Is my experience of OLD normal?

[FenderStrat]

I am hoping to get some kind of perspective on how things have gone for me in the past four months!
I'm 56 years old and dating again after the death of my partner two years ago.

Is this about what you would expect from OLD in 4 months?

10 actual dates in total. I have not wanted to see them again with six of them, the others haven't wanted to see me again.

Only one date has turned into a second date and then that ended.

I've messaged many people online then had no reply.

I've been messaging several people. And then without warning, they just stopped messaging me.

Getting a little bit despondent to be honest, but not sure if this is just normal for the first 4 months on OLD.

I think your experience is fairly standard with OLD. It can be disheartening.
How long do you message people for before meeting them?

That can vary from less than a week to about a month.
I would much rather message for a few days, have a phone call or two and then meet for coffee.

Good to know, my experience appears reasonably standard, though. Thank you for replying

Normal Im afraid. Or at least not dissimilar to my experiences.

I met my husband online. Before him, I seemed to get loads and loads of messages. I would only reply to the ones that I liked the look of or who took time to write a thoughtful message. I didn't arrange dates with all of the men I talked to, just the ones that I felt I had a connection with, otherwise I'd risk wasting my time. And I always preferred to focus on one at a time, rather than chatting to a few at once. So chat for a while, meet up, see how it goes. But don't leave it too long because sometimes how they appear online is differnet to how they are in real life.

Totally normal unfortunately! It also costs a flipping fortune!

How long did it take to find him and roughly how many dates did you have before him?

Yeah - I think that's fairly normal. Online dating can be so hit and miss i think.
I started with the idea that it would just be a fun thing to do - without having any expectations of long term relationship. As time went on - I realised a long term relationship was what I wanted and I got lucky and met my long term partner (5 years) on Bumble. I was late 40's at the time. All in all I was trying online dating for about 8 months or so.
It can be tiring - so give yourself breaks - this also allows the selection of men to "re-fresh" ;)

Keep it fun - try not to expect too much and keep your "weirdo" radar on full alert and you should be fine.

I was on there about 2 years but some of that time I had taken a break for a few months on and off and made my profile inactive. I only met up with I think 7 people. Two of them went on to be short fling type relationships, others I never saw again. I had a few more connections that were just purely online. I would have met more but I was a single mum so I couldn't really commit to dating. Meeting my DH on there came out the blue, I was almost ready to delete my profile for good but thought I'd give him a chance.

It’s like anything else a numbers game in romance and friendship it’s the same.

Thank you for all of your replies.They ve been very helpful and have given me some reassurance.

Have you tried looking for sites aimed at people with a specific hobby/interest of yours? I met my partner online through a site for those interested in sailing (a couple of years after my husband died). I had some online chats with a few guys but only actually met up with the one, it was great as we immediately had something in common to talk about. We went for a walk rather than meet in a bar/cafe. Been together 4 years now!

That sounds lovely all looking to that. I'm glad you met somebody.

A date every 10 days or so - seems pretty good going. A lot of people (men and women) will be messaging several at the same time and just drop the others if they have a successful date - rude, but normal. At our age, there will be larger numbers of ‘single for a reason’ and unhealed wounds from previous relationships, so you should (unfortunately) expect a large number of fails and (as you seem to be doing) be ready to walk straight away if it’s not right. The advice about periodically taking a break is probably a good idea, it can be easy to feel despondent! I try not to take it too seriously, if I happen to meet someone who’s right, we’ll both know it. If not, I’ll not be too upset- alone is better than the wrong person.

I’m at the stage of researching OLD to see if it’s for me, it sounds really draining hearing your experience OP, I hope it picks up for you.

i like the idea of getting to know someone new online first, no pictures, no physical meet ups, just based purely on personality first and then arrange a meet up.

since being separated from DH I’m ready to get out there but it’s knowing where to start.

