Affair - am I ridiculous for still hoping???

[unhappychick]

We have been together for 14 years, 2 wonderful children, 4 and 1. But DH left 2 months ago, having been having an affair for a matter of weeks (although I'm sure emails and cyber flirting before that), which started as "just sex", but has become "so much more". He says he is now "with her". I did not have a clue about it, it has been a bolt from the blue for me, I thought he was here forever as my soul mate. He has cut himself off from all our friends, rented a flat, and we have to negotiate the times he sees our children.

yet I still hang onto some hope that he will 'come into the light', and realise what he's thrown away for sex on tap with someone with no responsibilities.

How many affairs make it in the real world? I know what I really want you all to say is that of course he will realise, and that he will beg to come home. Does that ever happen? And I also know that you won't all say that, and many of you will say that I have to 'move on' and adjust to this horrible new life.

Is it normal for me to go round and round in circles? I have been seeing a counsellor and she says that it isn't helpful, and has suggested strategies for coping, but I just can't help it...

do you want someone back who treats you this way??

what do you mean you have to negotiate the childrens times - does he not want to see them?

He will realise one day, hopefully too late when you have moved on and have a wonderful life.

and i would never have my dh back after an affair, no matter what. Would you want him back if you had no dc?

Why do you want him back though if he is obviously not into being honest and open and not into monogamy? If he came back you would spend the rest of your life always suspicious and worried that he is cheating again and you'd never trust him again. That is not worth it imo.

am with scorpio on this one

he's taken 14yrs and 2 kids and thrown it all away for just sex

sod him, show him how well you're coping, don't go begging etc, be perfectly neutral and then maybe he'll see what he's lost

by which time it will be too late and you'll have realised what a pillock he is

I am so sorry.

It must be dreadful.

I don't know the figures, but my guess would be at least 50/50 for men coming back to their families. it might take a year or more, but ther e is always hope.

I suppose you need to be in the frame of mind where you feel if he does come back it would be a bonus and if he doesn't well, you will cope.

Did you talk at all before he left? Does he know why he has left? did you argue or was everything "normal".

Can you ask to see him, and talk now- about what he feels was missing and if it can be mended?

Would you have him back- in spite of his deceit and unfaithfulness? You might say yes now, but if he did comeback,would you really be able to cope and trust him again? I think it's important that you ask this because otherwise you are hanging on to a dream not the reality of what happened.

Sorry- haven't been much help but hope it hs given you a few things to think on.

if he has left after only a few weeks wit htis other woman, then its likely that she is merely a catalyst. he has probly been wanting to leave for a while.
so sorry.

If he does beg to come home will you take him straight back and go back to normal? How will you cope knowing he has had an affair?

Perhaps you just need to give tyour self time but try not to live in hope that he does. Try to change your life for the better and get used to it being a different and single life

I really doubt his affair will make it in the real world. But I completely understand how you feel (my H has been treating me like this for 18 months and I've only seen the light very recently!)

What you have to try and accept is that the man you used to know has gone. He's changed.

You need to build a life and a future around you and your wonderful children.

He may well see the error of his ways and beg to come back. But you need to get yourself into a place (mentally and physically) where you can make the right decision over whether or not to take him back. You can get through this, you may well rebuild your relationship in the future and come out stronger for it. But he needs to realise that it is now you calling the shots and it is no longer about what he wants. He's made his decision. So as painful as it is (and believe me I understand!) try to shift the focus away from what he's doing and what he wants, and try and decide what you want! Do you want someone who's capable of treating you like this?

It's easy to say 'I would never have him back' etc but it's different when your in the position the OP is in.

I can completely understand why you want him and your old life back. I watched my sister go through exactly the same thing as you, it was a complete shock to her as well.

I know you hate your new life but even if you and DH get back together you will never have your old life back, something has happened which has changed your relationship forever. There is no going back. So in that sense, you do have to accept that fact and move on from there.

First you need to work out why you want him back, if its because you still love him and believe you have a future then maybe given time you and him can work it out. IME men who cheat generally get bored with their new floozies, if its all sex and no substance it won't last.

