Could my wife be cheating?

[JPI7]

Background

Married 20 years - Me (55) her (48) - 2 teen kids.

I noticed in the week that she has completely shaved her pubic hair off. This is the first time she has ever done this in all the time I have known her. She was always so against this with “This is how nature intended it” type comments.

She is also spending more time out with her groups (hobbies) and staying out later with these groups. Half an hour here, an hour there.

I asked her about it but she just said “I just fancied a change”

something just feels a bit off at the moment. I can’t pinpoint it for sure just get a feeling. She is on her phone an awful lot too.

Do I just turn a blind eye or address my concerns? All a bit new for me this. Not sure what to say ?

Perhaps I am just feeling a bit insecure and overreacting.

Thanks.

Nope.

Probably not, but those gut feelings are hard to ignore and once the suspicion is there, it’s so difficult to let it go, speaking from experience, the phone issue is the one that tends to raise the concerns the most, but is likely nothing at all

Possibly. How's your relationship been for the past few years? Do you still make an effort with each other or do you live like roommates or does she has she carried the bulk of the life admin and come to resent you? How open are you with each other about the state of your relationship and what you want from your lives now the kids are older?

Perimenopause does some crazy stuff to our hormones and the extra headsppace created by the kids becoming more independent/ less needy is prime time for women to start reassessing their lives!

We are not as close sexually as we were. More friends who raise kids together.

I do more of the life admin stuff and house stuff so not leaving it all to her.

We have drifted apart over the years.

We have gut feelings for a reason OP. If something is off then you'll feel it.

I wouldn't turn a blind eye, you need a proper chat with your wife about your marriage and the future.

All of which can lead to the decision that maybe there is something else out there, the things you are concerned about on the whole probably apply to lots of people, but add in drifting apart and the lack of being close sexually and the concerns do seem to increase. Have you tried being direct and expressing your concerns, you would probably just get a “ don’t be stupid” response but at least it’s out in the open then. Sometimes suspicions are correct

Not yet but probably will need to. I know I will get that response though and maybe worse.

I’d be suspicious under these circumstances @JPI7, I certainly wouldn’t rule it out completely but I’ve been at the betrayed end of an affair and everything you mention could be red flags.

You need to have an open discussion about the state of your marriage and take it from there.

Sorry you’re going through this because this really is a horrid feeling.

Gut instincts are often correct. I pushed mine to one side when I suspected my husband and decided I was being paranoid, and I was super annoyed at myself when it turned out to be true. Clearly you can't prove anything at the moment, but I would by hyper vigilant if I were you.

I would wait til I had some more evidence before confronting her. If she is cheating she may well gaslight you in to you thinking you are crazy and it’s all in your head.
Can you verify she’s at the hobbies she says she is somehow? Or can you get access to her phone/bank/emails?

these are the recommendations other mumsnettees would give you if the genders were reversed 😊

I wouldn’t be surprised. Women seem to hit that age, hate their husband and want a fresh injection of excitement into their lives.

@Sadcafe : "Have you tried being direct and expressing your concerns, you would probably just get a “ don’t be stupid” response but at least it’s out in the open then. Sometimes suspicions are correct"

The danger with this approach is that, if she is having an affair (and there's no real evidence she is) it'll just spur her into being more careful - and that's just one of the consequences. Affairs are insidious. I'd say to @JPI7 you need more evidence before you say anything.

Def get some evidence together before you talk to her about it.
I would also banking and other things sorted out just in case you split up.

Yep, tbf I would discuss the marriage but not the suspicion of an affair and I’d go snooping and I wouldn’t give a monkeys what people thought of that.

Unless you go snooping (which I'm not advocating) you won't know. But you've acknowledged that your marriage isn't in the best place now and needs effort from you both. Have a conversation about this and maybe start scheduling a regular date night. With the aim of getting back to seeing each other as partners/lovers rather than friends.

Listen to your gut. My ex husband shaved all his pubes when he was having an affair and I did actually confront him but he had no reasonable excuse. He also bought a lot of new underwear. It’s probably better not to throw accusations around but I’d watch and wait and see how she behaves. You don’t want to give her a heads up that you’re suspicious because that will just make her more cautious. I really hope it’s not the case for you OP, but if something is telling you that things are “off”, I’d listen.

If you have access to her phone you could track her via Google maps tracking.

I would also speak to her every time she comes back from her hobbies and politely ask what happened, were her friends what did they say and do?

Thanks all for your responses. I’ll keep vigilant I think and then decide how to approach it.

it’s more the changes in behaviour that when added together make me a bit suspicious. The hobby group is mixed sex so it’s not completely beyond the realms of possibility that someone has turned her head. I also noticed on FB that she had received a message from an old boyfriend last year but he lives abroad so no real threat. I did wonder how they got back in touch though as she has a different name now. I left it at the time but who knows. It’s all very confusing.

I have never checked her phone or even know how to know where it is when out.

If she was looking outside your marriage for some attention/ excitement would you want to try and repair and reconnect or would that be the end for you?

I think it depends what you want in the long term as to how you play this. Watching/ waiting/ snooping/ gathering evidence is fine if you are planning on ending the relationship but if you think you would want to get back on track then far better to start with a conversation asap to limit the damage to you and your relationship. The longer the affair (if there is one) persists and the more deceit you become aware of, the harder it will be to rebuild.

I don’t know. Our kids will be off to Uni in the next few years and part of me wonders what will become of us at the point. We seem to have slowly grown apart and the gap has widened over the last few years. We don’t seem to have anything in common anymore. Very confusing.

Hope it turns out well, had the whole reconnecting with an old boyfriend from many years ago thing,also lives abroad, she contacted him and it moved from an innocuous happy birthday to going to him for emotional support and saying how he understood her situation as he’d been through it, wondered how she knew after so many years. It was finding that out that triggered my suspicions, , didn’t snoop then her initial chat was on an open forum about the town she lived in ,developed after that,still together but only after a massive row about it and it always feels like I can’t trust her anymore. As people say, gather the evidence then decide what to do but don’t just completely ignore it.

Thanks. Will do. Yes the old boyfriend just happened to be the one she always mentioned the most in our early days. “The one that got away”

I think she is yes. That's suspicious behaviour for sure. She isn't shaving pubic hair for a change. I'd look for evidence if possible.

If you just keep quiet and let it drift then you are complicit in the end of your marriage too. Doing nothing/ being passive / sticking your head in the sand (while hoping she'll be the one to do something explosive and be the bad guy) is as much a decision as shaving your pubes and (possibly!) looking for connection elsewhere.

Thanks. If it was something she did regularly then I wouldn’t have noticed at all. This is the first time in the 20 odd years I have been with her though so a very unusual act for her to do. I’ll keep my eye on things.