Affair - am I ridiculous for still hoping???

[unhappychick]

We have been together for 14 years, 2 wonderful children, 4 and 1. But DH left 2 months ago, having been having an affair for a matter of weeks (although I'm sure emails and cyber flirting before that), which started as "just sex", but has become "so much more". He says he is now "with her". I did not have a clue about it, it has been a bolt from the blue for me, I thought he was here forever as my soul mate. He has cut himself off from all our friends, rented a flat, and we have to negotiate the times he sees our children.

yet I still hang onto some hope that he will 'come into the light', and realise what he's thrown away for sex on tap with someone with no responsibilities.

How many affairs make it in the real world? I know what I really want you all to say is that of course he will realise, and that he will beg to come home. Does that ever happen? And I also know that you won't all say that, and many of you will say that I have to 'move on' and adjust to this horrible new life.

Is it normal for me to go round and round in circles? I have been seeing a counsellor and she says that it isn't helpful, and has suggested strategies for coping, but I just can't help it...

yes, keeping busy is the answer. That is easier on days when the DCs are here... I am surrounding myself with friends (although don't want to bore them with this...), and making arrangements to fill my time when the DCs are with him. I find the evenings the hardest, and seem to spend a large proportion on the phone... it is interesting that no-one saw this coming, not one member of his or my family, nor one friend had any clue (unless they are all lying to me). When I have to tell someone I am usually greeted with a good minute of complete silence, then a "what did you just say?". Lots and lots of internalising has gone on..

You can't be friends with him ratbunny, that is impossible. How can he even ask that? But I recognise the getting stronger thing, then when you have to deal with him, all that composure just melts away. I get that too.

Can you TALK to this man ? Is it worth trying to set up a m eeting to discuss what went wrong and how it might be possible to start over?

Unhappychick, big hugs to you. I too have had my husband leave me after 14 years together with 2 children. I agree with most of the comments on here.

I was totally floored by his actions, he was my best friend, lover, soul mate etc etc and no one else saw this happening.

I am desperately trying to be the best mum to my babies and arranging times when he can see the children. I am mourning the loss as if he were dead, I feel dead, he has killed all our dreams of a happy, successful future. I fought for weeks for him to see how much i love him and by doing this I think I pushed him further away.

I know (at this moment as my emotions do swing on a daily, even hourly basis) that I could never have him back even if he wanted to, how could i ever trust him again? I know that i would become a neurotic mess always wanting to know where he is, who is he with? etc and he travels a lot with work, I could never live thinking that maybe he is in a hotel room in the US, Germany etc with a n other woman, He has totally broken all the trust that we had and destroyed me and our beautiful children in the process.

I have put the link to my mumsnet discussion on me and my story of (D)H. There is some amazing advice on there from some wonderfully supportive women. I hope it can help you

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/509214

big hugs to you, anytime you want to chat please give me a nod x

Keep strong CGM xxx

Thank you CGM. I think I could trust again, but would need evidence that he could be trusted.
I know what you mean about it being like mourning, it is exactly that, it is grief for yourself, for the loss of him, for the loss of the future you thought you had, and for your children for the loss of having a father at home. Christ.

Hello unhappychick. I'm sorry for your pain and grief. My xh left me too after 14 years and 6 DC's for the OW. Strangely, shortly before it happened, I read in the paper that the '14 year itch' is the new '7 year itch'. Seems quite true, from these posts.

Statistically, I've read that only 1 in 10 affairs survive after the marriage breaks up, but I think it is higher than this (purely from my own experience of men/women I've known who've left home for OW/OM).

However, I do think it's very common that they want to come home again. I read that if it doesn't happen within 6 months, it probably isn't going to happen though.

The problems arising there are:

Would you want him back?

Could your relationship survive the affair, assuming you could take him back?

maturer, do you mind if I ask you a question? You said on your thread that your husband nearly threw everything away in the year that followed his affair? did his affair last long, and how long was it before he decided it had been a mistake?

The 7 year itch - we got married after 7 years together, and now this, 7 1/2 years after that. Don't you just love cliches?

your questions, LW, yes I would want him back, at the moment. I know that feeling won't last forever, because you have to move on at some point. And yes, I think our relationship could be a million times stronger if we worked together on it, and learnt new ways to communicate, argue, discuss, love.

CGM, I just read your thread too - sending massive hugs to you, you really have been through hell. How are you doing now?

Someone on here recommended a book called @ I love you but I'm not in love with you' and I must say it is fantastic. Really helpful advice for both saving the marriage and/or remaining friends.

I love you but I'm not in love with you

thanks advice, have just ordered it. It sounds v helpful. I am a sucker for self help anyway...