If you want him back because you want your old life back then I think your making a mistake.

oh unhappychick. I am so so sorry you're going through this.
I hung on, begged, pleaded,hoped for months and months and months (despite the wonderful advice of mumsnetters)
Mine never came back and thank God he didn't.
All I could see was the end of my life as I knew it and my world tumbling around me. Just like you.
But.......I am now 4 years on and married to a wonderful man who will (hopefully) never treat me the way my exh did.
If he had come back I honestly don't think we'd have made it. I just don't know if I could ever have forgiven him.
I know whatever we say on here won't make you stop hoping and praying and maybe he will come back. But if he doesn't you WILL get through it and be a better person for it. And if he does be prepared for a long hard fight to get your relationship back.
I actually think many many men do "see the light" and they are incredibly lucky to have women like you waiting to pick up the pieces of their bloody sad and selfish actions.
Whatever happens I wish you all the luck in the world. Life will be good again. I promise

Most affairs don't make it. But then again most relationships don't make it. Most people have more boyfriends/girlfriends than spouses.

If it's at all possible, I think you should concentrate on yourself and the children. Doing whatever you need to get through this.

It sounds very painful and I wish you good luck and strength.

Message withdrawn

Echo the other posters though..if he came back would you ever be able to trust him again?Your life would always be worse in a way than it was before because maybe there would always be that doubt?

Thinking of you..

It is not that I want my old life back. I can see the cracks in that, what I want is the opportunity to work with him to build a BETTER life. I can see that events like this can be a catalyst for change and increased self knowledge, something he can't see at the moment of course.

Of course you want him back- it's your family life that has gone, not just a DH.

It's too simple to knee-jerk and say "don't have him back".

IMO everyone is allowed a 2nd chance- we are human, not perfect, beings. Far better to try to make a marriage work than have a child in a divorced family, if possible.

What I don't know, UHC, is what communication you have now with this man? Do you talk? would he talk?

Is he willing to discuss it all?

unhappychick, so sorry you are facing this awful trauma in your life.
Thankyou for your comments on my thread....like you it was completely out of the blue for me when my dh had an affair and it felt like my life had been torn apart and no one gave me any say in it!
Let me guess...your dh is heading for 40,busy at work, you are busy being a mum and SHE is younger and has no kids!?
NONE of this is your fault your dh is the one making the choices here and it's likely he's having the classic mid-life crisis (I never believed in them until it happened to me with my dh)this is NO EXCUSE for his choices but for you you will need to try and make some sense of what's happening.

When it happened to me I remember reading something like 90% of affairs do not last past 3months. Often they cannot stand the reality of real life...when everyone gets to know and the fantasy wears off. For that's what they usually are fantasy, a form of escapism and often it's not even the current relationship the person is escaping from it's pften something imnside themselves. They can't recognise or face that so they hit self destruct and find a shoulder to cry on who reminds them of the early heady days of a new relationship and throw everything away! However this does not last the novelty wears off and pften they realise all they've done is changed to someone different THEY are still the same and haven't tackled the inner problem.Only time will tell if your dh "comes to his senses" and if he does it in time before all is destroyed.
YOU are not ridiculous to hope.....suddenly the man who was your dh, best friend , lover has changed beyond recognition and you didn't see it coming. You had no say in this , it's been thrust upon you and he just walks away "free".
Hope ...it's your life if you want him back then hope but do protect yourself..he owes you an explaination.some answers and he owes his children......why should he just be able to walk away with no responsibilities? He needs to face up to the consiquences of his actions don't make it easy for him involve whoever you need to to give you strength to make it through this. he may be happy to run away from all his family and friends for the sake of a fantasy...you don't have to honey. ou are strong and compassionate and you've done nothing wrong. Hope yes but don't let him walk all over you.

Hi, wish I could make you feel better but not possible.
I know the pain. It is so hard to deal with. It is just like grief. I hope that as time goes by you will realise that life without your h can be better.

As for the affair - affairs are exciting because they are secret and the sex is usually different (not necessarily better!). They rarely survive when real life kicks in.

I found out about my h's affair 6 months ago. It had been going on for about a year. He thought of leaving and I am ashamed to say I begged him not to. He is still here but things are very different to before. I dont trust him and really dont know whether he should have stayed 6 months ago.

For it to work both sides must work at it 110%.

Truly hope things get better for you

unhappychick

I threw my H out 2 months ago, he was sleeping with an 18 year old, he still is in fact, and he is with her 90% of the time, I know this because she lives across the road from me, I decided early on it had to be over as there was no way I could ever trust him again, but I still mourn the life I had, so I accept I have to move on but its easier said than done eh? And I do hope and pray he comes back begging and pleading, but only so I can have the satisfaction of telling him to shuff his opologies where the sun dont shine.

