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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it really that bad to contact absent father ?

37 replies

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 00:36

I’m a single mum and I parent my kids full time alone (they haven’t seen their father in 2 years) they are teens/ approaching teens and I’m really struggling with them especially as they are all autistic and generally just hard work. I don’t have any family to help and recently I thought I should reach out to their father to see if he would like contact and so that (selfishly?) I could get some help with them/ have a break now and again. I’ve told people this and they’ve made out like it’s the worst possible thing I could do but why is it? What is so bad about it and what’s the worst he could say is no? Then nothing actually changes 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve been told to contact ss instead which seems odd to me! As that seems more like the last resort imo and I had them involved before anyway and all they did was suggest themselves that I contact him! Has anyone done this before reach out to their children’s father for contact and how did it go?

OP posts:
OneNaiceSnail · 04/08/2025 16:23

Hadalifeonce · 04/08/2025 16:05

As you say, OP. The worst that can happen is he says no, and you are no worse off. It is not foolish or selfish to remind someone they are a parent.

This. He is not abusive. The op has nothing to lose really. A deadbeat dad is a deadbeat dad, but I know personally quite a few men who don’t see their children through pure apathy. They can’t be bothered to make the effort to keep in contact, and mums more than happy to wash her hands of him. If the op contacts him even just occasionally and ask him to have them for a day, he may be willing to oblige.

DorothyWainwright · 04/08/2025 16:23

Just thinking a bit more; are they in school? Can you try and get DLA for them so you can adjust your universal credit and drop your work hours by a day a week so you get some hours to yourself to catch up.
My youngest gets DLA (no diagnosis as it takes so long). That keeps my head above water and buys some time and essentials for her.

Snorlaxo · 04/08/2025 16:24

As he’s not abusive, the only risk is that he says no or he repeats his past behaviour and sees the kids once then ghosts again.

Original poster
MochiPie · 04/08/2025 16:29

DorothyWainwright · 04/08/2025 16:23

Just thinking a bit more; are they in school? Can you try and get DLA for them so you can adjust your universal credit and drop your work hours by a day a week so you get some hours to yourself to catch up.
My youngest gets DLA (no diagnosis as it takes so long). That keeps my head above water and buys some time and essentials for her.

We get dla but I don’t get any maintenance so money is tight anyway

OP posts:
Itsabeautifulthing · 04/08/2025 18:46

I hope you get a break OP, I would go ahead and make contact and see what he says. Explain the kids need their dad and you need a break. Maybe now he's in treatment for his mental health he will feel different. Is he depressed? What about his oarents/siblings does he have any? Would they want some time with the kids? I really hope you get some kind if respite you definitely deserve it x

Skybluepinky · 04/08/2025 18:55

Contact SS if you are struggling, he has already shown them and you he isn’t interested.

Original poster
MochiPie · 04/08/2025 20:58

Itsabeautifulthing · 04/08/2025 18:46

I hope you get a break OP, I would go ahead and make contact and see what he says. Explain the kids need their dad and you need a break. Maybe now he's in treatment for his mental health he will feel different. Is he depressed? What about his oarents/siblings does he have any? Would they want some time with the kids? I really hope you get some kind if respite you definitely deserve it x

Unfortunately he has no parents they are deceased otherwise I would have contacted them

OP posts:
Original poster
MochiPie · 04/08/2025 21:06

Skybluepinky · 04/08/2025 18:55

Contact SS if you are struggling, he has already shown them and you he isn’t interested.

No chance of this personally for me

OP posts:
fthisfthatfeverything · 04/08/2025 21:16

MochiPie · 04/08/2025 00:58

He did contact a little while back asking how they are but it didn’t extend more than a few messages. He was seeing them but he’d only come to mine to see them, when I said he had to take them on his own contact fizzled out.

Worst he can say is no.
Contact him, you need a break.

Yellowcakestand · 05/08/2025 00:17

I know everyone has different experiences with SS involvement but when I asked for help thats exactly what I got. They were informative and supportive of myself and DS situation and l doing this opened many other doors for support for us both. It doesn't mean you have failed. I only have positive feedback for them. Xx

Original poster
MochiPie · 05/08/2025 00:28

I had them involved the woman was a horrible nasty judgmental piece of work and I actually put in a complaint about her in the end

OP posts:
Original poster
MochiPie · 05/08/2025 01:17

fthisfthatfeverything · 04/08/2025 21:16

Worst he can say is no.
Contact him, you need a break.

Show quote history

Thank you, I think I will no one has really given a reason why it’s a bad idea other than he may say no which isn’t really a big deal.

OP posts:
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