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Original poster

GF is an alcoholic

41 replies

TravelMoose · 05/08/2025 03:30

Started seeing a lady 8yrs my junior, she's lovely but she drinks to the point of passing out 3/5 days a week after work.

She also smokes weed vape pens.

It's really impacted us and our love life as it's a huge turn off for me. I don't want to have sex with her like that.

She's told me she's had some issues as she lost her parents so young and I want to be supportive.

Recent though she says I'm boring because I don't consume alcohol like that.

I've told her I have ED so I don't have to explain the truth about not wanting sex with her, I'm afraid it will upset her.

I feel this is going nowhere but when she's sober she's great.

OP posts:
BunnyLover7 · 05/08/2025 18:45

Posting partly to create my username - tough situation but not a good path to go down OP. Wishing you all the best.

pointythings · 05/08/2025 19:02

@TravelMoose she shouldn't be in a relationship. She needs to deal with her trauma and its consequences first. She doesn't have head space for a relationship.

Walk away. It's honestly best for both of you.

Original poster
TravelMoose · 05/08/2025 21:58

MJ1980 · 05/08/2025 18:14

Just break up and dont waste anymore of your life on this. She is an adult. She needs to get her shit together and stop blaming the past for current situation. Dont listen to the barrage of promises/making you feel sad for her. Leave and save yourself. I hope she doesn’t have children witnessing this downward spiral?

She doesn't have children. Her brother is equally as messed up with his own issues.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 05/08/2025 22:09

'Boring' could be another red flag, its code for 'you don't create drama.'
She needs a lot of therapy and is not ready for a real relationship. Its a very sad situation.
Think about your own safety when you break up.

2791cc · 05/08/2025 22:18

TravelMoose · 05/08/2025 03:30

Started seeing a lady 8yrs my junior, she's lovely but she drinks to the point of passing out 3/5 days a week after work.

She also smokes weed vape pens.

It's really impacted us and our love life as it's a huge turn off for me. I don't want to have sex with her like that.

She's told me she's had some issues as she lost her parents so young and I want to be supportive.

Recent though she says I'm boring because I don't consume alcohol like that.

I've told her I have ED so I don't have to explain the truth about not wanting sex with her, I'm afraid it will upset her.

I feel this is going nowhere but when she's sober she's great.

I say run for the hills! I’ve lived with someone with alcohol issues and it almost killed our relationship and made my life hell for 4 years

CornflowerDusk · 05/08/2025 22:35

I don't think there's anything wrong with being honest about not wanting to have sex with her when she is very drunk.

I think it would be more concerning if you were comfortable with it!

I think she is an alcoholic and she would need to see that for herself and something would need to click for her to get her to address it head on. But you can't do that for her, and hiding your feelings about it won't be helping either of you.

I think breaking up is for the best and tell her why.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 05/08/2025 23:37

An alcoholic friend used to call me boring for turning another wine down (and I was drinking far too much as it was). It wasn't me - it was because she desperately wanted company on her way to the gutter and people who didn't want that crazy off your head feeling weren't keeping up )or mire like, down) with her.

It really isn't you, and the fact that it's hit you tells me that your heart cares for her, but also that she's in the grip of two forces that mean far more than your love is able to mean to her atm - her past pain of loss, and the booze.

Detach with love, OP. Maybe light a candle for help for her, if that's your thing. Sadly, if something can help her it's unlikely to be someone in a relationship with her, at this stage of her life.

MyNewFish · 06/08/2025 08:42

TravelMoose · 05/08/2025 21:58

She doesn't have children. Her brother is equally as messed up with his own issues.

Show quote history

Oh no. What happened to them? Very sad. Poor people, but they can only find remedy alone, not with the help of a sexual partner. Perhaps a very good friend could help, but it's true that you can only really find help from addiction when it comes from within.

HowardTJMoon · 06/08/2025 09:26

"Boring" is alcoholic code for "If you're not drinking while I need to continue drinking then that makes my alcoholism stand out and that makes me really uncomfortable."

You often hear that if you're in a relationship with an alcoholic that the alcohol is the mistress, the exciting affair partner that they escape to occasionally. I don't believe that. For an alcoholic alcohol is always on their mind. It's what they turn to when things are good and when things are bad. Sure, it's a shitty relationship but it's a comfortable and familiar one. They're married to alcohol and they can't imagine what life would be like without it. You are the bit on the side, the thing they use to occasionally distract themselves from their true love.

I don't know about you but I reached a point where I realised that I was worth more than the next £4.99 bottle of cornershop Sauvignon Blanc she was going to pour down her throat.

FartSock5000 · 06/08/2025 11:29

@TravelMoose she is vulnerable and an addict. She's not in the right place for a relationship and nothing you say or do will get her sober.

Remove yourself from this situation before you end up in muddy legal waters (she can't consent to sex if she is wasted) or so emotionally invested that you waste your time loving someone who isn't ready to be loved.

Addicts will always put their vice first. Until she is sober and seeking treatment and help waaaaaay down the line, she can't give you an equal, loving relationship.

Original poster
TravelMoose · 08/08/2025 03:06

I did it. She's still drinking of course but thankfully it's over.

OP posts:
Original poster
TravelMoose · 08/08/2025 03:07

MyNewFish · 06/08/2025 08:42

Oh no. What happened to them? Very sad. Poor people, but they can only find remedy alone, not with the help of a sexual partner. Perhaps a very good friend could help, but it's true that you can only really find help from addiction when it comes from within.

Show quote history

All her friends are the same. Its so sad.

OP posts:
Tablesandchairs23 · 08/08/2025 03:32

Its a new relationship. It should be fun and exciting. I'd end it.

LillyPJ · 08/08/2025 03:33

It's going nowhere. You can't help her.

HowardTJMoon · 08/08/2025 09:11

TravelMoose · 08/08/2025 03:07

All her friends are the same. Its so sad.

Show quote history

Alcoholics are incredibly good at befriending other alcoholics. It's like a boozy version of gaydar.

pointythings · 08/08/2025 09:39

TravelMoose · 08/08/2025 03:06

I did it. She's still drinking of course but thankfully it's over.

Well done. You're allowed to feel sad, but you have 100% done the right thing.

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