Is it ok for DH to shout at me?

[Chatsworthduck]

Any disagreement or attempt to reason with DH escalates into him shouting at me, I’m not sure if this is normal or not ok? I don’t know how to tell him I’m not happy with something without this happening. He says he hates my attitude and that if I disagree with him, he’ll leave, so of course I tell him he’s right.

For example I’m not happy that I’ve got up in the night for the past 3 nights with our DS, we both work full time and I’m also pregnant. But when I asked DH to do a turn he said he didn’t like my attitude and shouted at me for ages about how I always expect the worst of him. Is this normal? I know it sounds ridiculous but I really don’t know any more.

Urgh sounds like my dad and sister unable to disagree about anything without raising there voice

Well I don’t really shout back I would just like to have a discussion?

Not normal, I genuinely couldn’t think of a single tile in our entire relationship that my husband has shouted at me. We are both capable of communicating without needing to raise voices & we are both very much of the mindset that if someone is shouting I’m not listening.

Pregnancy and birth are flashpoints for abusers to show themselves in their true light.

Stop telling him he’s right.

He’d be doing you a favour by leaving. However he will not readily go as he gets his washing and cooking done as well as having you around to mistreat as he sees fit. He’s too bloody lazy to go too.

He does not treat his work colleagues or other people in the outside world like this does he.

What is happening here is that you are in an abusive relationship. It could only be a matter of time before your son starts copying dad too. What do you think your child is learning about relationships from seeing all this?. You have a choice re this man, your children do not. I would seriously consider contacting Women’s Aid here when he’s out.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. It is also not a relationship issue.

And the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He isn’t always very nice to his mum actually, I know she feels scared of him as well sometimes. But he says we are trying to gaslight him into believing he’s not a nice person.

No, not normal and not ok.

It’s not acceptable for anyone to shout at you.

Grown adults use their words to communicate with people when they’re not happy.

You should be able to have discussions about things, see each others points of views and come to a middle ground without him screaming and shouting like a toddler having a tantrum.

He is setting an example to your children as to what is acceptable and they will mirror him in the future or they will accept other people treating them like this.

It must be a very tense household for everyone not knowing when will be the next time Daddy is going to shout at Mummy.

His mum feels scared of him AS WELL.
Obviously too late now but why are you bringing another baby into this mix? He’s not going to suddenly turn into a nice person is he?!
You need to stop agreeing with him all the time and calmly say you’ll speak to him when he can act like an adult.

Let him leave then. Personally I don't put up with anyone shouting at me unless they are warning me about some percieved /real danger or they are calling me.
Someone shouts in my face I just ignore and respond with "It's okay, no need to shout I'm not deaf." Then give them my psycho stare and that generally shuts most peeps up.😀

I bet he doesn’t shout at people at work.

it’s not normal. It’s abusive.

That is gaslighting you about gaslighting! He isn't a nice person!

Its abusive and nasty, not normal - can you stay with a friend or family? He shouldn't be shouting at you

If anyone is being gaslighted here it is you and by him chatsworth duck.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

It’s not okay, but I must confess that there have been a few occasions where I’ve shouted in an argument because DH has an awful habit of shutting down and refusing to have a discussion during a disagreement. I get terribly frustrated at being stonewalled and have ended up raising my voice in order to be heard.

That said, i accept it is wrong. As is stonewalling. Luckily we only argue about once a year!

So it’s just women he treats this way?

He sounds utterly horrible and abusive.

Let him leave. No in fact pack his bag.

My husband and I have never shouted at each other.

It’s not normal, is threatening and abusive. He shouts, you shut up. You stop raising issues because you don’t want to be shouted at.

I could not live like this. You have children together, do you want them raised in this sort of dysfunctional environment?

You're scared of him, his mother is scared of him. This is not normal.

He says he hates my attitude and that if I disagree with him, he’ll leave

Focus on what he does, not what he says. Seek help from Womens' Aid where you can get professional advice, and reassurance from people who have heard it all before that this is not how you have to live. You're pregnant with a young child and you're in a vulnerable position, please get some help and support.

Sounds like he either drinks a bit too much. Or takes something else. No he shouldn't shout, certainly not in the circumstances you describe. None of us are perfect and may have an occasional shout 2 way, but like every few months.

It’s the content of what he’s saying, not the shouting so much. Threatening, lazy, argumentative, critical, defensive, and the fact his mum seems afraid of him is awful.

Minor disagreements at high volume? No biggie. Nasty stuff like this and shouting? Pretty bad, horrible for you and your child to be around.

So he verbally bullies and berates his pregnant wife and his mother. Lovely.

not a nice man is he @Chatsworthduck

how would you feel when he starts treating his children like this. Shouting and screaming in their faces when they go against daddies wishes.

Will you stay and watch them tiptoe around his fragile moods like their mother does?

The moment someone as raised their voice is the moment they have lost the argument.

Simple answer - NO.