Could my wife be cheating?

[JPI7]

Background

Married 20 years - Me (55) her (48) - 2 teen kids.

I noticed in the week that she has completely shaved her pubic hair off. This is the first time she has ever done this in all the time I have known her. She was always so against this with “This is how nature intended it” type comments.

She is also spending more time out with her groups (hobbies) and staying out later with these groups. Half an hour here, an hour there.

I asked her about it but she just said “I just fancied a change”

something just feels a bit off at the moment. I can’t pinpoint it for sure just get a feeling. She is on her phone an awful lot too.

Do I just turn a blind eye or address my concerns? All a bit new for me this. Not sure what to say ?

Perhaps I am just feeling a bit insecure and overreacting.

Thanks.

Shaving her pubes isn't suspicious on its own, but in the context of what you've said, it might be an outward sign of something else. If shes never done it before, then it would flag up as a concern in this case. I think you probably need to check her phone. Call logs, WhatsApp messages, Facebook messages or any dating apps. Awful thing to do, but it'll put your mind at rest.

I have no idea obviously.

my thoughts would be- do her hobbies include gym/sport/swimming or is she going on holiday soon? These could be reasons she’s decided to shave (and there are others too obvs)

Staying out 30 mins longer for a hobby or with friends now that kids are older is completely normal imho.

you have BOTH drifted apart. Based on what you’ve said she’s as likely to be having an affair as you are. I personally wouldn’t mention your suspicions as she may be offended and DEFINITELY don’t invade her privacy. But have a chat about how you would (or wouldn’t?) like to reconnect

I would say it’s likely - sorry!

I would watch and wait.... Don't say anything unless you have strong evidence.

I have unfortunately, been on the wrong end of this sort of situation. Shaving pubes, staying out a bit later, and delaying coming to bed were some of the few signs in my situation. Often she was just 30 mins or so late but it later turned out she was leaving work 90 mins early and arriving home 30 mins late so having 2 hours.

So besides being suspicious and having doubts about the future , are you doing anything to make things better? Now the kids are growing up what are you doing to make your time together fun? Are you going to get involved in her hobbies, suggest new ones together? Connect more? Remember why you fell in love in the first place. Sounds as though you are standing by at the moment.

I’ll be honest - with that many little reasons to have suspicions I’d be trusting my gut feeling enough to snoop. I don’t really care what anyone else thinks about snooping - 90% of the time on here when an OP updates its to say snooping confirmed their gut feelings. And I’d rather a partner of mine snooped and found nothing than went around thinking I might be having an affair, when I’m married I can’t say I’m bothered about the “privacy” aspect because there’s nothing there they can’t / shouldn’t see.

I’d generally agree other than the being married means there’s nothing they can’t/ shouldn’t see, there shouldn’t be if everything is fine between you but the whole issue here is the suspicion something is wrong and it can turn out that the partner has things they definitely don’t want you to see and can go to some length to hide it, archiving messages seems to be one way on things like messenger or locking the chat on WhatsApp, in the extreme new email address’s etc in another name but on the phone

Everything you have said would certainly raise my hackles.
People behave in a certain way so we notice when things change.
Do you actually know she is at her hobbies? Very easy to pretend to be, especially if you don’t know anyone from the group
might be worth a snoop to see if she’s got new sexier underwear hidden away.
I wouldn’t raise your suspicions, if she is cheating or thinking of doing so she’ll just become more careful

No I don’t know.

Sorry but i’d say you’re right to be suspicious given her previous stance on it.

Bit of an update, I did snoop and unfortunately I found confirmation. She had been away a week or so ago (supposedly with friends) but I found evidence that wasn’t the case and she has been away with a man. I also found lots of calls in her call log to the same number going back months.

She admitted it last night. He is married too so that’s two marriages ruined for the sake of a cheap thrill.

Anyway- Thanks for all your input.

Aww @JPI7 i am so sorry. I remember those early days well. It is so utterly devastating.

Please take care of yourself, self care is hugely important as you will be in shock. A trauma response is very likely. If you need ongoing online support I can’t recommend surviving infidelity enough. They have amazing moderators there who will virtually hold your hand through it all. Also the book ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ is great reading to get a sense of how utterly predictable and scripted the next few months will be.

Do make sure the other betrayed spouse knows, that will give her, her personal agency back which is important.

Again I’m so sorry it turned out this way.

Sorry to hear that, I suppose for anyone else with those nagging doubts, it shows once again how often that gut instinct is right, even when the actual evidence initially seems slim.

@JPI7I’m so sorry to read this and suspected as much as I had a similar experience. It’s a shock like no other and admittedly the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through (more so than having cancer). I would ask her to leave for a few days to give you some space. Do continue to use this thread as support. Take some time to think about what you want. See your GP if you need. Make sure you eat and keep hydrated. Perhaps seek some legal advice when you feel able. I’m really really sorry that this has happened to you.

Sorry to hear this and keep strong.
You are a good man - you didn't deserve this and there are decent people out there and you have your kids.

Wishing you the absolute best for the future