I am in a similar situation (3 months on) and I must say that remaining calm, seeming content (even when I wasn't feeling it) and making an effort with my appearance all helped with my self esteem in front of ex husband.

For the first month I was a mess - crying and begging him to come back. Finally pulled myself together and got on with things and we are getting on a lot better.

Not sure if he will be back (or even now if I want him back !) but the book gave some useful advice about remaining calm as it is very difficult for someone to be nasty to you if you are being pleasant in return. It was a real effort on my part but we have stopped arguing.

I think it is true to say that in most cases after a while the novelty of a new life wears off and they will want to return to you. My friend did the same to her husband (left him and their 3 children), came back after 6 months and their marriage is stronger than ever.

Was reading an interview with a celebrity who said that when their husband had an affair they realised they had a choice of either remianing bitter for the rest of their life or moving on and being happy. She reckoned a lot of divorces were caused by pride as the injured party feels they will 'let themselves down' if they forgive and forget.

Whatever happen I hope the book helps and for what it is worth he probably will want to come back at some stage - it will probably be up to you to decide if you still want him...

So for what it is worth

indeed, for what it is worth. I agree with you - I am wearing make up, new hair cut, looking fab (lost a lot of weight...), new skinny jeans. Self esteem as you say. Got whistled at walking along the other day, can't say that's happened for a while... Sometimes people just want what they can't have...

I think it is very easy to say that you would never have someone back, very easy not to forgive and forget. Forgiving, if not forgetting, is a really difficult thing, and I really admire those people who have done it. Some of the strongest relationships I know are ones where there has been a crisis, and the partners have had to look at themselves and their relationship, re-evaluate it and rebuild.

unhappychick,
To answer your question.....when I found out he'd been seeing her about 3mths. He lied to me from the start of telling me (had to as her dh had found out and was about to enlighten me!)he told me at first it hadn't gone far "I think I love her but I love you too" his exact words. He then told me he'd stopped seeing her but then I just KNEW he was still lying and he saw her for about a month after still having a full affair.In that year following he went from being convinced that he wanted to be with her to telling me ALL and putting himself into counselling to get his head straight (then i knew we'd turned a corner).
I didn't ask him to leave rightly or wrongly I wanted him to face the consiquences of what he was doing right there in front of me and the children a bit like trying to force reality back into his stupid head!!! I'd say in total he lied and decieved me for 6 months, even after the physical affair stopped he kept seeing her as a"friend"...it was the arrogance of it that got me and yet I knew this wasn't the man I knew so well. He did change completely in that time then slowly came back to me, started opening up being honest with me and himself facing up to what he'd done and the affect it had on us.
I came very close to calling it a day....you get tired of trying to understand, trying to stand by and let him do the right thing...that old saying "you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink" and eventually you give up. He wised up just in time and I have to say from the moment he did cut off all contact with her and tell me everything we worked together. She turnrd into a bit of a bunny boiler, she wouldn't go away...emailed him under different names, sent him post at work even turned up at his new work place!!!! but he tole me as this happened and we dealt with it together.....got to the point where he'd hand over unopened letters he knew were from her or forward her emails for me to decide how to deal with her...every time she contacted him we rang her dh, infact i made my dh do that...the reality check eventually worked and she's been out of our lives now for about 4 years.
The thing is he totally "lost the plot" in that year, would not accept reason,, would not face realityit's like he was bewitched BUT all his own doing!!! He looks back now and can't believe the things he did and how he reacted he says it's like it wasn't him but he totally accepts he was in control of his choices.
The trouble is for you it can be so destructive even if he does finally see sense again....the damage that's been done now is very hard to repair and you will reach the point of no return.
For me I hubg on to the knowledge that we'd had 16 great years together before this year of madnnes and that in all of this he was completely miserable, confused and in agony (no excuses but that I could see) I KNEW even though he thought he was happy he wasn't. So I hung in there for him. With hindsight I wish i'd got tougher sooner however in the end I got what I wanted and I kept my dignity and honesty throughout!
Hope this helps.

Maturer
That is almost exactly the same as my story. My h looks back and cannot believe the person he had become - everyday he says he is sorry.
I too wish i had got tougher quicker, but at the time i was not willing to 'kick' him out it had to be his choice - all i could do was to make him see what a wonderful family he would be giving up.

The only other difference is that the ow seemed to just 'go away' and in some ways i wish she had been a bit of a bunny boiler as it would have given me some satifaction to see her pain. However H now recalls things she said and he can see just how manipulitive she really was.

It does take 2 to work together after the affair but the cheater needs to do whatever it takes to win back that trust and it is not easy as there is not set of rules to follow, things come up and we learn to deal with then together now.