice