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Original poster

Should I stop telling my dh that he has double booked himself?

29 replies

YellowBlueStar · 04/08/2025 18:05

My dh finds it very hard to say no to other people. As a consequence, he often double books himself. For example, a friend will phone and ask if he fancies a game of golf on Monday morning and dh will agree to meet them. He'll then tell me he's playing golf on Monday morning and I'll reply 'haven't you got a dentist/drs/appointment on Monday?" Dh will then check his calendar, phone golf friend and say 'sorry, I've just spoken to my wife and she says I can't play golf on Monday.' He omits to tell them that it's because he has other commitments. I've told him how the way he says this to people makes it sound as if I am stopping him from going out and his friends must think I'm a right ogre but he tells me that I'm reading too much into it. This happens a lot and I'm now considering not telling him if he's double booked - I'm fed up of him blaming it on me - but am I being mean?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 04/08/2025 18:06

No.

not your problem.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 04/08/2025 18:07

Unless you are his secretary stop managing his diary...

quirkychick · 04/08/2025 18:11

Omg, I had an ex like this - used to drive me mad. He also had the (deserved) reputation of being flaky. So, no, you're not his secretary, let him sort himself out.

AgentJohnson · 04/08/2025 18:13

Yeah the ‘mum won’t let me come out and play defence, rather than take responsibility for his own failing, is he 12? Of course you should leave him to it, why haven’t you already. Urgh, how have you not got the ick already.

pizzaHeart · 04/08/2025 18:17

No please don’t tell him anything. It’s very rude of him. People do mistakes sometimes and normal grown up way is to txt to a friend: sorry completely forgot I have a dentist appointment on that morning. Can we move golf to later?
And that would be the end of the story.

ErrolTheDragon · 04/08/2025 18:27

Doesn’t he have a calendar on his phone? I feel so much more like a proper adult since starting to use mine (when I turned about 60😂)

Apart from his irresponsibility, making it sound like you’re restricting what he can do rather than the fact you’re helping him is poor.

Mind you, when you stop acting as his unappreciated diary secretory I wonder if he’ll try to blame his cockups on you?

Chazbots · 04/08/2025 18:29

Leave him to it, don't entertain any whinging either. It's rude to dump the blame on you.

Suggest a whiteboard if he struggles (I have adhd, so do this all the time...) but it's not your problem.

TicketyBoo11 · 04/08/2025 18:32

If it’s not something that affects you then just let him get on with it. You’re not his secretary. He may or may not learn from his mistakes…who knows.

Keroppi · 04/08/2025 18:32

Buy him a wall calendar or filofax for his birthday/Xmas
Never be his social secretary again lol

outerspacepotato · 04/08/2025 18:36

You're his scapegoat for not keeping track of his own shit. He's basically badmouthing you to people the way he's putting it on you that he can't go places instead of taking responsibility for his schedule and his own lack of organization. That's an asshole move.

Stop being his personal assistant. You have absolutely nothing to do with his scheduling issues. He fucks up, he finds out.

Original poster
YellowBlueStar · 04/08/2025 18:40

outerspacepotato · 04/08/2025 18:36

You're his scapegoat for not keeping track of his own shit. He's basically badmouthing you to people the way he's putting it on you that he can't go places instead of taking responsibility for his schedule and his own lack of organization. That's an asshole move.

Stop being his personal assistant. You have absolutely nothing to do with his scheduling issues. He fucks up, he finds out.

Thank you. Yes, his scapegoat is how I feel.

OP posts:
Campingisnexttogodliness · 04/08/2025 18:42

Filofax? Has op said her dh is called Derek??

Colddayhotcuppa · 04/08/2025 18:42

isn't he embarrassed to blame you for this sort of thing like you're his mum? Definitely stop telling him, he'll have to learn to manage his diary himself. If you keep reminding him, what incentive has he got to change his behaviour?

littleburn · 04/08/2025 18:47

Stop over-functioning and let him manage his own diary.

Daleksatemyshed · 04/08/2025 19:01

No more reminders Op, if he misses his dentist appointments they'll charge him which should help him focus. I'd be telling people it's nothing to do with you if he double books them

Smartiepants79 · 04/08/2025 19:04

If he wasn’t putting the blame on you then I’d say you were being a bit mean but it’s not on for him to keep making out it because you’ve told him he can’t go. Rude.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/08/2025 19:07

If he’s badmouthing you to anyone ever, that’s your signal to stop trying help and let him adult himself. I would be telling him exactly why he can get on with this himself, and tell him that behaving like you are his mum is highly unattractive.

Skybluepinky · 04/08/2025 19:25

Has He got SEND needs or are you just his secretary?

RentalWoesNotFun · 04/08/2025 20:36

Tell him that you’re pulling out of the PA business and he’s on his own.

I’d suggest you encourage him to use whatever method makes your life easier. Be that a calendar on the wall or online.

fthisfthatfeverything · 04/08/2025 20:45

Stop telling him.
Let him get fined- tho that will be your fault too

blacksax · 04/08/2025 20:50

Oh crikey, step away from his life admin. Instead, just enjoy the frisson of knowing he has fucked up. Sooner or later he will learn to do things for himself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2025 20:52

AgentJohnson · 04/08/2025 18:13

Yeah the ‘mum won’t let me come out and play defence, rather than take responsibility for his own failing, is he 12? Of course you should leave him to it, why haven’t you already. Urgh, how have you not got the ick already.

This. Extreme ick.

Coconutter24 · 04/08/2025 20:59

You’re his wife not his secretary.

mindutopia · 05/08/2025 10:21

Stop rescuing him. It’s not your job.

I have a dh like this. Classic people pleaser. He knows he is double booking. He just can’t say no, so always says yes. And then will get stressed and in a fluster on the day. He once double booked to go away on a stag do the same weekend we had a family holiday booked. He knew about the weekend away when he said yes to the stag do. He just hates ever saying no. He dropped the stag do on me 2 days before we were meant to leave and dropped the holiday on his friend when he turned up on the day.

In the end, he went to one night of the stag do and then drove several hours to join us on holiday for one night. He ended up getting a migraine from the stress and was a write off. I honestly wouldn’t have cared about the stag do if he’d just communicated that he felt like he needed to go. It was that he couldn’t acknowledge to either of us that he already had plans.

I generally don’t rescue him now. I leave him to flap around and usually he ends up somehow managing to be in two places and everyone is only mildly pissed off at him, but it’s very clear it’s his responsibility, not mine.

99bottlesofkombucha · 05/08/2025 10:22

Ugh yes stop that now!!

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