Is it really that bad to contact absent father ?

MochiPie · 2025-08-03T23:36:26+00:00

I’m a single mum and I parent my kids full time alone (they haven’t seen their father in 2 years) they are teens/ approaching teens and I’m really struggling with them especially as they are all autistic and generally just hard work. I don’t have any family to help and recently I thought I should reach out to their father to see if he would like contact and so that (selfishly?) I could get some help with them/ have a break now and again. I’ve told people this and they’ve made out like it’s the worst possible thing I could do but why is it? What is so bad about it and what’s the worst he could say is no? Then nothing actually changes 🤷🏻♀️ I’ve been told to contact ss instead which seems odd to me! As that seems more like the last resort imo and I had them involved before anyway and all they did was suggest themselves that I contact him! Has anyone done this before reach out to their children’s father for contact and how did it go?

OneNeatBlueOrca · 04/08/2025 00:42

Will you know he doesn't want anything to do with your kids?Because he walked out of their lives two years ago.

Why would he now come back and not only talk to you and them, but agree to care for them partially to give you a break?

Original poster

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 00:45

because people can change?

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Yellowcakestand · 04/08/2025 00:51

Surely if he has changed he would have contacted you himself for access? Why did he stop seeing them

Original poster

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 00:58

He did contact a little while back asking how they are but it didn’t extend more than a few messages. He was seeing them but he’d only come to mine to see them, when I said he had to take them on his own contact fizzled out.

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OneNeatBlueOrca · 04/08/2025 07:07

I'm guessing he stops, seeing them because of their additional needs and that they're difficult. That's why he doesn't want them on his own? In which case he's not going to take them now

BabyCatFace · 04/08/2025 07:09

YANBU but YABU to expect much from the useless twat. And yes, if you contacted social services you'd be asked if you've asked their father and other relatives for help first.

user1471538283 · 04/08/2025 07:15

I did this once when I was struggling financially and he hasn't given me any money since he left. I really wish I hadn't. He rang, spoke to my DS and promised to visit the following weekend. Considering how he was so upset his other DC (much older) hadn't visited him in hospital I thought he might step up and build a relationship. He didn't turn up. He did however write me a horrible letter about how it wasn't up to him to provide for my DS and I should ask my DF.

He's a horrible man. He is now broke and broken.

I know you are struggling but I doubt he will help.

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 04/08/2025 07:21

What's the worse that could happen? He could and most likely say no. But at least you have asked and you can then let SS know that you have tried.

Motnight · 04/08/2025 07:23

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 00:58

He did contact a little while back asking how they are but it didn’t extend more than a few messages. He was seeing them but he’d only come to mine to see them, when I said he had to take them on his own contact fizzled out.

There's your answer, Op. He really can't be arsed, he's already shown you that.

snughugs · 04/08/2025 07:45

Why bother? This man has shown who he is, no they don’t change.

Original poster

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 13:55

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 04/08/2025 07:21

What's the worse that could happen? He could and most likely say no. But at least you have asked and you can then let SS know that you have tried.

I don’t want ss involved that’s my point

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Original poster

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 13:56

snughugs · 04/08/2025 07:45

Why bother? This man has shown who he is, no they don’t change.

Because I am struggling with them on my own and have no one else to ask, they are all autistic as mentioned in my post and are only getting bigger and stronger so I see it as I have nothing to lose by asking

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Itsabeautifulthing · 04/08/2025 14:02

Depends - did he just not initiate contact or he was unable to have contact for example - partying/taking drugs etc. Whats the reason he hasn't seen them?

In completely get why you would initiate contact, especially with no help or support from anyone else. Its bloody hard parenting and then you have additional needs thrown in as well. He shouldn't get to just walk away scott free.

But if he has addiction issues or any issues such as anger problems/abuse history - that would make him a danger to the kids then that would be different.

Itsabeautifulthing · 04/08/2025 14:05

Oh and its not selfish to need a break and to need their other parent, whos half responsible for them, to take over! Far from selfish. Alot of people have grandparents who help them alot and you don't have that either so please don't think its selfish!

Original poster

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 14:08

Thank you, yes no grandparents no family honestly if there was anyone else I’d be asking them instead but there isn’t. No substance issues but he does have mental health issues which he is now having treatment for which I think plays a part he wouldn’t come down regularly it would be as and when he felt like it which was usually every few months and he would often fall asleep when he got here which is why I said he had to start taking them he then just started making up excuses not to come down before it fizzled out.

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Fourcandleforkhandle · 04/08/2025 14:09

Op I can't advise you what you should do. But I will tell you what happened to me. My estranged husband left me with 5 Children 8 yrs ago. His choice because he couldn't take the responsibility of bringing them up. Now the Children are 22, 21,20,17 and 15. Over the years when I struggled with the Children I felt like ringing estranged Husband but what stopped me was that he showed what he wanted by walking out on us.
I will not put myself and the Children through being rejected twice.