It can be draining, yes! And there's always pictures - you can't set yourself up without some. I'm told that a lot of us men are very visually driven compared to women, I have one woman friend who didn't have full length pics on her profile, and had some dates who immediately told her how disappointed they were with how she looked! (Okay so maybe a good thing if that's all that was important to them, but it was upsetting - lesson is to make the pictures recent and real).
I'd start by getting yourself a thick skin - and running shoes (at some stage you'll need them): Personally I think that Match is good, in that it does allow you a lot of scope to talk about yourself, who you are and what you want, more than some other apps. If it's your first time, it would be good if you had friends (men or women) who use OLD now, ask them to show you what others put on their profiles, so you can gauge what good or bad looks like before you dip your own toes into the pool.

That’s rather annoying to know I can’t set anything up without pictures. I’m the type of person that if I’m going by pictures I’ll obviously go for the ones that are more my type physically first. I was hoping I’d be able to do it the opposite way first based purely on personality, emotional connection, becoming friends then exploring the physical side.
I’ll keep on researching to see if something like this is out there.

No no no - it would be like househunting on Rightmove, if they don’t show a picture of bedroom 3 you know there’s something seriously wrong with it! You’ve just got to look at the words more - pictures just show if someone gets over your lowest bar, the words show if they’re worth an effort!

Great analogy 😂. I get what you mean I really do!

Look up the ten out of ten Australian relationship coach on Facebook. He coaches online dating and his ethos is 1000s of matches, all funneling through to 3 or 4 youd see again.

Be ten out of ten yourself. Look hot, appeal to their sex drive, be yourself.

Dont try to be friends first, you are looking for love yes?

Be ruthless and dont settle, that will waste your time.

Expect them to be writing to others, you will too. Yes they can suddenly disappear, so can you.

It took me four months to meet someone fabulous and we are getting married in November. I asked the universe for everything and said I wasn't messing about this time. I had to follow that thro with action.

Good luck!!

Have you had any feedback on your OLD profile @FenderStrat ?

I've helped a few friends and someone in my family create their profiles.
Have you asked any friends to read yours and give an opinion?
Is your profile interesting or run of the mill and like anyone else's?

IME there is often a mismatch between how people describe themselves and who they are in real life. This can mean you're not attracting the right people anyway.

Have you had any input from your friends on your photos? Again, these are important and sometimes people choose slightly odd photos!

The number of dates you've had is quite low. I know people who kind of 'speed date' where they have maybe 3 coffee dates lined up over a weekend.

I'd really suggest you tweak your profile. But don't just rely on OLD- get out, join the ramblers, choir, yoga, evening classes - meet people in RL too.

I think 10 dates in 4 months is very good going in your 50’s.
I’ve only had that many in about 2 years. I very rarely get a match let alone a conversation these days

I only had 1 date I wanted to see again then on date 2 he told me about his ED so that didn’t go any further.

There just aren’t many eligible older men out there in my experience

Agree about the number of dates being pretty good.
I’m (obviously) biased but I don’t think it’s so much lack of eligible men, as an unfavourable chaff / wheat ratio 😂

This is completely normal in my experience

what I did learn though was to chat for a couple days and then arrange a first date or meeting as I liked to call them. Would just be a simple coffee and only 20 mins of my time. I didn’t waste time with getting ready etc and would likely be getting coffee anyway.

met my current man online I have had first dates with lots of frogs took me about 10 months on and off.

Have been OLD couple of years. Honestly... l find it all very tiresome and l know this isn't how I'll meet the man of my dreams... but l stay on there.

I swipe immediate left on profiles that have no bio written - shows minimal effort, plus those that have their fingers up at the camera - just crass.

And then when l actually get a conversation it tends to be either one sided with me try to keep it going... or they seem to have no life! Eg...

Me - so any nice plans this weekend?

Him - no

..... end of conversation!

Oh... and l also find the amount of "very relaxed... down to earth....don't want any drama" written on the profiles very blurhhh too.

As you can see... OLD really isn't for me 😂