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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

GF is an alcoholic

41 replies

TravelMoose · 05/08/2025 03:30

Started seeing a lady 8yrs my junior, she's lovely but she drinks to the point of passing out 3/5 days a week after work.

She also smokes weed vape pens.

It's really impacted us and our love life as it's a huge turn off for me. I don't want to have sex with her like that.

She's told me she's had some issues as she lost her parents so young and I want to be supportive.

Recent though she says I'm boring because I don't consume alcohol like that.

I've told her I have ED so I don't have to explain the truth about not wanting sex with her, I'm afraid it will upset her.

I feel this is going nowhere but when she's sober she's great.

OP posts:
Whatatodo79 · 05/08/2025 03:44

You're not compatible are you. If you end it you should tell her why, may be enough to give her pause for thought and to get herself together going forward

CalicoPusscat · 05/08/2025 04:09

She needs to recognise she's got a problem and seek some assistance otherwise it won't work out

Monty27 · 05/08/2025 04:30

She needs somebody but it's not you

Catladywithoutacat · 05/08/2025 04:45

She needs help

Jellybean23 · 05/08/2025 06:31

Don’t stay with her out of pity because she lost her parents. That’s not a good enough reason for staying in the relationship.

TwistedWonder · 05/08/2025 06:32

What are you getting out of this?

InSpainTheRain · 05/08/2025 06:35

Dump her and move on. Look after yourself instead because looking after an alcoholic will break you sorry OP.

LookingAtMyBhunas · 05/08/2025 07:39

Agreed you need to tell her the reasons why and finish it.

SingedElbow · 05/08/2025 07:41

Of course it’s ’going nowhere’. End it.

Plumis · 05/08/2025 07:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

teenmaw · 05/08/2025 08:09

Mate she’s an adult now, losing her parents young is no excuse for being an alcoholic now, which she is. I’ve been here, wasted 20 years excusing someone’s behaviour with a million of their excuses when the truth is they aren’t ready or willing to address it. This won’t get better, it’ll get worse.

Hibiki · 05/08/2025 08:16

That sounds really tough. I can see you care about her and want to be there for her, especially with everything she’s been through. But honestly, if I were in your shoes, I’d probably start thinking about stepping back. If the drinking and weed are happening that often and it’s affecting your connection, especially your intimacy, that’s a big deal. I’d want to be with someone I can be close to and feel safe being honest with, not someone I have to make excuses to. When someone’s great only when they’re sober, it just makes things more confusing. You’ve got to look after yourself too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2025 08:23

You will end up being her enabler at a very high cost to you personally and emotionally.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Why did you choose this woman of all people to be in a relationship with?.

Being a rescuer or saviour in a relationship never works. You are right in one respect; this relationship is indeed going nowhere. Her primary relationship is with drink, not you. And you cannot be honest with her either. This is a sham, let her go.

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 05/08/2025 08:28

She thinks her drinking is normal, because for her it is. I would have an honest conversation with her about it, see if she is willing to cut down. Alcohol use like that will make feel better for a short time but worse over all.

HerewardtheSleepy · 05/08/2025 08:43

Get out now. I knew a guy whose DW was similar to this. They divorced after having two DCs and it was horribly messy.

Don't become that guy.

MyNewFish · 05/08/2025 09:17

She's damaged. Hard not to be in this day and age. And yes, drinking and taking drugs is a way to escape trauma. I know about this all too well.

Going into a relationship with this kind of baggage isn't a good idea though. We have this notion that everyone deserves, and needs to prioritise, a romantic partnership, but that’s not the case.

We should prioritise ourselves and being a well rounded, happy person so that when we take that person into a romantic partnership we are actually able to give them a whole, well person, not a project, emotional punching bag, trauma dumping ground, or healer.

I don't think anyone with a drinking problem or other chronic condition is suitable for a romantic partnership, or any type of partnership. They need to heal and get well before they can offer anyone anything. And being in a romantic relationship is only going to defer that process. They will leave it all to their partner to try to heal them. That’s what she's doing here. She's not working on this issue, and it is an issue. Instead she's bringing it to your door.

This should be a deal breaker for anyone. As you say, you don't want to have sex with her passed out, it's not intimacy. You feel icky about being with her because it is icky. She's not at full mental capacity if she's this far deep into a binge drinking problem.

mindutopia · 05/08/2025 10:12

I don’t think this is the relationship for you. I speak as a recovering alcoholic myself. She needs to sort herself out. You need someone who suits you and is deserving of your time and energy.

Backtothebestbits · 05/08/2025 10:15

Eww that would really put me off a bloke of he had alcohol issues like this. She’s not going to change - time to move on.

Shellyash · 05/08/2025 10:17

She's a problem, don't make her your problem, Short term pain, long term gain.

SunnyPrague · 05/08/2025 10:25

This way lies a whole world of pain and dysfunction.

Kindly, finish this relationship and explain why. Don’t get sucked into doing deals - she’ll make all sorts of promises that she’ll never keep.

Walk away and regain your peace.

If she comes back to you later - well down the line on sobriety - then that’s a different thing. But don’t hold your breath.

Move on, OP xx

MaryGreenhill · 05/08/2025 10:33

Get rid @TravelMoose. She's not your responsibility

Original poster
TravelMoose · 05/08/2025 11:24

That's for all the comments, nice to wake up to (I'm English but live in the US).

I know I'll feel terrible for ending it, but maybe it's for the best. I'm just sad she doesn't see herself as the issue.

I'm upset she sees me a "boring" too. Think I'll speak with her this evening.

OP posts:
Hibiki · 05/08/2025 12:03

TravelMoose · 05/08/2025 11:24

That's for all the comments, nice to wake up to (I'm English but live in the US).

I know I'll feel terrible for ending it, but maybe it's for the best. I'm just sad she doesn't see herself as the issue.

I'm upset she sees me a "boring" too. Think I'll speak with her this evening.

Think that’s more of a red flag in that she doesn’t see herself as the issue.

You’re doing the right thing and yes, it’ll be upsetting at first but you’ll feel a whole lot lighter at the shoulders x

MJ1980 · 05/08/2025 18:14

Just break up and dont waste anymore of your life on this. She is an adult. She needs to get her shit together and stop blaming the past for current situation. Dont listen to the barrage of promises/making you feel sad for her. Leave and save yourself. I hope she doesn’t have children witnessing this downward spiral?

MrsLizzieDarcy · 05/08/2025 18:26

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure her.

Walk away for the sake of your own sanity.

Her primary relationship is with alcohol, not you.