RepoTheGeriatricOpera · 04/08/2025 14:11

Don't make the mistakes I did.

I chased and begged and pleaded my older dcs dad for contact, even paid his expenses to come see them multiple times.

He would show up, then piss off again for months at a time.

I thought a shit/part time dad was better than no dad. I was very wrong.

All it did was confuse my kids and make them feel rejected over amd over again.

They are adults now and been totally nc with him for years, and I've apologised and explained my reasons and what I should have done many times now.

I get that it's hard op, I also have ND kids. SS are really crap with the support they are supposed to give parents of kids with disabilities. Get yourself on some groups, contact some charities, speak to other parents and see what is available in your area for a bit of respite for you. You could also try your local council, my dd has funding from them for me to get respite for 3 hours per week (although I live in the back of beyond and there's nowhere to spend the funding unfortunatly). Speaking to other parents in your area can be a game changer though, there might be options that aren't really advertised for you to get a break.

Original poster

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 14:13

Fourcandleforkhandle · 04/08/2025 14:09

Op I can't advise you what you should do. But I will tell you what happened to me. My estranged husband left me with 5 Children 8 yrs ago. His choice because he couldn't take the responsibility of bringing them up. Now the Children are 22, 21,20,17 and 15. Over the years when I struggled with the Children I felt like ringing estranged Husband but what stopped me was that he showed what he wanted by walking out on us.
I will not put myself and the Children through being rejected twice.

Wow that must have been extremely difficult, I wish I was that strong.

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Original poster

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 14:15

RepoTheGeriatricOpera · 04/08/2025 14:11

Don't make the mistakes I did.

I chased and begged and pleaded my older dcs dad for contact, even paid his expenses to come see them multiple times.

He would show up, then piss off again for months at a time.

I thought a shit/part time dad was better than no dad. I was very wrong.

All it did was confuse my kids and make them feel rejected over amd over again.

They are adults now and been totally nc with him for years, and I've apologised and explained my reasons and what I should have done many times now.

I get that it's hard op, I also have ND kids. SS are really crap with the support they are supposed to give parents of kids with disabilities. Get yourself on some groups, contact some charities, speak to other parents and see what is available in your area for a bit of respite for you. You could also try your local council, my dd has funding from them for me to get respite for 3 hours per week (although I live in the back of beyond and there's nowhere to spend the funding unfortunatly). Speaking to other parents in your area can be a game changer though, there might be options that aren't really advertised for you to get a break.

Thanks I am on groups the only respite is through social services who I will not be contacting that would honestly be the last resort for me as in I had tried every single option first. The only thing I’ve been suggested is clubs but my child can’t go to them as she needs a 1:1 which they don’t provide.

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Hadalifeonce · 04/08/2025 16:05

As you say, OP. The worst that can happen is he says no, and you are no worse off. It is not foolish or selfish to remind someone they are a parent.

Snorlaxo · 04/08/2025 16:15

Having read my fair share of stories on here, people are saying don’t do it for reasons like
Dad was abusive and telling him you can’t cope gives him a new stick to beat you with
You and the children being let down again means you having to deal with the kids’ anger. It’s not good for the kids self esteem that they were rejected again and they may feel like you should have protected them.
Hearing no could make you angry/depressed because it’s not fair that he can walk away from his parenting duties so easily.
If he’s the nasty type then he will get a kick out of you asking him and him denying the help that will make your life easier.
The truth is that he would have contacted you (or the kids) directly if he wanted contact. He’s clearly happy with the current arrangement and wouldn’t have behaved any differently if you’d told him that the kids were struggling and needed him rather than that they were fine.

Original poster

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 16:15

Snorlaxo · 04/08/2025 16:15

Having read my fair share of stories on here, people are saying don’t do it for reasons like
Dad was abusive and telling him you can’t cope gives him a new stick to beat you with
You and the children being let down again means you having to deal with the kids’ anger. It’s not good for the kids self esteem that they were rejected again and they may feel like you should have protected them.
Hearing no could make you angry/depressed because it’s not fair that he can walk away from his parenting duties so easily.
If he’s the nasty type then he will get a kick out of you asking him and him denying the help that will make your life easier.
The truth is that he would have contacted you (or the kids) directly if he wanted contact. He’s clearly happy with the current arrangement and wouldn’t have behaved any differently if you’d told him that the kids were struggling and needed him rather than that they were fine.

He’s not abusive.

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Original poster

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 16:18

Hadalifeonce · 04/08/2025 16:05

As you say, OP. The worst that can happen is he says no, and you are no worse off. It is not foolish or selfish to remind someone they are a parent.

Thanks exactly too many men get off Scot free whilst the mother is left to struggle.

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DorothyWainwright · 04/08/2025 16:20

Don't do it. He'll mess his kids around again. This is a time they need stability.

Original poster

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 16:22

And if the mother is barely coping? Not really stability then? This is one of the last resorts trust me I wouldn’t be doing it if things were fine.

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