I hope you feel a little better soon

maturer, thank you. I didn't want to hijack your thread earlier by asking you questions on what is clearly a happy day for you . I think you may be spot on about the problems lying with him - we had some counselling and she was very clear that she felt there was lots of work he could do - but at the moment, he chooses not to. I have done nothing to deserve this, I know that. I don't see wanting to work together as a weakness, I see it as a strength, and I know that the road to mending would be very long and hard. I know I am strong, and I will get through it. I just don't want to be there.

You are right, DH is heading for 40, very busy at work, travels a lot, and I am knackered with two kids under 4 at home. She has no kids and bigger boobs. The only thing you got wrong is she isn't younger, but same age, although she has emerged from his past (school). Pretty similar to a younger woman, trying to reclaim lost youth perhaps?

mybrainaches, that must be terrible for you. At least I don't have to actually see them on a daily basis. I am so sorry.

Hi, i'm really sorry for what has happened to you. I am in a similar situation, my h decided to tell me he was leaving me in April, when we were on our 1st holiday without children for years. I thought it was a second honeymoon, it was make or break for him!!

He was adament there was noone else, i have since found out he has been having an affair since xmas and he has been sleeping around fo the whole of the 13 years we have been together.

At first i was just desperate to do anything to get him back and tbh have made a fool of myself. I am just starting to realise that there is no going back and am getting angry!!

We really are better off without them, yes it will be very hard and it is not what we planned for our lives but certainly in my case there is no going back. I am now starting to make plans that don't involve him and will be seeing a lawyer to make sure he doesn't fuck me over any more than he already has.

You are not alone!!

unhappy chick - i am in the same situation. Dh has left me and ds (and dog, and house) and wants his 'freedom'. he had an emotional affair, but allegedly stopped before anything happened . He left 2 weeks ago.
The funniest thing is - she is the SPITTING IMAGE of me a few years ago. Really. Same piercings, hair style and colour and length, even her face shape etc etc etc. Wtf does THAT mean? Also, she is back with her boyfriend anyway. But exh still left - I do think she was the catalyst for going.
So he is gone now, and I am trying to rebuild my life. It is hard, and like you I want to build a better future together and not go back to the old life.
Then I have days when I just think - what a tosser, I could do SO much better.
It is hard, it is up and down, and each up is a bit higher and each down still really hurts.
But I am now doing what I want - painting the bedroom a different colour to get rid of the awful wondering of is he still around, I am going to start climbing (something I have wanted to do for ages), I am really trying to move on.
But I still want him back - he was my best friend, dad to ds, soulmate etc etc. Except he isnt now, is he. All the stories of mid life crisis ring so true. I know one day he will realise what he has lost, but by then hopefully I wont have him back.
Loads of hugs, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling.

also, what you were saying about counselling was true for us. We went, the counsellor agreed with me and disagreed with him! She tried tomake him see he has a lot to change, and I think that wa too much for him...

oh ambercat, bloody hell. How terrible. The timing is just outrageous. I know exactly what it is like when you start to ask whether they ever loved you in the first place.

Good for you getting angry. I have times of anger too, when all I want to do is spit in their faces, or much worse. But I cannot abandon my own dignity.

stirlingmum, are you seeing anyone to try and help you work with your DH? (somehow the D in that seems wrong??)

It is scary how common this seems to be...

No, our problem is that he doesn't want to talk about it. But I know we cant move forward unless he does so things not looking good at the mo.
We went to counselling 3 times together and then once each on our own (last Dec/Jan). I know it helped and would go back but have told h that he must make the appointment so I know it is what he wants. So there have been no more appointments funnily enough
Like I say, you both have to REALLY want it to work or it wont.

yes unhappychick - I get really angry too.
When I found out, I keyed his car, his guitar ane everything. Wrong, but very satisfying.

We were together 14 years too. Now he wants us to be 'friends' - like I can cut off my emotions in 2 weeks!

So I am staying away from him. I dont want to see him, talk to him or anything. When he has ds, my parents will be there for the handover for the time being. I find I get stronger and stronger, then when I see him I just crumble...

Are you trying to build a new life for yourself unhappychick? I find keeping busy is all that stops me thinking of him.